Any reformed chasers of men here?

[Rae34]

I am finding that chasing men isn't working for me but I am struggling to stop myself! I have always liked to go for what I want and it is has resulted in some short term relationships but that is all.

In my most serious relationships it was more mutual.

I really like a guy now. I asked him out and he have me a lukewarm response at first. I think he is inexperienced although lovely so I put it down to that. Since I backed off he seems to be coming back around and reaching out again. Usually i would now start chasing again. I am finding it so hard to resist...

Anyone been down this road and finally just made themselves stop? How do you find the willpower?!

Remind yourself that doing it, is only hurting yourself.

Remind yourself that you are worth chasing.

Read The Rules.

I know. Liking the guy just takes over, I find it hard to stop myself!

Men that I like often don't ask me out because they think I wouldnt be interested in them. Two previous exes have said I was way out of their league and it never worked out. Maybe that is part of the reason I now think I have to chase, because if i dont they wont make a move.

Omg I was literally about tell you to read the Rules!

That’s if you want to go in the opposite direction from chasing. Some people would say there’s a happy medium. Worth reading anyway

I'm on to a different chaper of my life now, but I stopped chasing men just by realizing it doesn't work. It either puts them off (maybe?) or they just take what you offer them on a plate and then move on to someone else.

So just keep reminding yourself that it doesn't work, and don't do it.

Don't chase anyone, friend or lover. It has to be mutual, and you deserve to be treated as if you are wanted. Every time you message someone and they don't message back to the same extent, for instance, it can dent your self esteem. So make sure everything's reciprocal. Otherwise, whoever that person is, they're not worth spending time on, or at least not persuing any more than they're persuing you.

I also dont want a very traditional man if there is such a thing anymore. I am a feminist and want a fairly equal relationship.

Doesnt the rules just play into old stereotypes and might therefore attract that type of man? Havent read them btw.

My friend says she thinks that men say they want an independent woman but reality is different....

You can take the good bits of the rules and leave the rest. I took from it the idea of dignity, seeing yourself as very valuable, and always keeping a little bit of yourself just for yourself.

I'm quite fascinated by this really. You must be extremely confident. I'd rather have the earth swallow me than ask someone out.

Sorry if I sound stupid, but what are the rules?

I am quite fascinated by it myself @Gwenhwyfar. The first time I did this I was 12 - of course it wasn't a 'real' relationship of any kind. But I have done it on a number or occasions.

I think people would describe me as quite self assured (rather than arrogant) but I can be quite shy really. Weird combination.

I was pretty shocked to find that even these days, guys are freaked out by a woman who pursues them or basically just says what she wants. They often back of immediately. I generally also go for and ask for what I want. I guess some men find this threatening because it is typically the 'masculine' role to purse and persist until the woman sees his amazingness.

I don't want to read a goddamn book which says 'a woman should be "easy to be with but hard to get" in order to get said guy. He should be happy to have my attention dammit. But I do want the guy.

Can a relationship based on games actually succeed? At some point you have to drop the game and let them see that you are just another human being.

I've always been a chaser. I was like it from a young child (inspired by Miss Piggy persuing Kermit ), then asked out some other boys, then for some reason I based my style of seduction on Zuul when she possessed Dana in Ghostbusters.

Must've watched it at a vulnerable moment.

I'm not particularly confident as such, but I am an extrovert. I have autistic traits so probably find it hard to avoid coming out with what I'm thinking, and to act socially 'appropriately' (though women being discouraged from asking someone out arguably wouldn't be a thing in a feminist/equal world.)

I happened to look at The Rules the other day- I thought it would be fun to write a feminist/mocking inversion of it. But it was unusable for anything.

Aim for reciprocity of push/pull in any relationship/friendship.

And other than that, act like your authentic self.

Are these rules available online?

Some bits of 'Why Men Love B*tches' are good. www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@grassisjeweled I downloaded it here the other night dlscrib.com/seduction-ellen-fein-the-rules-pdf_58c05619e12e895223add378_pdf.html (obviously do this at your own risk, but I haven't had any computer issues since.)

I just don't contact them 🤷. I've been in a relationship for nearly 9 years now but I was never the first one to make a move. I would answer if they text or phoned, but honestly was never that interested in someone that I felt the need to chase them, and would have just been embarrassed and annoyed at myself for wasting my own time if they didn't respond.
I'm still like this now with dp 😂 but now I don't worry that he won't respond, I just can't be arsed talking to him on the phone.

God you sound great @Iminaglasscaseofemotion . Give me a dose of that willpower please!

OP, are you me? I do this. If I want someone I'm very upfront about it. I'm not sure it works. I'm also in a similar situation with a guy.

How old are you? I'm old enough to know better.

I’m with your friend, from my experience they either think they want a confident woman and then end it as you don’t need them. Or they want to break her. But I’m a cynic and I’m sure there must be men out there who also seek equality...

Reformed man chaser! I realised that chasing men who just weren’t that into me-liked me fine, would go out with me but later down the line would meet a women they really liked was awfully hurtful and not even their fault-they quite often told me as much-I chose not to hear it. It never felt right-not like when you are with someone who loves you like you love them. I wish I could tell you I settled down with my dream husband but no-I realised too late and am now single, and now have a lovely life without feeling like I am never enough. Your friend is right, as horrible as it is a lot of men-in my experience the more mediocre ones do not like independent women-they say they do but they don’t. It means they have to put effort in to keep you as you have the means to leave. Men who say they thought you were ‘out of their league’ are lying-most men have very high self belief and think they have a chance with anyone they fancy, they will also ask women they like out/slide into dms/message etc, What they mean is they liked you, just not enough to pursue-the out of league lie is to make you feel better. Sometimes I do nearly catch myself about to message a man I have just met but know does not like me like that-and just tell myself how embarrassed I will feel if they don’t message back, or just a one word answer or something.

Yeah.

But I’ve been single now for 6 years

I think I’m just not chase worthy material.

Me. I actually loved trying to get men i shouldn't... or that would be difficult.... such as famous sportsman, comedians etc.... and quickly learnt it wasn't as difficult as I thought. Actually I love the chase.

But that was purely for casual sex.

When it came to a relationship I was in your shoes more often than I'd like to admit in the past. But it really is the truth that a man that wants you will do anything to be with you and he will absolutely be the one chasing you .... you just need to hold out and really let him chase you.... a man will show you how he feels by how much effort he's putting in.... if he's not reaching out first and taking initiative he isn't too interested.... if he wants you he's not going to let it simmer out and let you get bored and find someone else.

The ex boyfriends who said I was out of their league DID pursue me - they just thought they couldn't keep me. With my last ex this was backed up his friend joking 'and how did you find a girl like this?'. Not to toot my own horn, I am quite pretty but generally prize inteligence(funny/kindness over looks. The guys are very attractive to me but maybe 'average' to an outsider!

@Confused73 I have just turned 29. Quite keen to make that change now so I can meet someone that really feels motivated to be with me.

The last guy I dated (for 6 months) said 'you don't need any man' with a smile when we last met for coffee. We are friends now and broke up due to being better as friends and moving to different countries. It was hard to hear that I give off that impression

My DM always told me 'marry a man that loves you just a bit more than you love him' and honestly...I agree!