“DH” thinks he can do know wrong

[DigitalChristmas]

Feeling really deflated tonight. Defended myself to him after getting told I’m full of shit and talking shit when I said something he didn’t want to hear. Told him I would not tolerate getting spoken to like that. He insisted he’s not done anything wrong and I’m now getting the silent treatment.
Lockdown/restrictions are taking their toll as he’s wfh so I get minimal time away from him.
He occasionally will go to the other extreme and do the whole I’m just a complete arsehole or terrible person but we’ve not used that card in a while.

I’m guessing this isn’t the first time that this has happened?
What did you say that he objected to do much?
Are you in a position to leave if you decided you wanted to?

People who are 'never wrong' are tedious, and an energy drain. In your shoes I'd go on with life happily and wouldn't give a shit about the silent treatment
At least when he's silent you don't have to listen to nonsense. On the other hand I don't understand women who put up with 'The Sulks' from grown men. Life's way too short. I'd tell him you can be silent forever IDGAF. If I could be bothered that is, I'm not sure that being a bore is even fixable.

He sounds like a knob
Ltb

@PurpleDaisies unbelievably over a tv program. He was commentating constantly on the show with underhand/nasty comments about the people so much so I couldn’t hear what was happening. No idea if he thinks he’s being funny or is deliberately trying to ruin something for me once I’ve got the dc to bed. Sadly I suspect the later.

As pp said, just get on with things and totally blank his silent treatment. Even if he drags it out. Don't reward it with trying to get him 'back to normal'.

Lol 😂 just looked at my title. Oops 😬

It does sound like he was being an arse and trying to ruin your show.

Ignore his childish silent treatment. I'd go on strike. Let him get his own meals, etc. if he thinks be a jerk about a tv show is ok.

He sounds like a right wanker.

Definitely ignore the silent treatment, let him stew.
When he finally comes round then be to the point and tell him that he needs to be more respectful as it is not acceptable to be so rude and he is not a good role model for his dc.

Thanks everyone. With lockdown/restrictions in place I’m just feeling incredibly disheartened/deflated that the one person who should be there for me instead treats me with little or no respect.
I’m mindful that the tv example may make me look petty but as pp’s have suggested this is merely the tip of the iceberg.
Sadly I’m not in a position to leave which is soul destroying.To compound the situation further he regularly undermines me in front on the dc. He is not the man I married, or perhaps he was, he just hid incredibly well behind his mask.

You say you are not in a position to leave? Is he in a position to leave?
Perhaps a conversation along the lines of we are no longer gelling like we used to, neither of us is happy, what do you want to do about it, may be the way forward.

You only have one life. DC only have one childhood.

There may be more options than you thought? Check out the various threads on here about money and benefits etc. Get a job, part time or full time if you don’t already have one (easier said than done I know) so you don’t have to rely on him financially.

Staying somewhere because of the quality of life as he has money and you don’t, or because you feel it would be too hard just now until dc are all at school or whatever may mean you have to delay things but start making plans. Take photos of his wage slips, P69s or bank statements for evidence should he piss you about at a later date.

DC

re your comments in quote marks that I have separated out:-

"Sadly I’m not in a position to leave which is soul destroying".

What is preventing you from leaving your abuser?. Write it down in your thread, as Elieza writes there may be more options here than you think. There is always a way out and no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable. He is abusive towards you no two ways about it. His silent treatment towards you is emotional abuse.

re your comment:-
"To compound the situation further he regularly undermines me in front on the dc. He is not the man I married, or perhaps he was, he just hid incredibly well behind his mask".

Precisely. He targeted you. He hid his true nature long enough to get you invested or hooked. Sadly there were likely some red flags here re him before but these were not recognised or otherwise brushed off.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this the relationship model or blueprint for their future relationships as well, it could well become so. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Their house is not the sanctuary it should be; you and in turn your children are being abused here by this man. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. They are also seeing you constantly preoccupied and otherwise worried. Its no life for them either.

He sounds most unpleasant OP.

Baby steps.

Reach out for support IRL.

Take your time and try and organise yourself.

He sounds like he could be abusive.

