What does 'making an effort' mean for you? What about presents?

[whoknew1]

As the title says - inspired by another thread and my own recent experience.
What would you call 'making an effort' in a relationship?
Is guy who never brings you flowers, even on occasions, or buys you a birthday gift - but otherwise 'makes an effort' as per cooking, making you a cup of tea, asking about your day and interested on your opinion/conversation with you, so generally being somewhat thoughtful - good enough?
Or maybe such things like making partner a cuppa, conversations or sharing cooking just basic, not making an effort?
The guy I decided to part with, when birthdays and Xmas was mentioned, said he 'is not big on presents, he would prefer to take someone out for a meal'.

Is taking someone out for a meal for their bday instead of a present and a card - good enough for you?
I am not huge on expensive/showy presents but love thoughful gifts and cards and always buy them for friends and family. Even if someone is skint, you can surely find or save up £10-£15 for a book/CD/candles/sweets and a card.
On the other hand, I know girls who get watches for £100 plus chocs and flowers and still say their partner is not making enough effort...
What about wearing better clothes when going out and even doing extra beauty salon stuff, like facials or nails for occasions, both men and women - if someome does not do it, or does it rarely, os that not enough effort.
I used to go out with a guy who would say he likes making an effort by wearing a shirt when out for a meal. It always made me chuckle inside as his shirts were not always ironed and also, in my book a shirt does not always mean super elegant look and also you can look good and as if you made an effort while being rather casual, in a polo, jumper or a t-shirt, all depends on where you are going and what is the vibe etc.
What is this 'effort' in your book?

Effort to me is listening to me, being kind to me, respecting me, showing that they can he trusted, giving me time. Being willing to prioritise my needs against their wants.

I have no interest in gifts - birthday or otherwise.

I'm not fussed about material things on any level.

Some people might think my 'effort' requirements are the basics but, given I've never had any of them, they feel huge

Well. This is exactly my point.
Material things mean little to me, it is the treatment and thought that count.
And based on that, I am often told that I am too forgiving and have low standards, and expect not much of men.

People show their love in different ways - words, kind gestures, presents. I think it helps if you understand how the other person shows their love even if it’s not how you would want it shown or how you show it. Understanding that has really helped me and DH as we show love in different ways and in the past I’ve felt he doesn’t show love as it isn’t the way I do.

Effort for me, means showing up to dates, replying to messages and asking about my life. My bar is set very low, probably because these are things I've never had either. I'd be thrilled if someone remembered my birthday sufficiently to send a Happy Birthday text. I'm also not big on gifts, I earn well so generally buy things I need or want, being taken out for a birthday dinner would mean the world to me.

It has to be a bit of both, gifts mean nothing if your treated badly anyway however if I didn't get a gift ever than I wouldn't be happy, although a meal out at a restaurant would be fine.
I get a gift for my birthday and Christmas otherwise I don't get random gifts or flowers, I must admit I would like them but it's not a deal breaker. I enjoy giving and often buy my bf something he needs but don't expect it in return.

Effort is listening, noticing and then doing things you like and make you happy or brings a smile in your face. Whichever form that takes.

Yep I’d rather have making an emotional effort over presents but thats not to say presents can’t come with an emotional effort too.

I’m wary of big gift givers who use spending power to buy into/a relationship if they use it to dodge responsibility or ‘pay off staff’ rather than work together on a relationship with a loved one.

Attentiveness, kindness, reciprocity, spending time, equality. Day to day.

It sounds like you personally would like a boyfriend to demonstrate caring for you through thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts. For me that’d be a desirable extra - my first boyfriend was great at this - but not important.

Making effort to me so to make sure your partner knows he/she is loved through your actions and words. Doing this that you dont do every day like taking them out somewhere or make a nice dinner at home.

I would be really disappointing if someone told me they're not big on presents and didnt bother. I love getting my family and partner presents, love planning it, wrapping and giving. It's out of love and care and I would expect someone to take their time and think about something I would like, because it would make me happy and show that that person enjoys doing something g for me that I do for them.
Dont put up with someone who makes excuses for not bothering.

‘ I know girls who get watches for £100 plus chocs and flowers and still say their partner is not making enough effort...’

Spending money, especially for those who have it, on generic items like that, is low effort.

I'd prefer the meal out to more stuff.
Just as thoughtful and better in some ways. Time to connect, best gift.

I’m with you @Rapunzel91. Not about the gift itself but the planning and thought that goes into it and him knowing that it means a lot to ME.

“I’m not really into birthdays” is applying your opinions to someone else and expecting them to accept it regardless of how they feel, the very opposite of thoughtfulness.

Presents are a tricky one because no one wants to be seen to be greedy. I love gifts. I love that someone has thought of me more than the thing itself.

