Coming to terms with childhood neglect

[HoppyBun]

Hi everyone. This might be long so bear with me.

I'm currently (finally) recivieing therapy aged 32 for past traumas. It's led me to question soemthing that I always knew but never really wanted to admit: that my mum neglected me and put my step dad first for my whole childhood.

I know mums are entitled to their own lives but I was a very anxious and emotional child and my mum was not abusive but didn't give me what I needed. For example, I used to wet the bed and had to deal with it on my own in the middle of the night from a very young age. I never remembering her saying she loved me or giving me a hug. That's just 'how she was'. I also told her at 14 my 19 year old boyfriend wanted me to have sex and I didn't want to and she didn't help me at all but let me still carry on seeing him. There are loads of other things but this is already war and peace.

I was bullied all through school and it came to a head at 15. I was crying out for help and as an adult I can see that I was hard work in that I was very emotional but this stemmed from desperately needing help. I was never violent or anything like that.

Anyway. My step dad and my mum kicked me out and I was homeless and sofa surfing until a charity for young people helped me out. I am lucky enough that I was stubborn and tenacious enough to carry on with my education, get a degree and now I have a life I'm proud to have built with my own house, cat and an amazing partner. I don't have or want children but am close to my nieces and nephews and can't fathom treating them the way I was treated.

I've worked on my mental health relentlessly and although I still have many issues I'm getting there except for one thing which I'd love people's opinions on:

Am I wrong or unreasonable to be angry at my mum? She is not a bad person and I'm struggling with my anger and resentment because of this. She does loads in the community and I can't seem to reconcile that with the emotional neglect I've suffered. I think I know the answer but I need people to be brutally honest and tell me it's not my fault and intentional or not, she caused so much damage by neglecting my needs and pandering to my step dad.

Thanks if you've got this far. This is a massive ramble. X

I am sorry you have experienced this op.

As a parent myself, I can't make sense of my mother's behaviour. I have no memories of her hugging me or taking me anywhere (to the park etc.) like I do with my own dc. I was in many ways abandoned emotionally and she was/is very distant. In addition, my father was physically abusive. But as someone said up thread, she chose this lifestyle - my grandmother would probably have accommodated us.

I am waiting for counselling (on the waiting list). I would like more answers before I attend, such as did my mother inherit her behaviour from past generations...but there are no answers (I am estranged from her, in spite of trying to get in contact again). I still yearn for what should have been and can never be and I think I have always sought a mother type figure throughout my life.

My mother was emotionally absent. Then she was physically absent. I made the effort to see her for my kids sake. Never fit in with the family.
She ended up with mnd, which took 5 years to kill her. When she went I breathed a huge sigh of relief and said thank fuck.
I had counselling because I couldn't get my head round the fact I was happy that she died. Not because she was no longer suffering but because I wasn't.
She was a big trigger for my mental health.
Her parents weren't exactly cuddly, but I always thought that people kind of learnt from their parents mistakes, I know I did. My dc knows I love them, we cuddle all the time and they always know that I will fight in their corner.
Be angry. But talk about it. It all helps.

Hi op, you grew up with clear childhood emotional neglect (CEN). I highly recommend a book called 'Running on Empty' by Jo ice Webb, which deals with CEN.

Loads of stuff on the internet about it as well.

I wish you the very best in therapy x

Jonice*

You are making too many excuses for her. 'All mums have their own lives, she is not a bad person, she kicked me out BUT' ...
She is a bad person. She neglected you and that is abusive. She kicked you out, and you still have anything to do with her? No I think you are in huge denial here but therapy will help you to see that.
I had a mother who was the same, not a single person would have ever believed what was happening at home. But I knew. It took me a long time, but once I have held her accountable for every single thing she did I was able to see how bad she was. I have very little to do with her and I am at peace with that.

Hi everyone. Sorry for the delay in replying! I'm still real grateful for all these opinions and they are really helping me to see that my judgement is clouded and that my suspicions that I'm making excuses and have been for years is not me being unreasonable but is something other people can see too.

Thinking about her childhood...my grandma was excellent but my grandad wasn't great. But I KNOW I wouldn't treat my hypothetical kids in this manner so why do I give other people a free pass to be crap?! I think feeling sorry for my mum or guilty for whatever reason or beating myself up for not being strong and forgiving enough is really hard but not as hard as facing the truth. I don't wanna do it 😂😂😂😂 but I will. I'm further down the path than I was even this time next week. It's just taking me longer than I thought it would.

I'm going to order the Running On Empty book so thanks for that recommendation. And thanks again to everyone for their kind and honest words. I need that honesty no matter how horrible it feels.

This weekend has been a bit of a roller-coaster with guilt popping up only to be shut down and challenged by this thread and my own thoughs. I'm tired today!

