Living together with DP after separating is making me question...

[WTFdoIdo2020]

... if I'm doing the right thing.

DP and I agreed to separate after 20yrs together. We have 2 young DC (5 and 1) and are in the process of sorting out finances to allow us to have 2 homes. We are living in the same house still while we sort the details and expect to be until January.

Living together is fine, amicable, we are nice to each other, we work very well together as parents and really do split looking after the DC 50/50.

Due to lack of anyone nearby who can look after DC (family miles away, all friends nearby have young DC of their own) we had neglected our relationship since DC but as i said we are good on a day-to-day basis. For full disclose, the relationship broke down because I found out he's been doing hook-ups with other people over the last few months. He did cheat years ago but we got past it - but this time I know things won't change and he told me he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again . SO relationship is over but 20yrs together means we get on together and our day-to-day is fine.

anyway, with our current arrangement of not being a couple but living together as parents to our kids is making me wonder if i'm cutting off my nose to spite my (DCs) face - my relationship with DP was/is fine day-to-day, financially things will be much tighter if we live apart (although just about OK) and i'm already worrying how much DC will see xDP due to his shift patterns (it won't be a patch on what it is now).

not sure what my question is - maybe, should i sacrifice the 95% good for the 5% bad?? does separating and him moving out necessarily mean things will be better?? i certainly don't have the energy or inclination to be in a relationship with anyone else right now - so if that's off the radar right now, why not continue living together as parents to the DC if not as partners?? my head is a mess!

How did it make you feel when you found out about the latest infidelity? We’re you really upset or indifferent as your feelings have changed?

If you still have some feelings then it won’t work. You have to literally have none for this to work and even then it might not.

The relationship would have to be opened up so that both of you are free to see other people with rules put in place. I have seen this work but the person I know who had this stuff up for years had zero emotional feelings for her DH. They didn’t eventually split up though when the kids were older. (Kids were doing exams etc when they decided on this arrangement)

Personally I think your kids are too young for this to work for the next 15/20 years and it is better to part when kids are young than when they are older.

Set up not stuff up!

He does hook ups? You mean he meets random women for sex? No, I certainly couldn't live with somone like that and he'll likely leave you sooner or later anyway. I wouldn't respect them and there's always the risk you might be drawn into trying to repair the relationship and catch a nasty STD.

Is it possible that being with him has eroded your boundaries? How many multiple women is he seeing and how often? The only way I think this would "work" is if it was one woman who definately wasn't going to want him long term eg married or much youbger/okder/different background

I can't think for the next 15-20yrs, i don't have an end-date in mind just that i feel like i'm giving up so much that works, just for the romantic relationship part of me which to be honest has been on the back burner for a few years anyway.

when i found out, i felt sick. Our sex life hasn't been great for a while but everything else has been so good i just put it down to the young-child drought so many couples have, and i was looking forward to us spending more time together as the kids get a bit older. so in all of this, i feel like my whole future has been ripped away as well.

@greenlandthemovie yes, that's what he's been doing.

i don't know how many women - but definitely more than one. i am confident he wouldn't leave of his own accord - it's only because i found out and instigated it. so i think he basically wants a 'no questions' relationship with me which i said i'm not happy with.

it's possible my boundaries have been eroded - we have basically spent most of our adult lives together. our relationship has 'survived' gay porn, him seeing someone else, and now me questioning this situation. god i'm a mug aren't i?!

Based on these latest updates then no it won’t work. You need to bring it to an end and you will look back in years to come and realise it was the best thing you ever did for your mental health.

Ugh, no he's disgusting. You've just got used to adjusting your boundaries lower each time. And he won't stop pushing his own boundaries (especially if there's no consequences for him). I couldn't live my life like that, I would get me down so much.

Most men are not like that. Escape now while you can!

And men like him aren't loyal. He would have no qualms about look waving you if he got a better offer. He is seeking out constant thrills and wants to live in a continual state of flux, he cannot ahd never will provide you with security, no matter how much you try to protect it.