I’m not bothered by material things either. Plenty of things I’d like to get but it doesn’t mean anything if the thought or love isn’t behind it.
My DH is pretty abusive on an emotional level though it took me a long time to see it for what it is. He does random big gifts and flowers... except it’s not really random because it’s always in response to me getting stronger/ready to leave.
That aside, the thing I’d love for an occasion is a card and dinner and drinks out of the house (the latter hasn’t happened even once since my DD was born because she has high needs and no-one helps with her care etc).
Effort is, to me, not “trying hard” but thinking about how to make someone you love happy

Effort, for me, is being helpful, carrying the load in life physically and emotionally, being a sounding board for difficult emotions and experiences and open enough to reciprocate that and doing those things even when it's hard. It's easy to be kind when we're all having a good day, but making an effort is trying to be kind and making time and energy when everything is really draining and hard.

A big meal is usually more time and effort than buying most things or signing a card. Day-to-day, picking something up that they thought I'd like is nice, but I wouldn't view it as 'an effort' - things can be lovely without being an effort - and for special occasions, I'm not a fan of token gifts. I would rather get nothing but their time than get something material just because it's a date on a calendar. I just had my 17th wedding anniversary and we just ordered in a meal from a nice restaurant and watched a movie together, only present we got was a drawing one our kid's made.

Yes, gifts can be a nice thought, but it can also be a terrible thought maybe I've just had too many begrudging gifts or assholes who think I need to be grateful in a particular way because they bought something. Picking something up in a shop or buying online can take as much thought and effort as the person wants, it doesn't automatically mean something to me unless it actually required a significant effort to get and was something that mattered to me (like hunting down proper dill pickles I craved them so much in my first pregnancy and all the ones in the shops had sugar and crap that tasted wrong).

@Dozer

Attentiveness, kindness, reciprocity, spending time, equality. Day to day.

It sounds like you personally would like a boyfriend to demonstrate caring for you through thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts. For me that’d be a desirable extra - my first boyfriend was great at this - but not important.

Not at all. It was always not material stuff that is important to me but the communication, how we get on, how thoughtful they are. However, when I am thinking of my experiences and seemingly 'low standards' I do come to conclusion that all of the men I ever was with or dated were similar with regards to making almost no 'effort' about all the smaller and bigger 'material things'.

All of them also had not loads of so called 'stability' so many of them would live in houseshare or at their parents, they never owned a property and didn't have well paid but regular jobs. Now, I have a very regular job, I earn less than 20k a year and I have managed to save up for a house deposit and buy a small house, cannot also imagine living long term in a houseshare with my parents in late 30s or early 40s.
I appreciate that life circumstances vary and also a lot depends on where you live... so I am not making any general statements about people in such positions.

Having said that, I see a clear pattern here, that all these men did not own much or care much about caring for financial side of their lives, they were also not willing to 'treat' their partners (me and others). Yet they all had 'better lifestyle' than me and had no problem with treating themselves, so going out a lot, holiday, gadgets, clothing.
So I am just trying to figure our how much of it is me going for men with clearly different priorities, how much it is my 'low standards' and hoe much me being a people pleaser, so always giving more than receiving and so on.
Which brings me back to the matter of my own low self esteem and thinking I do not actually deserve much.

My DH's idea of making an effort is listening to something l have said l would like or mentioned a job that needs doing and he does it. Gifts etc are nice but not that important to me.

‘ I know girls who get watches for £100 plus chocs and flowers and still say their partner is not making enough effort...’

Spending money, especially for those who have it, on generic items like that, is low effort.

I agree. I'd rather have nothing than those items. With the exception of a bunch of meadow flowers he'd picked on the way to see me.

When I was 19, a boy (not my bf) gave me a bunch of carnations he'd nicked from a bucket outside the local Spar. Most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me! 😆

And, tbh, it was actually far more romantic than the single red rose I received from Interflora (also from a boy who wasn't my bf).

OK I will say how I am 'making the effort' for my loved ones, family and friends.
For example.
My daughter is a big spender and loves getting new stuff. Pretty alien to me but there you go.
She had her room furnished 4 years ago, still looks lovely but now she wants a grown up bed and a grown up wardrobe and accersories etc for her final school years. It seems a bit ridiculous to me to buy new stuff she wants, as we could easily accesorise her room only to make it more grown up, but it really matters for her. So I am doing it for her birthday, to make her happy.
My friend being a huge fan of Star Wars and crafts - I always give her little Star Wars themed presents and also we went to a Star Wars themed event. I but her crafty presents, too. My friend is well off and could easily afford buying all I give her plus much more but always is so happy when opening her bday and Xmas gifts from me and says my presents are the best.

When my parents visit I always cook what they like and I buy flowers as my mum loves them but never gets them from dad or buy herself. My parents are not well off, mum is very sensible almost tight with money and finds it hard to treat herself, so I treat her when I can, I paid for her hairdressers or clothing (she tries to pay me back to be even but I refuse).

