I've been NC with my mother for nearly a decade.
It followed a lifetime of emotional abuse and failing to act to protect me from physical and sexual abuse.
I have 2 children. One is now a teen and the other an adult. As her behaviour became increasingly erratic, and she began to say things to my children that I recognised from my own childhood, I severely limited contact between them. Neither child was ever on their own with her. Even phone calls were supervised and were often cut short when her communication with the eldest (youngest was too young) became inappropriate. I didnt really understand about going NC at the time - it didn't occur to me as an option so I just managed it as best I could.
I finally went NC with her after making an enquiry under the child sex offender's disclosure scheme and discovering that her partner had 2 convictions. The police and LA authority were involved and it was determined that we should cease contact with both of them.
I am unable to talk about this with anyone. No one else knows. She has been able to lie about the reasons for the NC with impunity and paints me as a mentally and emotionally disturbed person. I have lost people from my life who were like family growing up because they sided with her in the absence of any other evidence. I have no family other than my children and a brother who is also NC.
I would, at some point, like to be able to be honest with people. At the moment, I have to be vague and cryptic and lie about my reasons for being NC with her which makes it sound as though I might be a factor in it - surely I'd be honest if I were not to blame at all?
Anyway. The law only protects this secret whilst her partner is living. He will be in his mid 70s now. They are still together.
I have one fb friend from the past. His mother is my mum's best friend and he was like a cousin growing up but, other than liking the occasional photo and 2 or 3 messages over the years, i haven't seen him for 20+ years.
His family knew of the abuse growing up but probably not the extent of it. His parents once told me that I knew where they were should never need them and wee a great support during my teenage years. But life moves on, they are also in their 70s now, believe my mother's version of events and I have no way of setting them or anyone else straight. Two of my relatives have also died in the interim and went to their graves believing the worst of me.
Over the past few months, I have been considering speaking with the man who is my mother's best friend's son. I don't want to involve him as such but I rally want to know when mother's partner has died so that I no longer have to live a horrible, damaging lie. I've been considering just saying to him that i don't want to involve him but would he just let me know if/when he has died so that i can begin to live a more authentic life and put right some of the past wrongs.
I'd really like some advice on this.
I'm aware there will be those who say I should let sleeping dogs lie but the abuse has lasted my entire life and still continues. It won't end until I can finally be honest.
Thank you