Need advice on managing NC with my mother. Thanks

[RustyOldBike]

I've been NC with my mother for nearly a decade.

It followed a lifetime of emotional abuse and failing to act to protect me from physical and sexual abuse.

I have 2 children. One is now a teen and the other an adult. As her behaviour became increasingly erratic, and she began to say things to my children that I recognised from my own childhood, I severely limited contact between them. Neither child was ever on their own with her. Even phone calls were supervised and were often cut short when her communication with the eldest (youngest was too young) became inappropriate. I didnt really understand about going NC at the time - it didn't occur to me as an option so I just managed it as best I could.

I finally went NC with her after making an enquiry under the child sex offender's disclosure scheme and discovering that her partner had 2 convictions. The police and LA authority were involved and it was determined that we should cease contact with both of them.

I am unable to talk about this with anyone. No one else knows. She has been able to lie about the reasons for the NC with impunity and paints me as a mentally and emotionally disturbed person. I have lost people from my life who were like family growing up because they sided with her in the absence of any other evidence. I have no family other than my children and a brother who is also NC.

I would, at some point, like to be able to be honest with people. At the moment, I have to be vague and cryptic and lie about my reasons for being NC with her which makes it sound as though I might be a factor in it - surely I'd be honest if I were not to blame at all?

Anyway. The law only protects this secret whilst her partner is living. He will be in his mid 70s now. They are still together.

I have one fb friend from the past. His mother is my mum's best friend and he was like a cousin growing up but, other than liking the occasional photo and 2 or 3 messages over the years, i haven't seen him for 20+ years.

His family knew of the abuse growing up but probably not the extent of it. His parents once told me that I knew where they were should never need them and wee a great support during my teenage years. But life moves on, they are also in their 70s now, believe my mother's version of events and I have no way of setting them or anyone else straight. Two of my relatives have also died in the interim and went to their graves believing the worst of me.

Over the past few months, I have been considering speaking with the man who is my mother's best friend's son. I don't want to involve him as such but I rally want to know when mother's partner has died so that I no longer have to live a horrible, damaging lie. I've been considering just saying to him that i don't want to involve him but would he just let me know if/when he has died so that i can begin to live a more authentic life and put right some of the past wrongs.

I'd really like some advice on this.

I'm aware there will be those who say I should let sleeping dogs lie but the abuse has lasted my entire life and still continues. It won't end until I can finally be honest.

Thank you

I don’t think I can give you any advice but wanted to say well done for cutting contact and protecting your children.

Have you got any support?

Have you ever been able to talk to someone about the abuse you experienced?

No. No support. My brother knows the reason for NC. But we dont talk about it because he is very much trapped in anger.

I've had therapy for the effect of the abuse- eg self esteem, confidence, etc but I've processed the abuse, I understand where it came from (she was very unhappy and dissatisfied with life - felt she'd been cheated of the life she should have had because of an accident she had and reveals in sympathy and people knowing just how bad it was for her).

I can see it still impacts now hut that's just 'me' now.

I really just want to be able at some point to be able to say that I cut contact with mother because her partner is a convicted child sex offender so that the action and choice was hers/his and not as result of my emotional/mental instability.

She's woven all sorts of lies and unpleasant narrative about ke over the years. I just want to be able to tell the truth

I understand that. It’s horrible to think that people believe something about you that isn’t true to mask a deeply unpleasant truth.

Thanks. I just really need to know what other people think of the idea of messaging this man.

We were really close until our late teens. Our sporadic contact has been warm and friendly since. I went to his wedding 20 years ago but, other than on fb, our paths havent really crossed since.

I dot want to involve him directly, just ask him to let me know when my mothers partner is dead.

Only you know how you feel about contacting him. Will it raise a lot of stuff for you? Do you want to talk to him? I think what you are asking could provoke some response - he might want to know more.

Is your mother's best friend still around? Is there ANY chance your request could get back to your mum?

"The law only protects this secret whilst her partner is living".

I would determine with the police whether this is still the case at all. Who advised you anyway not to talk about this?. His convictions would be a matter of public record surely. Was he given anonymity?. It may also be worth you contacting the NSPCC.

