How to cut off toxic friends, remain assertive and stop them coming back

[xsquared]

I am not very assertive and I have never had to dump a friend who became toxic until I was older. It didn't work very well because this "friend" would keep coming back again and again, it was draining. I didn't know this at the time, but looking back, I now suspect they had some sort of personality disorder.

I know I need to work on setting stronger boundaries, and the constant disrespecting of my boundaries during a short lived friendship are what led me to want nothing further to do with this person.

I don't need to dump anyone now and hope I won't need to anytime soon, but I have always found it difficult to stand up for myself and let someone know that they have overstepped the mark. My self esteem has always been very poor and I am an awful people pleaser.

Has anyone ever been a people pleaser and turned this around? I would appreciate your comments.

Thank you in advance.

Safest message to requests you’re not sure about is “I’ll think about it and will get in touch later”. If somebody gets pushy then repeat and repeat. Some people are very persistent.

Don’t be afraid to say “no”. Emotionally healthy person can take a “no” as an answer politely so don’t be afraid of huffing,puffing and drama performance.

You don’t have to explain,justify of apologize for your decision.

Breaking contact with a friend is hard. Hardly anyone likes that sort of conflict.

Other than 'I don't want to be your friend and don't contact me again', I'm not sure what else is there to say or recommend other than threatening to go to the police to get a restraining order if it seriously gets out of hand. Block them on all social media and just don't respond to anything you are sent. If you see them in the street, don't stop, don't smile or make eye contact (which they might view as an invitation), just carry on.

You've just got to walk. No explanation is needed. None.

Yes I have moved on from being the people pleaser - and it has transformed my life and happiness.

It’s all about “space” - 100% agree with PP.

It’s not an overnight sensation - it might get more uncomfortable before it gets better and some friends and family will not like your change and flip out or off. So you either need to be ready to weather the storm - believe it will calm down and they will eventually respect your boundaries - or reverse out slowly / change your behaviours over a period of time under the radar.

As PP has said always be ready with, vague non committal statements that you can throw into every situation

• “will get back to you on that”
• “will need to think about that”
• “No I can’t - I am busy”
• “No I can’t commit to that”
• “No - I can’t I have other plans”

As PP said - don’t get drawn, keep it short - never JADE (justify, apologise, defend or explain) your choices.

All of this buys you time - so that you are not put on the spot. You are in control

• you don’t react in the moment to please someone else - you respond later when emotions have subsided or arisen and you have processed and thought through what YOU feel in your gut.

If I ever feel “unconfused” “reluctant” “obligated” “unsettles” it usually means that I want to say “No” - but don’t have the speed of processing to make that assertion on the spot - so buy time - build in space.

Also do this with your availability and time. Don’t answer (or even read) texts from the key CFs in your life for at least 24/48 hours. Then put some manners on them - throw them a bone with one of the vague answers above - then either don’t respond until they chase - or close it down immediately with a No I can’t help.

I started slowly - even practiced on my good friends / who I knew would be safe to interact with. This gave me confidence to deal the in a calm, confident and dignified way.

Once you put on that space with the CFs - you realise that they took up your finite time, energy and headspace and drained your happiness and balance. Then with this freed up space you proactively fill it up with all of your nice friends and family who are radiant in your life and the RS are reciprocal. These nice people have been there all along not getting a look in whilst the CFs hogged you.

It’s a much lighter, happier, refreshing and fulfilling way to live.

BUT

You have to take responsibility for who, how and when you will be changing gear. Because “givers” have to dictate the boundaries because “takers” never ever do.

Who did you have to tap dance to or keep happy to get any attention from when you were a child?

@FrenchBoule

Safest message to requests you’re not sure about is “I’ll think about it and will get in touch later”. If somebody gets pushy then repeat and repeat. Some people are very persistent.

Don’t be afraid to say “no”. Emotionally healthy person can take a “no” as an answer politely so don’t be afraid of huffing,puffing and drama performance.

You don’t have to explain,justify of apologize for your decision.

Yep, not being able to say "no", or rather having a "no" rescinded was part of the problem. "No" was met with either sulking, silent treatment or scarily a sudden change in demeanor.

Thank you both.

Thank you for your post @Sssloou.

Those are good tips and I shall certainly be trying those out sometime to build my confidence.

I was very much neglected as a child and sent away to boarding school from an early age.

The little time that I spent with my parents were often negative interactions where usually my mother would tell me what I had done wrong, followed by some form of physical punishment.

Someone who responds to a No like this needs to be expunged from your life.

Know that these sulking, silent treatment etc types are emotionally abusive - and they are intended to manipulate and push YOU to get want THEY want - this is the silent rage withdrawal emotional violence equivalent of someone screaming in your face. They are not accepting or respecting YOUR choice.

I was given some solid advice recently: not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. No matter how great they may have been in the past. It's fine to walk away from friendships that you've outgrown or which are hurting you. How you do it is up to you, but there's no roadmap sadly.
Setting solid boundaries is a skill. Try 'practising' with small things, e.g. saying no kindly to drinks/ coffee/ walks if you don't feel like going. Then as you grow in confidence and feel the difference it makes to your life, you'll probably feel more comfortable with setting more significant boundaries. I learned this way, but it took a chronic illness to make me enforce my boundaries and leave long friendships that no longer fit into my life. It's sad, but more appropriate friendships will probably replace old/ toxic ones.

