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Relationships

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Original poster

Is online dating a pointless exercise?

37 replies

StartingAgainat31 · 15/11/2020 09:23

To persevere with online dating or not?

Is it a waste of time? Because at the moment it does feel that way!? I would just like to be clear. I'm pretty selective, and feel like I'm filtering the more obviously odd ones (anyone with a picture of a fish, or a rant in their profile about women, or how they have been treated badly in their past!)

However last night a bloke started with the opener that he thinks I'm an alcoholic (not sure which school of chat up lines he has been to, but I expect in his mind it was some odd test that I needed to pass to progress to the next level of oddness.)

This goes along with all the guys who open with a line asking my favourite sex position. A guess on my bra size. Whether I'm into foot fetishism. Whether I want to meet them 5 minutes after starting to chat. Whether I'm going to send them intimate photos..... the list goes on.

I mean it's not surprising these guys are single in all honesty. There seems to be a complete lack of ability to actually have an intelligent conversation, and a lack of awareness of what is actually acceptable. Most guys on these apps seem to treat women like a hunk of meat, rather than having any interest in getting to know them. Is this just a mark of the types of men who use these apps. Do I just delete them?

Because I'm sure that not all blokes on dating apps are crass, sex obsessed, two dimensional trolls, but certainly this is what I'm currently finding.

OP posts:

cheerup · 15/11/2020 09:36

Depends on what you want. Chats to relive some of the boredom of lockdown? Some dates/sex when that kind of thing is possible? Attention? Online dating can definitely deliver those. I'm less convinced about an exclusive, durable relationship, particularly if you are in your late 30s or more and have children at home.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/11/2020 09:36

It’s not a waste of time. I met dh on plenty of fish. We’ve been together 12 years now. But you do need to be very ruthless and not overthink blocking people. One bad feeling / weird comment and just block and move on.

Original poster

StartingAgainat31 · 15/11/2020 09:40

@bagelsandbrie. This is definitely the attitude I've taken on this. One tiny red flag and I'm out.

OP posts:

fatherfintanstack · 15/11/2020 09:55

I dunno. I know a lot who have had success including my brother and wonderful sister in law but for me it seems like an endless string of pointless dates and some near misses.

I suppose it gets you out there meeting men but I agree with your hunk of meat remark. I'm sure its less common for men with a real life connection to you (friend of a friend, hobby etc) to be quite so fixated on sex as a lot on OLD are.

OwlOne · 15/11/2020 09:57

You're an alcoholic?! He sounds smug.

I have done OLD and it was not good for me. I was used repeatedly. I wouldnt have thought of myself as naive or having a low bar, but omg, never again.

Original poster

StartingAgainat31 · 15/11/2020 10:04

@Owlone. No I'm certainly not an alcoholic. I have a picture of me with a drink on my profile.

OP posts:

OwlOne · 15/11/2020 10:07

Oh ! So he's putting you in the position of having to defend yourself to him. You havent even met but he wants you to convince him you're not flawed to win the golden ticket of meeting him!!

EarthSight · 15/11/2020 10:07

I think a lot of men go online to have sexual interactions with women, rather than relationships. This is based on observations on what acquaintances have said including a male housemate of mine. To them, they know they can't meet a woman in real life and start talking like this after 5 mins, so they think going online gives them license to do it and means they can deal with rejection a bit easier. I suspect that some of the ones asking for sexual pics are in relationships and are just having thrills.

Many weirdos will be online too because they know that they cannot meet a woman in real life without her being quickly on to him. Not sure what they expect to happen when they actually have a real date! I don't envy the ones with fetishes. A lot of women, women they might otherwise be highly compatible with, won't feel comfortable with that or might feel disgusted by them.

Frazzled2207 · 15/11/2020 10:08

Nope although obviously actually meeting up during the pandemic will be trickier. Plenty of idiots on there but good’uns too. Met husband online 12 years ago.

Original poster

StartingAgainat31 · 15/11/2020 10:09

@OwlOne well probably. He called it an ice breaker, but as a child of an alcoholic, I don't find it particularly amusing. It just seemed like a test I needed to pass to move on to another level of fuckery. Clearly not a massive loss. But odd.

OP posts:

Elsiebear90 · 15/11/2020 10:10

I met my fiancée on POF, we’ve been together five years, so definitely not a waste of time. You can’t let one weirdo end your search though, you’ve gotta be quite resilient on there imo as there’s a lot of idiots, perverts, time wasters and crazies.

stout · 15/11/2020 10:11

I think the problem your facing is a lot of men (very wrongly) think they have to stand out and show they are not dull / boring.

Do you overlook the ones that seems a bit morr like that to start with.

Manxiety · 15/11/2020 10:13

@Bagelsandbrie

My guess is that OLD is very different to how it was 12 years ago. I think you are right in being picky op, these 🚩 depict the kind of guys they are and will continue to be whilst dating. I think it's a given that men think with their genitals but at least activate the other part of the brain and get to know a girl on an emotional and intellectual level. Jeeze!

A lot of guys on OLD sites are there to hook up. Maybe think about the site you're using. There are more specific ones out there - for ages/interests - as well as dating agencies. But I'd also participate in activities, when you can, that will put you in front of real people with the same interest.

