How to cut off toxic friends, remain assertive and stop them coming back

[xsquared]

I am not very assertive and I have never had to dump a friend who became toxic until I was older. It didn't work very well because this "friend" would keep coming back again and again, it was draining. I didn't know this at the time, but looking back, I now suspect they had some sort of personality disorder.

I know I need to work on setting stronger boundaries, and the constant disrespecting of my boundaries during a short lived friendship are what led me to want nothing further to do with this person.

I don't need to dump anyone now and hope I won't need to anytime soon, but I have always found it difficult to stand up for myself and let someone know that they have overstepped the mark. My self esteem has always been very poor and I am an awful people pleaser.

Has anyone ever been a people pleaser and turned this around? I would appreciate your comments.

Thank you in advance.

Thank you for your kind words @Sssloou.

Just block people who do stuff that's out of line on everything, including email. Or if you want to, tell them why, then block 'em. It's so much easier nowadays.

I've only learnt this stuff this year and feel soo much better for it.

It's easier for me to be assertive in a message rather than face to face- and that's ok. Don't let anyone try and make you communicate on their terms.

I was a people pleaser and got caught in a very nasty situation with a male 'F'WB. Luckily I've learned so much from the experience, it's been lifechanging. Mumsnet has helped a lot too, just reading a lot of the threads, advice, and attitudes.

Basically don't fear losing people. That way you don't put up with shit and you feel in control.

It sounds like you know what you should be doing already, you just don't currrently have a situation (thankfully) where you have to put it in to practice.

Keep thinking what you would do if X, Y, Z thing that people did happened nowadays, at what point you should've drawn the line (it can be very early!) etc.

Block anyone who gives you the creeps/is obviously creepy. If I'd done that in the past I'dve saved myself a lot of bollox.

You can do it. The secret is not thinking that you need people IMO. Or that's part of what it was with me. And commiting to looking after yourself and your well being. Plus not feeling you have to justify yourself to anyone based on anything other than your own instincts and feelings.

Best wishes. xxx

@SoulofanAggron - love it. Well done to you. I have learnt lots here over the years - the same patterns played out time and again. We are all always evolving emotionally - and instead of people pleasing - so self pleasing - listen to your own instincts - discomfort, confusion etc is enough to pull back - we are too polite to our detriment.

Thank you @SoulofanAggron.

I wish I had not given a shit about what they thought of me or feared losing them at the time. I was new to the place and wanted to make friends, so I was quite needy.