Coming to terms with childhood neglect

[HoppyBun]

Hi everyone. This might be long so bear with me.

I'm currently (finally) recivieing therapy aged 32 for past traumas. It's led me to question soemthing that I always knew but never really wanted to admit: that my mum neglected me and put my step dad first for my whole childhood.

I know mums are entitled to their own lives but I was a very anxious and emotional child and my mum was not abusive but didn't give me what I needed. For example, I used to wet the bed and had to deal with it on my own in the middle of the night from a very young age. I never remembering her saying she loved me or giving me a hug. That's just 'how she was'. I also told her at 14 my 19 year old boyfriend wanted me to have sex and I didn't want to and she didn't help me at all but let me still carry on seeing him. There are loads of other things but this is already war and peace.

I was bullied all through school and it came to a head at 15. I was crying out for help and as an adult I can see that I was hard work in that I was very emotional but this stemmed from desperately needing help. I was never violent or anything like that.

Anyway. My step dad and my mum kicked me out and I was homeless and sofa surfing until a charity for young people helped me out. I am lucky enough that I was stubborn and tenacious enough to carry on with my education, get a degree and now I have a life I'm proud to have built with my own house, cat and an amazing partner. I don't have or want children but am close to my nieces and nephews and can't fathom treating them the way I was treated.

I've worked on my mental health relentlessly and although I still have many issues I'm getting there except for one thing which I'd love people's opinions on:

Am I wrong or unreasonable to be angry at my mum? She is not a bad person and I'm struggling with my anger and resentment because of this. She does loads in the community and I can't seem to reconcile that with the emotional neglect I've suffered. I think I know the answer but I need people to be brutally honest and tell me it's not my fault and intentional or not, she caused so much damage by neglecting my needs and pandering to my step dad.

Thanks if you've got this far. This is a massive ramble. X

Yes, you can absolutely be angry at her!

Right answer

Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it!

Yes be angry at her you deserved to be shown love, affection, hugs. I couldn’t imagine putting any man before my own child.
Let your anger out don’t keep it inside or you’ll feel worse.
You sound like a lovely person op.

yes, sounds similar to my mother, totally uninterested. I have not heard from her AT ALL this year, not even a phone call or a letter to see how I am in a global unprecedented pandemic! and no, I cannot ring or write to her, she has never given me her phone number and is now living with an old friend in another town, I do not have an address. Odd thing is though I have a half sibling who she has always been in constant contact with.

I just feel so sad about it all.

Yes OP you absolutely should be angry with her. And she isn't a 'good person'. It doesn't matter here what she does for the community, it matters what she does at home and no matter how awful the behaviour (and I say that as a stepmum to DSS with severe behavioural issues who lashes out violently at school and his mum end lives here over 50% of the time these days and is on the brink of being permanently excluded and sent to a PRU so I know how extremely challenging behaviour can impact the whole house and family) no child should ever be kicked out by their family. Your mum should have provided you with a home and she should have looked after your emotional needs as well as any physical ones. She was your mum.

You haven't done anything wrong OP.

How do your siblings get on with her?

You should be angry at her. You should also be immensely proud of yourself for the life you have built through nothing but your own strength and determination. You sound amazing

Be angry. I was.

Yes, and you are fucking amazing. Therapists will tell you.

Of course you can be angry...

Nobody is perfect but once someone decides to have a child, they need to be able to care for that child and not neglect them. Nobody who is a good person would neglect a vulnerable kid and put a step-father and his needs first.

It can also be hard when your experience of a parent behind closed doors is completely different from the image they project to the outside world and they behave with others.

I had abusive parents but to the outside world they behaved as nice, friendly people. When at 'home', they were moody, depressed, physically and verbally abusive bullies.

It is also common for kids to absorb the message that they are 'too sensitive' or 'too emotional' because that is the type of language their abusers use to justify their actions and the put the blame back on them.

My mother always refused to intervene when my father was emotionally, physically abusive towards me or when he made inappropriate sexual comments and gestures towards me. Her view was that she need not want to lose her comfortable middle class life and the money that my father brought in by risking a divorce. She put herself first. Am I angry about that? you bet!!

I think you are right to be angry .So many women put their husband before DC esp in second marriages (not all).I think you have done so well for yourself.Well done .Do you see DM now or not?Either way this is about you now not her !

Be angry, OP, you have every right. I am in a similar position, my mother always put my stepfather first. Life revolved around keeping him happy and she never intervened when he physically and mentally abused me. What really enrages me is that she was the breadwinner and could easily have kicked him out but she made her choice. I don't like either of them, they are not nice people, but I am particularly angry at her for putting him first. Children have the right to expect their parents to love and protect them and it is not their fault if they are let down.

