What's wrong with me / my relationship - feeling a bit lost

[littlemisslost88]

This is the first time I've ever tried to put everything in writing about my relationship and I'd love some advice as I don't feel at this stage there is anyone I can talk to openly about it without judgement.

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a long time. We are the same age and got together at 18, still together at 33. Both each other's only real relationship.

We still get on great, we have mutual friends, close to each other's families, shared interests and still have fun and don't run out of things to talk about.

We have lived together for 11 years now and own a house together. He's a lovely person with no temper or abusive traits at all, he gives me the freedom to do as I please and I do for him. We spend time together, sometimes not as much as I'd like because he sometimes does put his own hobbies or friends first. If I raise it he is receptive for a while, not a major issue though but sometimes I do feel a bit like 'part of the furniture' rather than a priority.

He doesn't really want to get married, and isn't the best with communicating tricky topics. Whenever I used to mention marriage he would say it changes nothing which I do understand. But also if he is happy with me and we are together this long, why so anti marriage? I never wanted to either but I don't know what I want anymore.

Our sex life is quite dead, used to be ok in the beginning, the past 5 years or so it's uneventful and a couple times a year max, always initiated by me. I think we are both uncomfortable discussing it to be honest which is strange as we are comfortable to discuss most other things.

I do want to be with him but also miss physical affection and emotional closeness. He will hug me but that's usually it, I have sometimes wondered if he could be asexual or gay, or if it's just me.

I'm not proud of myself but around a year ago an older colleague pursued me. I had lost a bit of weight (was never overweight) and things still hadn't changed between us. This man gave me lots of attention and flattery. In a moment of weakness we kissed a few times but I shut it down after that (he had a partner too and was in a sexless marriage - I know that justifies nothing here).

I've been trying to work on our relationship but I still feel a bit neglected and unwanted. Sometimes it feels more of a flatmates situation and I want to fix it. We have so much history and so love each other so I don't want to leave. But I also don't want to be a bad person and risk making another poor decision.

I have toyed with the idea of asking about an open relationship. I don't think he would be for it at all, and not even sure it's realistic. I don't want to be getting random sex from different men, I want intimacy and connection. He seems happy plodding along as we are with seemingly no sex drive.

I got curious one evening and went through all of his devices just in case there was someone else. Couldn't find any evidence and he is always where he says he is, open with his passcodes and has a location tracker on (not that I've ever asked him to put it on). I also don't think he watches porn or if he does I've never picked up on it. Not that I'd mind if he did I guess.

I just need to figure out a way forward here. Is opening up our relationship going to help in any way, or do I need to work on myself, accept things as they are or force him to have an uncomfortable chat? I have struggled with anxiety and mental health issues and these are worse since the pandemic, I think being at home has given me no escape and lead to overthinking all of this and wondering what to do as I know it's not healthy.

Aside from physical/emotional connection we do get on well and he is supportive in other ways. I don't want to lose what we have but something has to change here - he's a lovely person compared to some of the slime bags here that some people find themselves with, but I feel like just 'putting up' with things isn't good for anyone.

Im starting to feel like all relationships will develop major problems over time and questioning the meaning of it all. I feel lost, scared and upset at what to do here. I'm so torn, I really don't want to lose him as he's a great companion and a lovely person in every other way.

Has anyone else been here or got any advice to give?

He sees you as a friend.

I find it odd that you would consider an open relationship but won’t discuss lack of affection with him after all of these years.

I find it odd that you would consider an open relationship but won’t discuss lack of affection with him after all of these years.

I agree. If you are so desperate for intimacy and affection that you think about having an open relationship, this should tell you that things are very, very lacking with your partner.

@Audreyseyebrows

He sees you as a friend.

I find it odd that you would consider an open relationship but won’t discuss lack of affection with him after all of these years.

It's not that I won't. It's just figuring out how to approach it because it's an uncomfortable conversation. I don't think he sees it as unhealthy..

You’re staying with him because other men might have character flaws?

Being the only one prepared to try and work on a relationship is soul destroying. There are good men out there.

It's just figuring out how to approach it because it's an uncomfortable conversation.

You just open your mouth, tell him you need to have a big talk right now, and have it all out. Everything you're thinking and concerned about. After 15 years you should be able to do this. If he refuses to listen or participate meaningfully in the conversation, that should tell you everything you need to know.

