Sexism, feeling downtrodden by my mum and DH

[cadburyegg]

DH and i have had a lot of problems this year (i know everyone has had a difficult year) he lost his job in july as a direct result of covid, thankfully he is now working again but the way he treated me when he wasn't working was awful. I have been wfh since March, still did 50% of the childcare responsibilities, school runs etc (DS's are 5 and 2). In this time he has used DS1 as a pawn against me in arguments more than once, often insisted i finished working early so I could watch the kids while he made dinner, was irresponsible with money (e.g. buying himself expensive gadgets whilst on JSA, when I was worrying about how to afford winter coats for the kids) and generally acted like having to look after the kids was a huge imposition on him. He even said he wasn't that concerned about being out of work because he was claiming JSA, even though it was our savings and my salary that was paying for everything. I feel like he has very little respect for me and my work despite the fact that i actually earn more than him. This has caused a lot of arguments. Being back at work has massively inflated his ego and he's "joked" more than once about "how important his job is" whilst I now have to juggle my own job around doing 100% of the school runs and childcare responsibilities during the week as well as 80% of life admin and housework.

I've been talking to my mum a bit about the whole thing and she just has a really sexist attitude. I should mention that my dad was physically abusive (to her and me) and she implies that because DH doesn't hit me that i need to learn to live with it. I don't want to mention the situation to her anymore because she just says, "aw you're not splitting up are you???" Her attitude is very much "this is what men are like". I asked her to give me the number of her electrician as we need some minor works done and she implied that I need to ask DH's permission just to get a quote done.

I don't know what to do really. I'm just feeling very downtrodden and I don't know if I'm just being ridiculous and oversensitive about it all because that's the way i've been made to feel. I've only given a few examples because I don't want this to be really long. But I just don't know what to do about it and I feel like the closest adults to me in my life are against me.

Mine did that too; as PP points out, he was actively choosing to do fuck all & disrespecting you - now it's even worse that he's starting to make an effort when you're at the end of your tether.

It's not really a good way to run a relationship either way.

He'll likely make an effort for a week or two to manipulate you in to agreeing for him to stay, then he'll go back to his usual x

Play along-- make sure he does his half of all childcare and housework (don't sleep with him) and keep on planning your split.
He is only interested in keeping his cosy little set up, with you waiting on him hand and foot, whilst also earning more than him. And paying for his luxuries. He thinks he's got it made.
You deserve so much better.

It's an act OP. Remember that. This isn't him. He's pretending it is to reel you back in. He's he same twat who does fuck all and belittles you. Don't fall for it.

He thinks you are so weak and stupid that if he makes a token effort at being nice that you will fall for it and he can revert to being his normal twattish self. He's suddenly realised that his cushy life style - funded by you earning more than him and doing all the shitty wife work - might actually come to an end and you might have some backbone.

Be civil, be neutral and keep going ahead with making plans to end the relationship. Sort out the paperwork, book an appointment with a solicitor.

People don't change. He had plenty of chances.

he normally chooses to behave shittily towards you

This ^ wot @category12 said.

You now know that he has been choosing to selfishly put his wants above your needs. He knew all long how you wanted, even deserved to be treated and did not bother.

I get that it feels confusing to you: it is intended to confuse you and undermine your confidence in yourself.

Well, I told him last week I wanted to separate but would give him until the end of January to move out. He’s already on lots of dating and hookup websites and flirting with other women. I guess this proves I’ve made the right decision, but that hurts a lot after 11 years

When I said last week - I meant a week ago, so last Sunday