Wowthis response is super quick and overwhelming. Thanks everyone. I don't know how to reply directly to people but we'll try and answer the questions I've been asked!

My (non step) siblings still have a relationship with her but my brother is on the spectrum and still lives at home and my sister sees her regularly but with the greatest of respect my sister seemed for a long time to be repeating the cycle. She has recently begun her education again so I'm keeping everything crossed she manages to pull herself out of it for her sake and for my niece and nephews!

Again thanks for the replies so far. I'm taking in every word and even though it's painful I need to hear it. Thanks also for the compliments ❤️

I'm so very sorry so many of you have gone through similar things but please know that I feel far less alone because of it. Not that it's any consolation but... Thanks. 😊

Yiuve done amazingly op. Yes your mum was wrong to treat you as she did and yes you have a right to feel angry.

Who knows why people do what they do. Was she happy in her relationship? What about your dad? Is it likely she is doing lots of community stuff because she knows she wasn't there for you?

You really should be proud of yourself op. I have some mental health issues and didn't experience what you did. But did have a bit of that papernts not being there for me thing so I can empathise. Keep looking after yourself.

Agree it sounds important to be angry with her! Over time this might settle into other emotions but the anger sounds important to process what you did and why and what happened to you.

you were badly let down op

youve done bloody well though- keep on keeping on- you sound fantastic.

You've basically described my mother to a T. Always put her marriage to my father over everything else, including her 3 children. My father in return cheated on her throughout their 23 year marriage, finally leaving her for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

She's 80 this year, he left 31 years ago and she's still very bitter and angry about it all. She has said to my face that having children caused her marriage to fail (because she couldn't go with him when he was working abroad) and that I'm personally to blame for him leaving because I made him 'feel old' (he was 42) when I got married at age 21. He left while I was on honeymoon... She then emotionally blackmailed myself and my two brother into cutting all contact with my father. I haven't seen him since and don't even know if he's still alive.

I deliberately live on the other side of the world from her and maintain very limited contact. I'm being treated for C-PTSD and like you, still have a lot of anger towards her for putting him first. I've been told by my psychologist that my feelings are justified.

I’m so touched by your posted. Despite all of this you are clearly a very strong young woman and should be so proud of what you have become.

You should be angry at your mum. You have every right to. She may be great in the community but she failed you as a mum. Mums are entitled to time to themselves, but no they are not entitled to their own lives, they are a mum first and foremost. My DS was much wanted (after 3 failed ivfs) and he is my world. His needs come before my own every day of the week, thats how it works when you are a mum! She should have looked after you.

I hope you can find some peace with this and continue getting support.

Well OP, you have every reason to be angry.
Your mother failed you utterly and abandoned you as a very young child.

You must be a very special young woman to have survived and thrived.

Well done for all of your many successes.

I hope therapy will help you understand that none of this was your fault, that you were a child that needed to be loved and cherished.

Your mother put herself first during your formative years.

IMO that means you owe her nothing now.

You put yourself first and continue forward on your successful life path.

My dad was only around occasionally when I was tiny. And I know she's also the victim in the relationship with my step dad. He was never physically violent but he is very volatile and snappy and again everyone who has never live with him thinks he's ace 🙄 I think this is sort of my problem. To the person who talked about feeling things other than anger... God I feel literally everything there is to feel. Guilt is my huge one. Guilt that I'm a bad person for feeling as I do and guilt that I can't help her. She won't talk to me about anything but I'd give absolutely anything for her to communicate with me and for me to be able to help her (I work in mental health with people who have similar problems to me). I want her to say she loves me and it hurts that she doesn't.

It's so easy to give advice to others and not follow it yourself isn't it? This is really hard.

C-PTSD is really hard so I'm sorry to the poster who is experiencing that. I have a diagnosis of BPD which I got 2 years ago. I hesitated to add that to my OP due to the stigma around the condition but I really do query the label because it's all just a result of trauma which would fuck anyone up. I'm lucky to have been able to research and cope with my diagnosis in a more controlled way than a lot of the people I work with but that's just luck cos I'm a natural reader and I find the whole thing fascinating even if it is exhausting! This ability is definitely luck and not a sign of be being a better person or anything!

Thanks again for the compliments. My friends and partner say the same thing which is lovely but it's easy to convince yourself they are just being nice. It means a lot to be validated by people who arent emotionally attached too. 😊

Lozzerbmc wanna be my mum too? 😁 So glad your IVF was successful in the end.

Sorry if I've missed any questions. I'm glued to His Dark Materials currently. Happy days!

You should feel angry, you were let down and it has caused you long term damage.