Speak to Women's Aid for advice.

Feeling deflated by his attitude not only towards me but to all women. We are all crazy apparently.

I’m also repeatedly being accused of being “mean” to him. It’s wearing thin and I thought we had moved on from these bullshit allegations.

I’ve not been able to get in touch with women’s aid yet as the DC or DH have always been in earshot during office hours.

Couldn’t sleep so took a look at the women’s aid website. Did their online questionnaire and it said if you answered yes to one or more questions you may be in an abusive relationship. I said yes to seven of them.

@DigitalChristmas

Couldn’t sleep so took a look at the women’s aid website. Did their online questionnaire and it said if you answered yes to one or more questions you may be in an abusive relationship. I said yes to seven of them.

Holding your hand op. I remember the day I did a similar questionnaire. It was a scary moment, seeing it in black and white like that. The world stopped spinning for a minute.

I'm sorry your family life has been so sad and hurtful for you. You dont deserve that. You deserve peace and comfort in your own home. Xx

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Thanks for your kind words, it is very much appreciated. Sorry to hear you were in an toxic relationship too.
Yes it is a bit of a shock, especially as there is no physical violence you don’t think you are in a DV relationship.

Op as you're painfully aware I'm sure, verbal abuse and comtempt can be just as disheartening. Good luck with contacting WA, I hope they can give you the ability to leave

@DigitalChristmas

Thanks everyone. With lockdown/restrictions in place I’m just feeling incredibly disheartened/deflated that the one person who should be there for me instead treats me with little or no respect. I’m mindful that the tv example may make me look petty but as pp’s have suggested this is merely the tip of the iceberg. Sadly I’m not in a position to leave which is soul destroying.To compound the situation further he regularly undermines me in front on the dc. He is not the man I married, or perhaps he was, he just hid incredibly well behind his mask.

@DigitalChristmas, so sorry to hear you are in this position. I was, too. Over a couple of years at the end of our marriage, I managed to get from "I can't leave" to "maybe I could" to currently one year out. My stbxh hid behind his mask less and less successfully as the years went by. It is the lack of support/respect that you talk about that is so devastating. I realised I got more support and respect from strangers on the street/at the supermarket etc. than from my own husband that really opened my eyes.

@everythingbackbutyou sorry you also had to experience a toxic relationship. That’s great you were able to leave.
I think it will completely destroy me if I don’t leave.
It’s terrible to say this but at the moment I can’t stand him, I have the “ick”, pretty much everything he does annoys me and with restrictions in place I can’t escape anywhere.
He’s at home 24/7 with the exception of going to the shops and it all just feels so claustrophobic.

with restrictions in place I can’t escape anywhere

If your only reason for not leaving is the Covid restrictions, leave. One of the exceptions is to remove yourself from an abusive relationship.

I hope you find the strength to do it

@Feedingthebirds1 i was meaning get away from him for brief spells to reset things. I just want to release the valve on the “pressure cooker environment” I’m in.
I will leave if things don’t improve I just need to get my ducks in a row. Any immediate threat to the my safety or the dc’s and lockdown or not I’ll be out of there.

Don’t know why but it all seems to overwhelm me once the dc are in bed, perhaps it’s the realisation that I’m stuck at home with a man who doesn’t give a shit about me and would rather ignore me in favour of his iPad.
With the exception of getting “in my face” to verbally attack me over asking a question he didn’t like, he’s never been violent so I feel a bit pathetic getting upset over him being stroppy. The lockdown and now current restrictions leave me feeling so isolated as I can’t even catch up with friends for a cuppa or a glass of wine in the evening. He’s just there 24/7

Can you zoom a friend from another room with a wine?
Use this time to plan your future and write your lists, sort your priorities.
Try to detach emotionally and respond as you would to a stranger.
Good luck 💐

@Weenurse thanks for your lovely message. I spoke to one of my friends on the phone and we had a good chat. She was the person that “opened my eyes” to the fact he wasn’t treating me well but she expects me to be able to up and leave immediately without taking into account the realities of it all. I’ll start making lists but can’t help but feel trapped particularly by the additional financial constraints that the pandemic has caused.