I would think twice about contacting this man at all; he may well have over time been influenced and or otherwise manipulated by your mother via his mother. Also he has not reached out to you at all.

You're right. It is a deeply unpleasant truth. If she'd chosen to tell people we'd fallen out and bridges were broken then I'd be ok with that. But she has painted herself as the innocent victim of my mental health/emotional problems and shares that far and wide.

She could be completely honest if she wished. It's only me who the law prevents from saying anything but she would prefer to protect him to the extent that she would make up lies about me.

It's just not fair.

It's a horrible situation OP. Why is the law stopping you outing him? I don't understand why he gets protected from this?

If you really don't want to tell people, is there a way you can infer it without saying it. I. E. You weren't comfortable having him around the kids and don't go into further info, or that he has been prosecuted for crimes which morally don't sit right with you etc and then explain you can't say more?

Ok. He and I had a chat earlier this year via messenger - just a bit of a catch up. I've no doubt he'll have heard stuff but it hasn't affected how he responds to me. I woudlnt expect him to reach out to me about this. He has shown me that he is still open to me by the communication we have had. He probably doesnt think it is his place to say anything first.

I would determine with the police whether this is still the case at all. Who advised you anyway not to talk about this?. His convictions would be a matter of public record surely. Was he given anonymity?

The police made it quite clear at the time that data protection laws protect him until his death. This is to ensure his safety and protection now he has 'served his time'. After that time, i can say what i like because the law doesnt protect my mother - whatever the impact on her. The silence is to prevent any revenge attacks on him which might jeopardise the continued existence of the CSODS.

His convictions would be a matter of public record surely

I would have thought this too. Who has told you otherwise?

I can't say anything that even hints at his convictions. Anything that might lead anyone to put 2 and 2 together and draw the correct conclusion.

All I've said to to even my closest friends is that my mother was seemed a safeguarding risk and the local authority stipulated no contact (she was felt to be 'grooming' on his behalf and trying to use my children to prove to him that she trusted him and believed that he was the victim 🙄).

I've said i have paperwork to support this but can say no more.

The most I can say is that my

I would have thought this too. Who has told you otherwise?

The police at the time the disclosure was made.

They were quite clear that if they found out I'd said anything, they would pursue it fully.

Am I right in thinking that your mother's abuse of you happened while she was with this man? If it was before she met him then surely a partial truth would be to say you were NC with her because of her behaviour without even mentioning him? Even the inappropriate phone calls she had with your eldest (which you think were grooming moves on his behalf), were made by her and needn't be referenced back to him? Sorry if I've got this all arse about face but it's certainly a horrible position to be in. Could you say to mum's friend's son that you want to build bridges with your mum but you can't do that until partner has died so could he keep in touch with you?

I would have thought this too. Who has told you otherwise?

The police at the time the disclosure was made.

I would actually verify if what you were told at the time is correct and or the case now. It may well be worth your while talking to a Solicitor here because you may well have been misinformed.

The scheme you mentioned (CSODS) allows those who care for young people to find out if a person has a record for child sexual offences.

Has the man been given a new identity? I can't imagine why a conviction which is a matter of public record should be secret.

lifestooshort123

No. She was married to my dad until I was 18. She met this man 16 years ago and has been with him since. I'm 45.

I told her about 'low level' ongoing sexual abuse that i experienced when I was 10 at an activity I attended and she disregarded it until another parent contacted her about her daughter saying similar.

My dad was physically abusive when I was a child but he apologised She felt that she was a greater victim than me because she had to witness it.

I told her of an attempted rape when I was 16 and she sneered and told me it was my own fault and "what did you expect?" Well, I expected to he able to go into the local town with my friend without a stranger dragging me behind a pub, tbh.

The scheme you mentioned (CSODS) allows those who care for young people to find out if a person has a record for child sexual offences.

Yes. That's the scheme I used to make the enquiry.