He's an embarrassment too. Sooner or later someone you know is going to find out about his exploits.

It won't work in the long run. You're having doubts because change is scary and this is someone you love. But he seems to have done a lot to hurt you. That's not fair on you. 20 years is a long time. It must be unnerving to lose that partnership. However he's do some very mean things to you. My opinion is that he should move out. Take care of yourself.

I mean this kindly op, but yes you're being a mug.

He's made it VERY clear that he won't stop banging other people. "I can't guarantee it won't happen" = "I can guarantee it will happen."

I think after 20 years most people would find it very difficult to share a house with someone they still loved, and watch them going out on dates, potentially bringing people back to the house, starting a new relationship and introducing dc to them...

I think for your DCs sake, get out now while it's still friendly and you can have a healthy co-parenting relationship with the DCs needs front and centre. You are both then free to pursue whatever you want without the other getting hurt.

Good luck OP, I know it's hard 🌸

I think it entirely depends on how it makes you feel. I remember one of the kids on Child of our Time had parents who separated but lived together to co-parent, once one of them came out as gay. They managed to get through it even when once of them got into another relationship. Would you be looking to 'just' co-parent, or to stay as a couple and overlook his infidelity?

I can see it working if you are great friends, work well together in every other way, are respectful to each other, and he is discrete about any other women in his life and vice versa. You'd need to be capable of having a really mature conversation about it, particularly how it would work if one of you got a long-term partner. Alternatively if you are considering just staying together, you need to accept he won't be faithful - some women are able to turn a blind eye and accept this. I don't think I could, but it doesn't make you weak or feeble if you are genuinely comfortable doing this. It doesn't sound like you are though.

@vodkatonic8 god, i hope you're right. at the moment it feels like i'm throwing out everything i know and i'm not sure there will be much benefit

I don’t think you are a mug, OP.
But I also don’t think it’s possible to have just one sexual partner for most of our adult lives.

I have a couple of friends who met as teenagers and are still together in their 40s. They all had gone through infidelities and the only reason they ended up staying together is because they opened up their relationships. And it seems that originally it wasn’t easy but it seems to be working.

In your place - with kids this young and all the economic uncertainty of the pandemic - I’d not make any decisions now.
The coparenting works for now, which is great. You don’t have to decide just now if you want it to be an open relationship - you can wait and see how it goes.
I presume he is still dating/seeing others and you don’t have a physical relationship.
And if this is how you’d prefer it - you can stay that way for a while longer.
Or, maybe, you will get to a point when you realise that you may want to try a new kind of relationship.
Point is - you can chose at any time.

Totally agree with the above poster. No need to to make any decisions now, if you feel it’s working like it is. You can always reassess at a later date.

The only risk really is him meeting up with people during this lockdown, and putting your health at risk.

thanks all, i'm in tears now. I know i don't want a relationship with him, something clicked this time that i can't get past this.

it's the co-parenting thing i'm thinking of. but @EvenMoreFuriousVexation this I think for your DCs sake, get out now while it's still friendly and you can have a healthy co-parenting relationship with the DCs needs front and centre is what i need to bear in mind.

@Derbee there is no way i'm going anywhere near him (sexually) ever again!

@MMmomDD thanks - i feel like if i don't do something now, then nothing will change and in 10yrs i'll regret not ripping of the plaster now. but the thought of it all makes me feel sick.

i said i still want us to do the occasional 'family day out' for the kids. is that wierd?