NC4Now · 15/11/2020 10:15

OLD is especially weird at the moment. I met XH online 10 years ago and people were generally much less odd. I’m putting it down to this pandemic.
I’ve put it to one side for now because it’s just a bit grim.

jerrywesterby · 15/11/2020 10:20

OLD has definitely changed even in the 5 years I've been doing it. Then there seemed to be more men who were actually looking for a relationship and did want to meet ... nowadays it's just seems to be another social media platform for people to chat...

jerrywesterby · 15/11/2020 10:22

So to answer your question OP I would say yes it is unfortunately

Windmillwhirl · 15/11/2020 10:24

I suppose it's question of how selective you are? When I was online dating I got a message off a guy who asked if I was into fitness. I liked his pic but am not into fitness (beyond walking) and pretty much wrote him off on that basis. I felt if that's important to him we won't have much in common. Well, he messaged me again after a week and the banter flowed. We met up and are together 15 months now.

I am not I involved in his sport, but have met many of his friends through it and some are now mine too.

I so easily could have wrote off the best relationship I've ever had.

My mantra was always I only have to meet one. Keep the dating on ths backburner and live my life. It's worked so far for me.

Clovertoast · 15/11/2020 10:28

I started OLD in November last year, got chatting to Dp in December, met in February and we've been together ever since. He was my first ever date !
I'm late 40s, hes early 50s, we both have kids and we're just slowly navigating through something thats new to us.
Follow the dating threads on here. The regulars are so wise and will help you know who and what to look out for, avoid.
There have been lots of long term relationships that have emerged and some great updates so it can and does happen
Good luck x

Doughnut100 · 15/11/2020 12:56

I found that even when I met a nice guy who wasn't a weirdo I got so surprised and excited in comparison to the rest of them that I got a month or so into it before I realised there wasn't any genuine chemistry. He was just some non-twat fairly nice guy.

The trouble is that the alternative advice sucks. Join a club! Start a sport! (Fun and a good idea but realistically very unlikely to lead to meeting someone.) Life unfortunately isn't like an episode of Friends where they catch someone's eye in the coffee shop about four times a week and end up on a dinner date. A guy did hand me something from the top shelf in the supermarket once but then he promptly disappeared. I think I imagined him. So OLD seems like a logical thing to do.

You have 100% the right attitude with the red flags OP. You really sound like you have your head screwed on. Good luck.

stout · 15/11/2020 14:07

@Doughnut100

You have 100% the right attitude with the red flags OP. You really sound like you have your head screwed on. Good luck.

Reading this post I think I laughed a bit more than I should have done.

I think OLD is a necessary evil /means to an end.

I'm 40, have kids, work full time and my social life is pretty erratic. In truth revolves around drinks after work as much as anything else (well before covid hit).

Im currently dating someone I met via online dating so I think it's proof it can work.

As much as I would love to avoid OLD and hope that the odd woman my age seeing me get the kids in and out the car at the park, or watching me being run ragged, is smilimg at me and will at a future point be exchaning numbers should I see her without the kids I suspect its more out of sympathy .

Bunnymumy · 15/11/2020 14:12

You could ask if dating in general is a waste of time. 99% of ppl arent going to be for you. Thats just life.

I'd happily meet someone after 5 min of chatting btw. Provided there were no red flags and we met in public. I dont want to waste my time talking to guys online that I don't even know if I will fancy in person.

SimonJT · 15/11/2020 14:57

Lots of my friends have met their partners through online dating, so I don’t think its a waste of time, but they did go on lots and lots of dates that weren’t a success, so it was a time heavy process as many were dating 2/3 times a week.

I personally went down the dating agency route, the one I used did regular social events, I wasn’t a fan of them so stuck to being offered matches for dates. It worked for us, we’re getting married in April (covid allowing).

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 15/11/2020 17:54

This. I think its telling when Guardian Soulmates shut down earlier this year it was touted as the end of an era. Most (all?) dating sites now are based on the Twitter model - strongly visual, don't give you control of the search, rather present you with an algorithmically determined limited set of options you have to accept or discount on the spot in order to see what the other options are. As someone pointed out to me: you actually finding a partner easily isn't good for business. They'll force you spend loads on "premium services" just to get you face seen by people you'd have found yourself in the old days.

Also, I'm not sure how it is for women, but online dating's got a pretty bad rep amongst the male population over the past few years. The average guy will struggle to get a single match let alone a bevy of disappointing dates, there's players and catfish gaming the system and something like chemistry - which in real life might overide the oft-used filter setting of "must be 6ft and over" - is unconveyable. Add to this the expectation that still exists that men must be the ones to do the chasing (instigating conversation, asking on the date, etc) and you end up exhausted with your self-esteemed routinely stamped upon. Far better to ask people out in real life, where you know that risk of rejection is balanced by the fact you really can sense some chemistry and/or pick up a bit of flirting beforehand in person.

So it wouldn't surprise me if the guys who are on there most often are either a) attractive enough (especially visually) that they can guarantee a lot of interest without doing much or b) so thick-skinned and/or pig-headed that none of the above bothers them and/or shakes their ego.

I've given up on it. I'm sure there's many wonderful women on there, however, since Tinder and the way its made OLD evolve, it just seems to complicate and frustrate things for me and it's supposed to do the opposite.

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 15/11/2020 17:57

self-esteem routinely stamped upon.

WitsEnding · 15/11/2020 18:24

I’m currently back out there again. I can see a couple of perfectly OK blokes I know IRL on Match who really wouldn’t go for hookups. Equally I wouldn’t use the free sites now, their reputation is so bad I’d be embarrassed.

Met XH online about 15 years ago, but usually the minute I sign up my debit card I meet someone IRL. Fingers crossed.

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