I walk my friend's dog when she goes away. I like animals but this one is not a 'nicr' dog, it's a bit mad and at times it scares me, and stinks af. But she loves him so I am trying to help.

I always buy food and treats my friends like when they visit me. I plan and suggest ltrips to places of interests or gigs, movies and events to do with my friends interests.

I used go to football matches even tho I am not a huge football fan myself with ex husband and buy him football gadgets and pressies and stadium tours, as it made him happy.
I would often cook his favourite dishes over mine, including prawns and frutti di mare which I hate.

Even going places, I usually give friends and family to decide to do what they want and where they want, putting their preferences first, to make them happy, it makes me happy too.

Now, very few people do any of that for me.

What someone upthread said....prioritising your needs with their wants. Making the effort is important to me with time rather than material things, just being there.

Making an effort to me are the little actions my partner does to make things easier for me, like putting on the porch light when he leaves for work so I don't have to struggle in the dark, putting the heating on before I come home, watching programmes he doesn't like just so he can spend time with me

I think it's putting thought in and being on the same page.

I give gifts at birthdays/Christmas and would be hurt if a boyfriend didn't reciprocate. I like to make a fuss over people on their birthdays/special occasions, and we do meals and presents in my family. I look for the same in return. It doesn't have to be expensive, it's just about making an event of it and trying to make each other smile.

If it was a one-way street, it would upset me.

Being kind and caring on a daily basis, not expecting a partner to be different/change as you should love them as they are.

Appearance should be ‘maintained’ I don’t mean dressed up, but taking care of your physical health and personal hygiene/grooming. If you wouldn’t go on a second date with someone who neglected their health or hygiene, you shouldn’t expect it in a relationship (specific illness related is obviously an exception).

Making decisions together and respecting and properly listening to their views.

Being honest with a partner, even if that means having to sometimes say things that are potentially ‘awkward’. Its part of communicating well.

Making me a priority. Ie if they aren’t very into material things that’s fine, but it would hurt if they will happily spend hundreds on designer items for themselves but can’t buy me a nice birthday gift. My dp is more appreciative of a nice meal and would be more inclined to take me to my favourite restaurant (I wouldn’t be impressed if he took me to a steakhouse for my bday because that’s what he wanted when I’m veggie).

So effort from my partner towards me is:
Birthdays, lovely card with very thoughtful words in, he takes a long time to sit and write them. Presents, he likes to make something so it's unique - he has help as he doesn't have the tools etc but he puts a lot of time and thought into these presents plus listens to me and gets something I've mentioned previously that I'd like (last birthday was 2 expensive rose bushes in nice pots and some handmade wooden items along with other bits). He also invites my closest family and cooks us all brunch with a cake afterwards and we go for a lovely meal in the evening. Huge effort for my birthday and he likes doing it for me. I feel very appreciated.

Day to day, the jobs I hate, bins etc. I hate gardening but have a fairly big garden, he's taken it upon himself to do all the gardening and is making it nice because he knows it will make me happy. This involves research and watching YouTube video on how to do it as he's never gardened before.

Making an effort to wear nicer clothes and not be scruffy, shaves regularly (I hate stubble), gets hair cut into a style rather than shaves his head like he used to, brings me lots of cups of tea, foot rubs etc.

For him, I keep myself nice. I got lazy in my previous relationship and didn't always shave etc. I make the effort now. I like nice clothes anyway but DP particularly likes certain things so I wear them more. I was going to have my hair cut shorter but he likes it long so I kept it a bit longer as I didn't mind anyway. He is happy to do his own washing but I do it all which he really appreciates and have his tea cooked most days (he does cook as well but I know he appreciates being fed). I het snacks that he likes and buy food only he eats. He never has to think about running out of toiletries etc as I keep a good stock. He has moved into my house so I've moved things and tried to accommodate various things to make him feel more welcome. I buy him things I know he needs but can't afford for birthdays. I always get a nice card and write things in. Little post it notes around. Cutting up little snack pots for his lunch (small thing but he really liles it). He had a tough upbringing and a shitty long term relationship and he's one of the most giving people I know so I like to 'look after' him and make him feel cared for. He's not really had that in his life, I know he really appreciates it.

We talk about us, how we feel about each other etc and it helps to feel very bonded. We can be a right soppy pair!

We feel like true partners with mutual respect and love. That's the biggest thing for us both as we've both lacked that throughout our lives.

I've been married to DH for 17 years so perhaps my standards are lower but I wouldn't really expect any of this!

He never buys me flowers. I will get a nice card on special occasions, but presents are often practical or something I've asked for rather than romantic or thoughtful. (He has occasionally given me a lovely present though.) He rarely cooks for me or makes me a cup of tea.

But he listens to me, respects my opinions, supports me emotionally and is a fantastic dad to our DC. Those are the important things for me.

I have really good self esteem by the way!