@WTFdoido2029 my husband and I split nearly 4 years ago, we've been married 20 odd years, we co parent very well, he has an office at my house at the moment and works there, the kids live with me all the time, while I have gone back to work full time, we have five children between 10 and 18 and we get on great, but I have a new relationship of two years, he has had two short relationships in that time, we are very good friends but I our romantic relationship has been over a long time, getting on for the sake of the kids, he's a great guy, he's a lot older than me so I'm not sure if that makes a difference, he still cares about me even if he doesn't agree with some of the choices I've made

It’s not weird because it feels right at the moment. However I found that this close link fades as time goes on. I am divorced and in the first few months after splitting we did this. However it does become less and less important as time goes on. Love fades. I am still in contact with my ex 20 years later as we share a child who is now an adult and we get on fine as friends. It is however many years since we have done anything jointly although we did do parents evenings together, sports days, 18th birthday meal with both our new spouses there. If there is a friendship there then that can remain. However you can’t carry on being treated like this when you still have feelings of a kind. It won’t work and you will grow to hate him even more. Split now whilst there is still a relationship of sorts before it becomes untenable and hatred grows.

Everyone feels sick when they are about to change their lives. That is completely normal. It’s a tough period for a few months and even years after but it does get better and your life will get better. Kids don’t take splits well in their teens so you could limp along for 10 years and then cause them even greater pain than you would now. Your youngest won’t even understand and the eldest will adapt. If he is out of sight he is out of mind so you don’t have to think about who he might be shagging or what he is doing. If he is under your roof you will be tormented.

@WTFdoIdo2020 I didn’t mean sexually! Just that if he’s out meeting people for sex, you’re at risk of Covid as he’s not social bubbling responsibly

@MissSmiley @Vodkatonic8 thank you so much for your last posts - they made me smile in that that's where i would really like us to end up. Friendly, amicable, doing the best for the DC, but actually having our own lives.

You've given me a much needed view of the light at the end of the tunnel!

In all of this I've never doubted that i want our relationship to end, i've just worried about the DC who currently have a perfect relationship with him, and also (selfishly) having to take on a bigger share of the shit-work (night-wakings, school runs etc). But i will try to stay focussed on the bigger picture now. Thank you

@derbee i see - i'd (momentarily!) forgotten about Covid

You’ve had some good advice from people who have had their own experiences. I hope it all works out, I’m sure it will. Good luck with everything.

I get where you're coming from, and if you're anything like me you've spent a fair amount of that time propping him up, and perhaps this feeling is an extension of that.

My DH has messed up (camming) and it's a pretty big issue and we've just separate over it after 4 months of working through it.

What I noticed about how I was thinking, is that as well as trying to work out what was best for the DC, I was also thinking about him, our families and basically putting everyone else's thoughts and feelings in front of my own.

I feel very responsible for breaking up the family, but it's not me that's done it! Yes, I had the bigger set of bollocks when I came to ripping the band aid off, but I wouldn't have been doing that had he not behaved the way he had.

So my point is, take the time to figure out if maybe that's also at play here, that in your role in the family, you feel that you need to keep harmony and prop everyone up. Protect him from the reality of what he's done etc.

We're under one roof at the moment due to logistics, I honestly can't wait to have my own space, make my own decisions about the house etc.

It’s very tempting when children are young to feel like staying together and giving them a stable home is worth sacrificing yourself for BUT the long term impact on the of embedding unhealthy messages about relationships is huge. I think this type of dynamic can only work when it is very open and honest - not two unhappy people turning a blind eye to things and pretending everything is fine. Yes, parents separating is upsetting for children but if you can do it in an amicable way which it sounds like you can, long term they will be better off.

@Febo24 sounds like you've made a tough decision but are happy to now be pushing on with things. i wish you all the best for the next few months!

your story does ring bells for me, about wanting to protect the DC, about what his family will say when (if) they find out what he's done, what my family will say (some of whom have never really clicked with him and i dread to think of any gloating either to my face or behind my back).

@Iyiyi you've hit the nail on the head about what it would be like for us - even if we agreed we weren't in a relationship, just co-habiting parents. i'd always feel he 'should' have been 'mine' because we'd been through so much together but you're right about the resentment etc.

for everyone who has been in a similar situation - seems there are a few!