Any reformed chasers of men here?

[Rae34]

I am finding that chasing men isn't working for me but I am struggling to stop myself! I have always liked to go for what I want and it is has resulted in some short term relationships but that is all.

In my most serious relationships it was more mutual.

I really like a guy now. I asked him out and he have me a lukewarm response at first. I think he is inexperienced although lovely so I put it down to that. Since I backed off he seems to be coming back around and reaching out again. Usually i would now start chasing again. I am finding it so hard to resist...

Anyone been down this road and finally just made themselves stop? How do you find the willpower?!

@Rae34 ok I think you're me a couple of decades ago. The problem is for me that I see the guy I like now looking at women who are physically my type and sometimes he seems very flirtatous/interested in me and at other times, we're just good mates.

Though, I'd agree, by now I don't need any man. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind having one around though.

The last guy I dated (for 6 months) said 'you don't need any man' with a smile when we last met for coffee. We are friends now and broke up due to being better as friends and moving to different countries. It was hard to hear that I give off that impression

I get what you mean but it's actually a great impression to give and position to be in- aim for it if you don't have it already. We don't need partners to survive or feel good about ourselves, they are just an added bonus in life.

I don't believe in all the game playing books like The Rules promote (ie not chasing to get them to chase). I used to chase until I realised that men are very simple creatures. If they like you, they will pursue you especially if you have already expressed interest in them by making the first move. They'll just take over from there.

That doesn't mean you should be passive. By all means, ask men out etc but if you're not getting anything back, move on!

I just downloaded tinder for the first time...and got 99 'likes' in about 15 minutes!! God I could see how could get addictive. I was trying to distract myself plus pandemic so...

I am confused about this guy I like. He seemed to make it obvious he liked me. He always stayed close to me during nights out with our friends. He has stayed in touch throughout lockdown but sporadically lately. But he told me he admires me because I do brave things, which makes me think I am on that pedestal for him. I don't like being on it!

@bigbluesea would a guy definitely pursue you if you worked together? This guy and I work together. And we have talked about the me too movement so he is attuned to all that. Not convinced he would make a move.

I am planning to leave the job in 6 months. I guess if he still doesn't make a move then...

Reformed chaser here . I shall not be asking any men out again . I’ve never had any success when I’ve had to chase.

Also I asked this guy out from work after I had left the work place . Went on one date and it didn’t work out . Wish I’d never asked . He had my number for a year prior . There was no interest level on his part at all . But I was blinded by liking him so much .

Definitely! Don't most people meet their partner through work these days (besides from online dating)? Most people don't care about that.

I've learned from bitter experience that mixed messages are still a no. If someone really likes you, you'll never doubt the way he feels about you. Some men just like the ego boost of attention. Hope you find someone better on Tinder!

@bigbluesea
I agree . My advice would be to take the mixed signals as a no, see him as a friend and meet new men on tinder . I was in your position and I continued to chase , it just made things 100 times worse for me .

I suppose it wasnt totally mixed messages. We were supposed to go out and had it lined up for the week pandemic happened. I still would have liked more enthusiasm at the start though.

I want to date! But who am I kidding? It wont truly be safe to date until we have a vaccine.

@Civilhelp I know you're right. Good advice.

The egg does not chase the sperm!

Love that saying

Biology 101 @user1481840227. Should have known

I was genuinely amazed to hear my friend, a true feminist, say yeah but men still like the chase. it seems to go against centuries of progress...does it really all come back to the primal...

Thanks @SoulofanAggron

Who cares what men like?
They either like you or they don’t- believe me, they will let you know

I’ll come at this from a mans perspective.

A man may have shown no interest previously because he isn’t interested. However he becomes interested when sex is offered to him on a plate and he will more than not take the meal! However it’s not his favourite meal. He will keep eating the meal until he gets sick of it and then seeks his favourite elsewhere.

Men rarely turn down sex in my experience.

God, never chase a man.

When I met my husband, I let him do all the chasing.

Then, at the point at which he was ready to pounce make a move (and I was sure of him) I turned around and told him exactly what I was expecting of him and how his life would look going forward if he chose to continue.

It worked very well, we're very happily married.

Reformed chaser here.

I would always chase after the men who I saw as a bit of a challenge (usually absolute shit bags). I had zero interest in anyone who chased after me and told myself that nice, decent blokes just weren’t attracted to me.

It was a combination of reaching my mid thirties, reading ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and someone who loved me telling me that if I kept picking the same sort of men, I would keep having the same sort of problems, that made me realise that I was the problem. I was terrified of commitment so would chase after men I knew weren’t bothered about me and who would never commit to me, so I would never really open up and trust them and it wouldn’t then come as a huge surprise when they did indeed act like shitbags.