Two things are necessary for a successful LTR in my view (and I've been with my DW for 30 years)

• an ability to to discuss all aspects of your relationship, including your sex life, on a regular basis so that you can tackle problems at an early stage

• a mutually satisfactory sex life, sex is the glue in a relationship it will keep you together when everything else is falling apart, it's very hard to be angry with someone who satisfies you in that way on a regular basis

Your relationship has neither of those things. It seems odd for a guy in his 30s not to want sex, perhaps there is a medical issue? Is he depressed? He should be doing it a couple of times a week, not a couple of times a year!

You need to sit him down and tell him why you're unhappy. If he engages seriously you might give it a few months to see if things improve though the chances are not good IMO.

You say you don’t want random sex with other men. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that though? I’m always intrigued when people make statements like that because you’ve obviously thought about it. You haven’t ever “sewn your wild oats” for me, when I went to University, I did the random sex with hot unsuitable guys and that’s why I can now tolerate spells of boring in my long term relationship. I did it and got it out of my system and it was worth it. Such fun. There’s nothing wrong with going out and sewing some oats if you want to see what a hot one night stand is like. You aren’t being fulfilled right now. Why don’t you ask for a trial separation and get out there and hump some hotties. You’re a long time dead you know. When you’re 70 (if you get that far) don’t you want some naughty sex experiences to look back on? You’re missing out. If your relationship was still full of some va va voom then worth sticking with but at your age? Couple of times a year? WTF? Nope.

You didn’t agree to be a Nun

I don't think it's that black and white. I feel perfectly content at the thought of growing old with him and I do feel like he's my companion in most other ways. I don't want to lose him from my life.

But he doesn't seem to feel the same way. He doesn't seem invested in the relationship in the same way that you are. You can't force him to feel as you feel

I think it wears down your self esteem to be in a relationship where you aren't physically desired. Honestly just don't think it's good for a person. Aside from relationships where it's a temporary thing due to other stresses - it's perfectly possible to get through phases like that, even if they are long phases!

I'm not saying he won't be prepared as I doubt he would say that. I've lightly approached the subject before and he's assured me I'm not just a flat mate but it's what to do about it and how to move forward that needs figuring out. Getting him to understand my perspective and be honest about his...

@Aquamarine1029

It's just figuring out how to approach it because it's an uncomfortable conversation.

You just open your mouth, tell him you need to have a big talk right now, and have it all out. Everything you're thinking and concerned about. After 15 years you should be able to do this. If he refuses to listen or participate meaningfully in the conversation, that should tell you everything you need to know.

You're right but I'm not blaming anxiety here .. but the very thought of it is making me feel sick.....

I don't want to lose what we have

But all your reasons for continuing are about the relationship you once had in the past when you were both different people. Clinging on to the history. It's already gone and now you're trying to postpone grieving for it.

Change and loss are big, scary things, but they're also necessary parts of life. We do ourselves harm when we run from them. As pp said, your history with him won't be erased when you move on. It's still part of who you are and will always be with you.

You keep talking about "just this one issue to fix" like it's some minor niggle relating solely to you and solely within your power. Except what you're describing is that the relationship has run its course and both of you are afraid to let go.

I think unfortunately that your relationship has become a friendship now and I would be very, very wary of staying with him as it may happen that in 5-10 years he may either meet someone he is sexually attracted to, or decide he wants to have children and it may then be too late for you. Or you may meet someone and hurt him by having an affair/leaving for someone else.
You have to have the uncomfortable and embarrassing conversation. It's understandable that things could drift on like this for years as you like/love each other and things are harmonious but, unless you are 100% certain you don't want children(when there is not quite so much urgency) I would advise tackling this sooner rather than later. This advice is coming from a place where I was in a relationship that had become a friendship between the ages of 23 and 36 and I left because I wanted a chance to have a family.

I think there is definitely hope with your relationship. I think if the sex was more frequent, the other 'issues' you have mentioned would be quite small compared to a lot of other relationships. I also think you will have to broach the awkward conversation and just talk to him about it. He seems receptive when you say you want to spend more time together and can talk about an argument like a grown up (unlike a lot of couples, myself included) so I think these are all points you need to remember. Hopefully if you manage to have the conversation, you can work on improving the sex life together. You need to both remember what drew you to each other to start with and how sex was at the beginning and hopefully those memories can be the basis of a new sex life 2.0! Good luck! I'm rooting for you both!

Agree with Aquamarine that you really need to shake things up and have a proper talk.

You're talking here about having an open relationship, when you can't even have a proper discussion about why you're not having sex. How do you go from not talking about it at all, to having a chat where he agrees to you having sex with other men?

Would this open relationship feature the guy you've already been cheating with?