Oh they are @Sssloou but just not soon enough.

I am not surprised that you had such an emotionally derelict, neglectful and abusive childhood. You have some repair and recovery work to undertake to fill in the emotional development gaps / wounds of your parents legacy. I would seek professional help and at the same time have some self compassion for yourself that there is a part of you that is always this small child seeking affirmation, approval and love and that’s why you gets stuck emotionally with some difficult people.

Are your parents still involved in your life? So you have other kind and respectful friends? Can you identify the CFs and the sensations they trigger in you?

I used to be like that, until someone took the piss out of me royally now I disengage very fast when I'm uncomfortable and I'm not frightened anymore to say why if I'm asked. I very much have a "this doesn't work for me" attitude.

I think it was a mixture of getting away from the obligation I felt towards this person, spending time on mumsnet and seeing these peoples behaviours as classic patterns and getting older/ giving less of a shit.

That’s up to you though. Own that.

Decide if you want the immediate blow out confrontation - or the slow fade.

The latter option can feel powerful when you have a timeline of detachment from someone - scheduled in your head - so that you know that in increments you will be done with them by Jan, Feb - whatever YOU decide.

And actually my experience of CFs is that they are so self serving that they will often be odd faster than you think once they sense you are not doing stuff for them - they will be off getting their next target. Because (drum roll) they don’t care about YOU specifically at all - they care about getting their stuff done by ANYONE.

Hi @Sssloou.
My parents are still involved in my life and I have made my peace with them. They are divorced and they don't get on with each other. DF is bitter with DM for leaving him to marry her current DH. DM seems very happy now.

My current circle of friends are kind and respectful. I am able to tell friends no or delay an answer without feeling guilty.

You could also flip this from
about YOU not being assertive and focus more on them being difficult.

Because emotionally healthy, warm, kind respectful friends take time to “know” and “sense” your boundaries so there is rarely a need for us to “be assertive” with compatible friends.

That’s great that you have these friendships to draw on.

Who is the toxic CF that you are struggling with your DF? a sibling? a colleague / boss? Old “friend” from the past?

@Sssloou

You could also flip this from about YOU not being assertive and focus more on them being difficult.

Because emotionally healthy, warm, kind respectful friends take time to “know” and “sense” your boundaries so there is rarely a need for us to “be assertive” with compatible friends.

Yes, I was hoping that because they were my "friend" they would respect my boundaries and not violate them.

I eventually went No contact but this time, I simply ignored the repeated ranty emails accusing me of unreasonable behaviour and attempts to get my attention when intercepting me on my way to work.

I don't struggle with my DF now. He was never directly cruel to me or my siblings but he worked long hours and didn't really spend much time with us until dm left.

Toxic CF is well and truly in the past and I hope never to bump into them ever again.

OMG.

Yes you correctly identified a wrong un and you have 100% taken the correct steps by going NC.

And your hopes for what an emotionally friendship entails is spot on. Be confident with that. Your antennae are well tuned in - it won’t happen again. And if it does you will see it and stop it in its tracks sooner. I suspect this old “friend” was v charming and intense in the early days - so you had no way of knowing they would turn and trample your boundaries. Don’t beat yourself up about being open and trusting.

Are they still harassing you?

@Sssloou Yes, very intense and very friendly, lots in common etc.

They are not, but they tested the waters with an email out of the blue after 2 years the last time they saw me.

So what’s making you reflect on this right now if it is in the past? I am just wondering if there is someone else that maybe subconsciously makes you uncomfortable - or you are taking too much responsibility or guilt for acting in an entirely reasonable way to a highly irrational person in the past?

Didn't reply of course!

Oh I see was the email recent? Was that the trigger? If so you have handled it perfectly by ignoring. Be proud of that assertive boundary you laid down. Maybe block if you don’t need to be unsettled - might as well if you are going to ignore.

@Sssloou

So what’s making you reflect on this right now if it is in the past? I am just wondering if there is someone else that maybe subconsciously makes you uncomfortable - or you are taking too much responsibility or guilt for acting in an entirely reasonable way to a highly irrational person in the past?

Nobody making me feel uncomfortable now. I think lockdown has allowed me to reflect on life in general and regrets.

One of them is guilt about this and learning about myself and what I need to change to become more self aware and assertive.

That early intensity and “lots in common” (likely to be manipulative mirroring) - is something I watch out for now and take it slow. It’s quite emotionally immature (maybe acceptable for teenagers) but as you get older someone like this I would observe and manage slowly as an acquaintance for a while - hoping it’s someone new and refreshing that I am compatible with but also a bit “watchful waiting”.

Don’t be “guilty” that you engaged with such a person - how would you know any different when they were being nice. Be proud that you got out of it and used your assertion - and be proud that you ARE self aware because maybe you are reflecting on if you could have seen or done something sooner - that’s emotional growth.