Told I'm being Judgemental

[Joanofcantbearsed]

Family member had a long term affair with OW. Left wife and kids to live with OW overseas. Has caused a lot of pain and anguish for wife and kids. For reasons I won't go into I still need to stay in contact with him but I have made it clear I don't want to become friends with the OW. He has behaved like a complete dick there is no getting away from that, he has done the damage and is going to have to live with the long term damage he has done to the kids. They are very angry with him but he just can't see their point of view and is in full victim mode (wife is evil, no one understands etc)..

But the OW is culpable in this too, she paid to fly to the country he lived in and stay in a hotel with him knowing his wife and kids were waiting at home. He is ultimately responsible for this but as she is a complete stranger to me I have no desire getting to know her given her behaviour. She keeps trying to be nice to me thinking that I'll just charmed into being friends with her and gives no thought whatsoever to the damage they have done.

He is now having a go at me saying I'm judgemental because I don't want to be friends with the OW and why can't I just see what a lovely person she is.

Well, your brother / family member can say what he likes, and you can ignore him!

Can understand why at this time you want minimal contact with his new partner, and this should be easy to do since they’re abroad. Just don’t accept social media friend requests/contact etc.

What kind of relationship would you like with your family member in the future?

Do you have any rel whatsoever with woman he cheated on?

No relationship with her. Tbh right now I'd like to go LC with him as well. He's so entrenched in the victim mode it's hard to listen to tbh.

Hmm...if you're still pally with him then I find it hypocritical tbh. Sorta double standards.

Either decide what happens between him and his wife is really none of your buisness and try to get along with him and his new partner. Or blank them both.

Because why would you want to make things awkward or imply that his behaviour is excusable (by talking to him) but not hers. He was the one who cheated. Maybe he lied to her too. Who knows.

I just dont get why you are making things more difficult for yourself tbh. You're over what they did or you aren't. Act accordingly.

If you can do low contact, go low contact.
And that’s that.

sorry misunderstood, yes I do have a relationship with his wife and kids. The kids are my priority right now not the self pitying bullshit this pair are spouting.

Disagree with bunnymummy: not “double standards” to want to maintain a relationship with (for example) a loved sibling, despite their misdeeds, but not to start a friendly relationship with their new partner, a stranger.

Agree that makes sense to go LC with your familu member and being frank that you’re finding his ‘cheater’s script’ tedious and don’t want to listen!

The kids are displaying trauma from their dad running off abroad with another woman, so yes it is my business Their mother is having a nervous breakdown due to all the gaslighting. So this 'it's non of your business' is wrong. Are you honestly saying you wouldn't be concerned if it was your family?

I would be happy to be called judgmental if it means i stand by ny principles. The victims here are his wife and poor kids - they need your support and loyalty.

No, if I knew my family member was gaslighting someone I'd have nothing further to do with them. Even if the person they were gaslighting had nothing to do with me. Rotten people should be cut out of our lives before their bile spreads to us.

For him to call you Judgmental is a compliment to you. I would say you are being a "Fierce Friend" to his wife and children. Too many people would try to placate both sides. Sometimes things are just Wrong and even being "in love" doesn't make it right.

Good grief then no brainer

Minimal context with him as you say you “must” and nothing with OW

Simple as that surely

Don’t blame you for not wanting to have a relationship with the OW; the blame does fall squarely on his shoulders but for me women don’t do to other women.

He is the one who has done wrong here, he is gaslighting his wife and kids, he is the one who cheated, he is the one who has chosen to live far away from them.

It is quite hypocritical to 'punish' her but not him.

Cut them both out. Stand by his wife and children.

Other woman is now his partner.
Wife is now ex wife.

Up to you if you want to be friends with her or not, but it will help everyone to move on if you start accepting their new roles.

You are not being judgmental, you actually have a moral compass, something that they are both lacking.

@Hayeahnobut

Other woman is now his partner. Wife is now ex wife.

Up to you if you want to be friends with her or not, but it will help everyone to move on if you start accepting their new roles.

Agree, and you don’t know what went on in thr marriage. Personally I’d not pass judgment here but remain equally polite to both.

Well I suppose he is right that you are being “judgmental” ... but it’s a load of bollocks though really isn’t it? I mean, so what? You’re entitled to have your own thoughts and opinions in your head, we all do, we all “judge”. I often find when people trot out this line it’s being used as a kind of get out of jail free card so they continue their shit behaviour without having to be held accountable for it. You really haven’t done anything wrong....

Is it your DB?

if they live overseas then how does the question of being her friend arise? She has no reason to contact you and quite obviously you don't want to contact her.

With you all the way OP. People who leave and break up families always find a way to be the victim and anyone who doesn't see that is wrong bla bla bla. No thought for those left behind!

You're right I don't know what went on in their marriage but whatever it was it didn't justify packing a bag in front of your kids as they sobbed, walking out the door and getting on a plane, leaving two traumatised kids who are demonstrating psychological distress that is palpable.

It makes his life a whole lot easier if you just accept his new set up. No wonder that's what he's angling for.
But you're under no obligation to accept anything you don't want to, so if you want to have nothing to do with her, or him, do it. It may actually irritate him more if you are civil to him and not her. A little silver lining.

I have to stay in contact with him as there are arrangements that need to be maintained. I will not go into details but its not as simple as never speaking to him again.

It's not your business really. What are you achieving by not talking to her or getting on your moral high horse?