Told I'm being Judgemental

[Joanofcantbearsed]

Family member had a long term affair with OW. Left wife and kids to live with OW overseas. Has caused a lot of pain and anguish for wife and kids. For reasons I won't go into I still need to stay in contact with him but I have made it clear I don't want to become friends with the OW. He has behaved like a complete dick there is no getting away from that, he has done the damage and is going to have to live with the long term damage he has done to the kids. They are very angry with him but he just can't see their point of view and is in full victim mode (wife is evil, no one understands etc)..

But the OW is culpable in this too, she paid to fly to the country he lived in and stay in a hotel with him knowing his wife and kids were waiting at home. He is ultimately responsible for this but as she is a complete stranger to me I have no desire getting to know her given her behaviour. She keeps trying to be nice to me thinking that I'll just charmed into being friends with her and gives no thought whatsoever to the damage they have done.

He is now having a go at me saying I'm judgemental because I don't want to be friends with the OW and why can't I just see what a lovely person she is.

I wouldn't care if a lowlife like him calls me judgemental.
Without knowing the reasons why you feel like you still need to be in contact with him makes it hard to advise - but I would continue as you are - make it clear you are not friends, you do not like him and the only reason you are even speaking to him is because of 'x'.
Have a few stock phrases for him
"I'll give your words some consideration, when you start to consider the damage you have done to your children"
"You seem to be mistaken that I care what you think"
"Maybe when you stop sweeping your mess under the carpet and actually tackle it, then it will be easier for you"
"Just because you tell everyone a new version of the past doesn't mean that everyone will believe it"
But mainly you need to 'grey rock' - just ignore him as much as possible, pretend he doesn't exist...

What am I achieving? Good question. Well I suppose I am refraining from telling her what I really think of the way the pair of them have behaved and how through their actions a young girl now has abandonment issues that require mental health support. That a happy Well adjusted girl is quiet and withdrawn and is demonstrating early signs of an eating disorder. Do you think I should tell her that?

If you think all that then you should say it all to them both, no point in holding onto anger

I have thought about it tbh. Suspect it will happen as I've been told I don't suffer fools gladly

The reality is he has already cheated on the OW through online hookups and she is currently none the wiser. So the sad thing is that all this pain has been caused for nothing really. It's not like its a great romance. Suspect it's an exit affair and he's using the OW as a crutch whilst everyone is angry with him. She's the only one telling him he's amazing.

@Shoxfordian

It's not your business really. What are you achieving by not talking to her or getting on your moral high horse?

How is the wellbeing of your family 'not your business' ?

OP isn't 'going out of her way' to do anything in fact it's the opposite, she's maintaining no relationship with a strange woman who she's disinterested in befriending.

Cultivating a friendship with this woman would require effort and she doesn't want to do that. It's passive disinterest.

I'd be telling him it's my choice who I choose to be friendly with, and for quite obvious reasons, I don't choose to become 'pals' with his current partner. However, I still have to deal with him for whatever reason, so I will continue to do so.