What does 'making an effort' mean for you? What about presents?

[whoknew1]

As the title says - inspired by another thread and my own recent experience.
What would you call 'making an effort' in a relationship?
Is guy who never brings you flowers, even on occasions, or buys you a birthday gift - but otherwise 'makes an effort' as per cooking, making you a cup of tea, asking about your day and interested on your opinion/conversation with you, so generally being somewhat thoughtful - good enough?
Or maybe such things like making partner a cuppa, conversations or sharing cooking just basic, not making an effort?
The guy I decided to part with, when birthdays and Xmas was mentioned, said he 'is not big on presents, he would prefer to take someone out for a meal'.

Is taking someone out for a meal for their bday instead of a present and a card - good enough for you?
I am not huge on expensive/showy presents but love thoughful gifts and cards and always buy them for friends and family. Even if someone is skint, you can surely find or save up £10-£15 for a book/CD/candles/sweets and a card.
On the other hand, I know girls who get watches for £100 plus chocs and flowers and still say their partner is not making enough effort...
What about wearing better clothes when going out and even doing extra beauty salon stuff, like facials or nails for occasions, both men and women - if someome does not do it, or does it rarely, os that not enough effort.
I used to go out with a guy who would say he likes making an effort by wearing a shirt when out for a meal. It always made me chuckle inside as his shirts were not always ironed and also, in my book a shirt does not always mean super elegant look and also you can look good and as if you made an effort while being rather casual, in a polo, jumper or a t-shirt, all depends on where you are going and what is the vibe etc.
What is this 'effort' in your book?

Effort to me is being kind, honest, trustworthy etc. But I think when buying presents, effort should be made as well because otherwise it can just be a sign of not paying attention which could mean they dont give a shit. Like if you supported a particular team, it would be pretty shit to get a shirt for the wrong team. Cost doesn't come into it for me, its about the thought. Not thinking hurts more because its just like they couldn't be bothered.

It's more about the little things though, making me hot chocolate, taking care of me when I'm ill, comforting me when I'm sad, talking me out of a stupid thought when my anxiety has reached its peak. Dunno how he puts up with me to be honest.

I think it's a balance of everything isn't it? I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate these gifts if it meant he though it gave him license to be nasty, inattentive, crap in bed or unfaithful. Some wankers like to buy their partner presents to shut them up after an argument or think it replaces real change or a heartfelt 'sorry'.

However, I don't think it's wrong to discuss the concept. One thing to watch out for is a man who will only do things if he alone thinks they are reasonable or makes sense. His time is far more valuable than yours therefore he wouldn't bear the thought of wasting it on something that might actually make you happy (in a way he doesn't understand or appreciate). On one hand, it indicates a practical mind or even someone who doesn't want to displease their partner by getting the wrong gift which would make them feel bad. On the other hand, it can be a type of selfish lazyness. It wouldn'f occur to them that the whole point of giving a gift is to make the other person happy.... not themselves!

Effort is whatever you decide it to be. Write down what is important to you.
Having your boundaries there in black and white makes it easier to weed out those who aren't a good fit.

OP you seem to like to give to others in thoughtful ways. If you're capable of doing that, there surely is a guy capable of it too.
So expect ct someone to give you as much as you give.

If you like cards and things like that, expect it. A guy who says we'll I'm not really a gift giver, I say so what. He should do it because she likes it.

to be honest most of what you discribe is the BASIC things you should accept from a partner (like cooking for you sometimes or making a cup of tea or planning something for your birthday etc...) like they would have to be a shit human being NOT to do those things so the gifts is an 'on top of' thing not an 'instead of' thing.

There was a post on here the other day about best gifts where a woman said DH never buys her anything so she has always bought and wrapped small stuff for herself to open so shes not left out but one year late on xmas eve he went out and bought her something right before the shops closed and that its never happened again since but was the nicest thing anyone ever did for her.

Honestly my heart hurt for her reading it, reading that she thinks so little of herself that a single last minute gift once in a decade+ relationship is more than she ever expected, I kind of just want to take her away and show her she deserves more.

for non-romatic relationships like friends or siblings I have no expectations of them though, most the people in my life are the kind that would take your family in in a heartbeat if you where homeless and give the shirt of their back but they never even think to do gifts lol.

DP doesn’t have a lot of spare cash but for my birthday he got me - among other small presents - a non-generic card with a nice print on that he’d spent a long time picking out, and a second-hand book I’d never mentioned but had wanted to read for ages, and he’d thought sounded like something I’d like. That’s effort, to me. The value of the gift is irrelevant.