I was told by the officer who made the disclosure that there were those who weren't happy about the scheme as it made people who had commited crimes vulnerable to retaliation. If people were victims of revenge attacks (eg if I told a family member who then put a brick through his window) then it could jeopardise the future of the law. As such, anyone who was believed to have told anyone what they knew, would be pursued under the data protection law. I was told I couldn't even tell my brother even though it potentially put our relationship at risk. The stress of it contributed to the break up of my marriage.

I was told i couldn't tell anyone and I never have.

No. No new identity.

Its because people have a right to a private life and to live in peace and move on after a sentence is served without risk or fear of recrimination or retaliation.

The knowledge has no doubt protected my children but it delivered a sentence of it's own to us.

I am not totally understanding the thread OP. If you go NC, there is nothing more really to be said. You don’t have to justify it or defend it in any way.

But your other point is that you want her partner “outed” for his past crimes, which you then add is not legal (I understand). You want to do this so relatives and friends she’s bad mouthing you to will understand, am I correct?

I’m just not clear what you want to achieve here. Could you clarify a bit more?

You could tell this other relative that what happened was shocking and terrible, without giving details? Or you could just move on and not get involved in defending yourself?

Just to sum up, one of the advantages of NC is that you don’t really have to “manage” things anymore. There is nothing more to say to anyone really as you are no longer involved with all the drama. I know there are some complexities here and there, but that’s the bottom line so to speak?

No. You haven't understood.

I am nc with her but I am not allowed to tell anyone - even people who wouldn't know if if she passed them in the street - why. I have to lie. Or be evasive. Whilst she is actively lying about me with impunity because she knows I can't say anything.

I am living a lie. Family members have died thinking that I cut contact because I am mentally and emotionally unstable and so cut contact withe as a result. I have lost people I've known my whole life because they believed the lies she has told them. I can't even live an authentic life with my friends now because I can't be honest about the reason I'm no contact with her. Amd whilst I dont need to justify it, actually it would be quite nice to just talk it though with someone!

I can't process the impact fully because I cant tell anyone about it.

I dont want him 'outed'. I just want to he able to be honest about my own fucking life.

I cant even tell my children. They have lived their lives knowing they can't see their grandma but not knowing why.

It's not about 'outing' anyone. I just want to be able to tell someone the truth.

She has lied about me my whole life. It would just me nice to be able to tell someone the truth and have them see it.

It's easy to say that going NC removes the drama but actually I live with it every time someone asks about my family. Everytime my children have asked why they dont have a grandma. Everytime I attend safeguarding training at work. Everytime I report a concern about a child. Everytime I cant be honest.

But why would friends and family believe her over you? Why is she lying? If people believe her nonsense, let them? Maybe they don’t even? If they do, there failure, not yours. Have you heard the term flying monkeys? If a friend of mine said she had “good reason” to go NC with a parent, without going into it, I would understand her and her not wanting to explain further ...

Ps I understand your frustration but there is no need to swear at me!.

Perhaps you could see a counsellor, where you can be completely honest?

I wasn't swearing at you. Just the situation.

But why would friends and family believe her over you? Why is she lying?

Because she has lied about me.my whole life. She has tried herself.to paint herself as my victim and sought sympathy for the trauma of having a mentally and emotionally unstable daughter since before I was even aware of it.

She used to take me to therapists as a child so they could diagnose me with something - some.psychiatric condition or something. But withdrew me after a couple fo sessions when it was suggested it was a family dynamic issue and there was not actually anything wrong with me.

She reportd me to social services when my son was a baby as lacking capacity as a parent because of my mental and emotional instability. It's been a narrative my whole life.

She has attempted to sabotage everything. My education, my family, my friendships. In some cases, she has told.outrageous lies about me in front of me but there was nothing I could do. To question it would have only made me look as unstable as she was suggesting- after al, why would she say such things if they weren't true. The lies werent necessarily shocking in nature just completely false and painted herself in a very benevotn light whilst making me appear incapable and in need of her support.

All lies.

I dont care about most people but there are some extended family members and people who ingrew up with as family and I would like them to see, one day, that there was never anything wrong with me and it was all her and her lies.