Are you absolutely sure you're being honest with yourself?

When you were 18, did he come across as potentially asexual or gay? I'm guessing he wouldn't have been your boyfriend for long if he had?

What do you think will make him happy?

You maybe need to overcome the uncomfortable conversation. You have sexual needs and they should be attempted to be met as part of a loving relationship. Something is not right; be it, physical, mental, emotional or sexuality wise. I hope you make some progress

Ok so lots of posters have pointed out you can leave, so that’s one option.

But you want to make the relationship work, and apart from the sex you are happy and feel it is a good relationship. I agree it does sound like your relationship has a lot of positives.

I think you need to talk to him. This is an issue that can only be tackled by both of you together. I would suggest that the approach here is seeking to understand where he’s coming from, how he feels about things and what he wants. Then you can decide if this is compatible with what you want and communicate that, and go from there.

I think it can be tricky when it comes to sex because when one person feels rejected/neglected it can start to become a bit of a loaded topic and the issue get even further entrenched. I say this having been on the other side of this with a boyfriend – in that case he felt we weren’t having sex enough and it sort of became a bit of a fraught area – he was constantly trying to find ways to introduce it more, it was clear he felt rejected, and I unconsciously began to avoid it more and more as I felt pressured and turned off by the dynamic. So I think the key is to start with understanding his needs rather than broaching the topic from the perspective that he’s not meeting yours – I don’t think any couple ever wants to be having sex to keep one person happy. You both need to be on the same page, i.e. in agreement that intimacy between you has waned and you’d both like to make the effort to reconnect and improve your sex life.

This isn’t to say that your need for sex & intimacy isn’t important or totally legitimate – it is.

I think the ease and familiarity of a LTR can often work against the sexual spark and connection you’re looking for. When you’re enmeshed in each other’s lives including all the mundane and workaday aspects and you develop this sort of shared identity as a couple it’s not very sexy. I know with my partner at times we are so comfortable with one another and so used to making a joke out of things this can almost feel incompatible with relating to each other on a sexual level and it can also feel like an effort that you can take or leave. Esther Perrel is really insightful in looking at this, check out her TED talks about sex and desire in LTRs. Sometimes regaining some separation between the two of you can remind you that you’re entities in your own right and create the space between you to seek each other out again. It’s a really common issue.

Have you guys spoken about this before and if so how did the conversation go?

Hi Op, I am in a similar position with my boyfriend re lack of sex. I’m probably a little be further down the road than you and it doesn’t really get any better. I find you bring it up, no pun intended, they say they’ll make an effort and then nothing.

It’s soul destroying! No judgement from me about kissing someone else. I have a huge crush on my colleague!

I'm going to be frank - there are a lot of issues going on here and fundamentally you are not being fulfilled. I think therapy is very necessary if anything is going to improve, but I will echo what everyone else has said: this does not sound like it is working. It sounds like you're only staying because you're scared of the unknown and that is no way to live.

@Apileofballyhoo

I think it wears down your self esteem to be in a relationship where you aren't physically desired. Honestly just don't think it's good for a person. Aside from relationships where it's a temporary thing due to other stresses - it's perfectly possible to get through phases like that, even if they are long phases!

Thank you for saying this. My self esteem most definitely is feeling low from this. But thanks for being one of the only people to say that it might be possible to try and fix this as I'm in tears reading through this thread right now. I feel mentally in a really unstable place and I need to not let it get the better of me and sort this.

@dressinggownwearer

I think there is definitely hope with your relationship. I think if the sex was more frequent, the other 'issues' you have mentioned would be quite small compared to a lot of other relationships. I also think you will have to broach the awkward conversation and just talk to him about it. He seems receptive when you say you want to spend more time together and can talk about an argument like a grown up (unlike a lot of couples, myself included) so I think these are all points you need to remember. Hopefully if you manage to have the conversation, you can work on improving the sex life together. You need to both remember what drew you to each other to start with and how sex was at the beginning and hopefully those memories can be the basis of a new sex life 2.0! Good luck! I'm rooting for you both!

Thank you so much for saying this

@ravenmum

When you were 18, did he come across as potentially asexual or gay? I'm guessing he wouldn't have been your boyfriend for long if he had?

What do you think will make him happy?

No he didn't - never had any problems then. Never anything crazy but perfectly fun and adventurous at times too.

You really need to talk about the elephant in the room if you are serious about fixing your relationship. The fact that you can talk about pretty much everything else is great: use this as a foundation to build on and have the Difficult Conversation. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to raise the subject.