It's amazing to me that I help other people in this exact same situation for a living. I was hired precisely because of my lived experience and think I'm quite good at my job and I consider myself to be an intelligent person. Yet applying everything I KNOW to be helpful and true to myself is an uphill battle.

Love to all who have been through or are going through this same shite. I think we are pretty amazing!

for you OP. Your DM wasn't a good mother or a good person, so please stop justifying her behaviour. I hope therapy is able to help you see her for what she is/was. And yes, you can and should be angry!

Often, people who are abusive or neglectful of their own family are 'pillars of the community' types. My step-dad, who was a total arsehole throughout my childhood, was a well-respected GP.

@HoppyBun you are brave to post your question. To give you reassurance, I’m going through the same with therapy at age 60 following the breakdown of my marriage. I always knew that my mother neglected me both physically and emotionally, in favour of my younger siblings. She admits that by implication in things she has said. Therapy has given me permission to be angry with her, for the first time in my life. I have been attending twice a week for a year and it has truly changed my life. I can even be grateful to my lying, cheating ex husband for giving me this opportunity to work on myself. I too was bullied at school and became a prize winning people pleaser.

For the first time ever I have a safe place to admit my feelings about my mother (aged in her 80s and not in good health). I don’t feel judged, I feel free. I have sometimes wished my mother dead (including this morning). I let that feeling come and go and it’s ok.

It isn’t your fault. You were the child and she the adult (as was your step-father). Yes, all adults bring their baggage to the table. However the adult has a responsibility to manage theirs. Congratulations at getting therapy at such a young age and developing a stable life whilst working on your mental health. It is worth doing this work at any age, I believe. Don’t live one more day coping with the trauma of childhood neglect if you can do something about it. I count myself lucky that I can.

I married the male version of my mother because it felt so familiar to me. I now have boundaries in place, recognise that she has strong narcissistic traits and is toxic unless I maintain my boundaries, which I am getting better at doing.

You can be proud of yourself.

This part of @SuperbMonkey post is so important: Yes, all adults bring their baggage to the table. However the adult has a responsibility to manage theirs.

My mother has always used the 'but I had a crap childhood too' as an excuse...but when it came to her own children, it's not acceptable. It was her duty to do better, not the same or even worse. If she didn't feel able to do so, she had no business having children at all, until she got help.

I've never wanted children and I know I probably wouldn't have been a good parent. So I didn't have them. It wouldn't have been fair to them to do so.

Anger is a natural human reaction to injustice, hurt and unfairness. We're often made to feel guilty about having it but that's ridiculous. Emotions just exist. What we don't have to do is lash out or be destructive. Examining the anger and recognising its causes can lead to a period of grieving which helps us get over the hurt, and let the anger go. This is something to do for yourself rather than to forgive the person for their sake. Fuck them is my attitude, unless they are genuinely sorry for the pain and suffering they caused. I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit guilty about it either. Their choice to pretend they never did anything wrong/did their best etc. In some cases you might come to accept they were doing the best they could, in others it might be that they chose not to address the problems they had or how those problems affected others.

OP I'm with you re mental health and diagnoses - often it's just a collection of symptoms caused by trauma or circumstances of some sort.

Sorry it's been a while...I've been dealing with so much shit this week. Woe is me 😂 I really appreciate all your replies and can't thank you enough for taking the time to post them. They are all really helpful.

So I've been carrying a LOT of guilt (for no reason) and my therapist and I decided that it would be a good idea to ask once more, clearly, for what I wanted from her. I almost threw up and was shaking from nerves but did send her a lovely message about how I'd love to talk about some unresolved things that therapy has brought up. She said no. So I guess....that's that. In some ways I feel like a weight has been lifted as I don't feel (rightly or wrongly) that the ball is in my court anymore. But the othrt part of me... Well I've cried on and off all evening because I'm just so SAD that my mum doesn't care enough to want to help stop the hurt I feel. I feel positive though. I know I'll pick myself up and I feel like I had to go through today in order to be able to give my head a wobble and start thinking clearly.

Again thanks to all who have replied. What a great bunch you are

Emotional neglect is abuse

You truly are amazing. You can now put it all to bed and start the new life you deserve. Similar situation youngest of 17-we were even called the wrong names! I met a wonderful man have 2 sons and 3 grand children they are my world

Of course you can feel angry! In fact you should do.

My DM was emotionally neglectful and I think if she could have got away with it she would have been physically so as well. She was jealous of me and saw me as competition with my DF and later everyone. She didn't have the excuse of a neglectful childhood but she was resentful that there was little money. Not resentful enough to work to earn her own though. She is dead and I still feel robbed and resentful because I know she never loved me. I was the means by which she kept my DF.