You are so articulate and self-aware, you are healing. It’s a journey, but you are on the way to a place of peacefulness where you can acknowledge your childhood, but feel loved and complete in the current moment

You should feel angry and you would have every right to cut contact with her. I wish I had done that with my mum - she died of bowel cancer in 2019 and the only thing I felt was relief. I lived with her until I was 32 because she made me feel responsible for her. Throughout my childhood she was horribly abusive to me and blamed it all on her schizophrenia and alcoholism as I confronted her about it as I got older. I am still struggling with it all now but I do wish I’d moved out and cut contact with her years and years ago.

@HoppyBun Thank you. Yes C-PTSD is rough, horrible things happened during my childhood that were directly a result of my mother putting herself and her marriage ahead of myself and my brothers. My older brother has even less contact with her than I do, she's always moaning about it, but then takes the piss out of him because he's been brave enough to tell her that our childhood was shit, making remarks like 'oh yes, he had to work down the mines, walk 20 miles a day to school'...totally invalidating the way he feels. She genuinely doesn't understand that he's entitled to feel the way he does, and just because she thinks something wasn't so bad, doesn't mean the other people involved think or feel the same way.

I used to feel guilt, but 30 years down the line I don't. She wasn't an idiot, she could have helped both herself and her children, but actively chose not to. She didn't want to give up the lifestyle or her marriage. They meant more to her than we did. The great thing about being 52 is that other people's opinions about me having little to do with her really don't matter much to me anymore.

Quelquechose thanks. living in the moment is something I strive to do. I'm not successful all the time by any means but mindfulness practice has changed my life.

Bagelsandbrie (your name is making me starving!) I'm sorry you went through that and are still struggling with it all. You sound remarkable and I hope it's onwards and upwards from here for you.

Noirchatsdeux that'd a hard read but so familiar. Especially the minimising. And the last bit of your post gives me so much hope so thank you.

I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that a lot of my life has actually being as bad as I always thought and it wasn't me just been dramatic. This is all at once liberating and absolutely devastating. I'm in a lot better place now than I was 5 years ago though so I'm trying to embrace the feelings because if I don't go through them now I'll just keep surpressing them and then in 5 years I'll be no further along. Fuck me it's hard though. Tea and biscuits are helping. Rock and roll on a Saturday night 😂

I feel very much like I can do this but it's going to take time isn't it? There's so much I want to say but I'm too overwhelmed to type it all out. Thanks everyone who has commented so far x

OP, your mother let you down, failed to nurture you, did not support you as you passed through your younger life, abandoned you emotionally, and has not in later life reflected on her mothering of you or taken responsibility for her failures. Your mother may be a great person out in society, but that is surely part of the pain: she could not give you the care, thought, attention, support, time, to you, that she was able to give to others.

My mother is 80 now. I can, despite years of therapy, still feel surges of absolute rage and hatred towards the mother in my memory, and quite honestly she still behaves in many of the same pitiful, inadequate ways towards me as she did when I was a child. But... we have talked, always at my instigation, and she has apologised, when I've spelt it out for her. I'm still angry that I have had to do all the work processing my childhood, and that I have had the therapy etc, but I give her huge credit for always listening to me and for how she now does see how very short her parenting fell. One thing that helped me enormously was to find out more from her about her own childhood, and the childhood of her grandmother, and I can see an absolute inheritance being passed down the generations, of quite severe emotional neglect.

It hurts so much that we not loved as a child. Grieving for that, and feeling angry for that child, and for what it has left us to live with, is natural and right and in fact the anger in me has propelled me all my life not to take any shit and to become a high achiever. And that anger and unhappiness has finally brought me to deep reflection and self awareness (I hope) and maybe acceptance. Good luck to you. You are worth fighting for.

One thing that helped me enormously was to find out more from her about her own childhood, and the childhood of her grandmother, and I can see an absolute inheritance being passed down the generations, of quite severe emotional neglect.

^
YYY to this.
My Dad was a keen Rotary Club man, talked into it by his neighbour when I was a kid. I look back now and wonder how family life might have been different if the guy had, instead, encouraged him to get involved with his family instead.
Dad's Dad? Always busy "doing good in the community". Family never saw him.

But - you're more or less asking, "should I be angry?". And feelings are (to a large part) just there, they pay little attention to should or should not. It's entirely understandable to feel that way though! Your story sadly is not as uncommon as you'd hope and I've certainly heard similar from friends. Nobody sane would think less of you for saying "this is what happened and I'm still angry about it". In fact you may find, as you get older, you come to terms more with the situation but (in a calmer way) actually get madder about what happened, as you meet more and more sane, healthy families.

Good luck to you.