Positive story - thank you Mumsnet!

[RosieJam123]

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of the lovely mumsnetters offering advice over the last couple of years, and I would also like to offer some heart felt advice to anyone struggling at the moment.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years which I finally left 2 years ago now with my then 3yr old DD. We left one evening and went to live with my mum and dad for a year before we managed to get our own place. When I left I felt a huge sense of relief but also panic at the same time.

My self esteem was so shattered that I didnt recognise who I was, I was so embarrassed to seek any help (financially - in terms of benefits) as I was such a proud person. I hid the fact that I had left the relationship because I thought if people knew I was a single mum I would have the 'single mother on benefits' stigma attached to me.

My 3 year old was constantly crying for her dad, he was making me feel constantly guilty for leaving, I felt tremendous guilt for breaking up a family. I spoke to family and friends but one of my main sources of advice every night would be mumsnet, I would post and constantly refresh my phone waiting for the advice from posters!

The advice and support was so overwhelming that I started to recognise my self worth and make decisions.

During this time I decided to work on myself I read countless self development books, I watched motivational videos on youtube! I worked on writing gratitude lists every day, raising my self esteem, raising my confidence etc.

As a single mum I thought my life would be financially, mentally and emotionally tough and i was scared for the future. I am sure there are a lot of you in similar positions now, but believe me when I say leaving an abusive relationship will be the making of you.

2 years on and I have a gorgeous home that myself and my 5 yr old DD live in, I am 2 years into my PhD, tomorrow I am about to start my new job - part time lecturing at my university. Before covid hit I had been invited to attend an international conference to present my PhD research.

I have recently ended a relationship as I seen way too many red flags (with the help of mumsnet again) and I am working 100% on my self development!

From that broken young woman I was 2 years ago, going back to my bedroom at my parents house to how far I have come I am so incredibly proud! And you can be too!

This post is not designed to boast, I am not boastful in the slightest but i want to tell you all that you can achieve anything you dream about, if you ditch that unhealthy relationship and focus on yourself, your children and your goals!

Thank you mumsnet because without your daily support, advice and hand holding I wouldn't be where I am today. If this helps one person I will be very happy.

That's amazing Rosie congratulations on being brave enough to leave, all your hard work and everything you've achieved.

MN has helped me immeasurably over the years, I too have left a terrible relationship and re-built my self esteem with the help of this site.
I'm dating again now and am constantly reading MN to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again.

I also recommend (as recommended on here) 'The Baggage Reclaim' podcast which is great for helping identify red flags and damaging patterns of behaviour.

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’m sure many people who are in a similar situation to you before will take heart and inspiration from your post.

Congratulations on your new job and good luck for your first day.

So delighted for you, and you should be very proud of yourself x

Yes alm23x, very very jealous and possessive, always accusing me of stuff. It was your list earlier of the "little" things he did that really resonated with me, in fact if I hadn't known it was a recent post I could have easily believed I'd written it myself! I was going to comment on your thread but you were already getting loads of support and advice, and I don't think you're ready just yet to immediately leave so my story of eventual freedom wouldn't have been particularly helpful. Don't worry, everyone on the outside can see it clear as day which is why they advocate LTB asap but we all know it's easier said than done, it took me about 2 years to finally accept that I deserved better and to fully leave. You'll get there. Honestly, I cannot accurately describe how truly calm my life is now, it's a peacefulness that I don't think I'll ever trade anything for. And that's with 4 kids too! So calm and free, there's just zero anger, no tense atmosphere, no sulky mood that you can feel in the air. Blissful. I really hope you get to feel this soon too.

Ahh lovely! It's easy to underestimate how hard it is to leave a situation like that.

Well done OP, glad to hear you're doing well now!

Congratulations on all your achievements. So lovely to hear a happy story.

@RosieJam123 What a fantastic post. Well done for taking your & your child's life in such a positive direction.

All the very best with the PhD. The two things I'm most proud of in my life are my doctorate & the two children that I am a single parent to. Come back & tell us when you pass that viva!

Hello op
Just wondering how old you are. Im mid 30s and in a similar situation to where you were.
I have no job and my finances are shot, due to my relationship.
Is it too late for me? I feel like it is.

@toddlersareirrational I don't know why but I keep getting emotional - did you go through a stage like that in the build up to you leaving? Just reading your reply set me off again and I'm not even sure why?! Maybe it's the feeling of being "seen" and "understood". I've never been around people who have been through it and truly understand. Don't you think the "little" things they do (or did, in your case) are the hardest, because they slot into every day life un noticed and before you know it you've allowed it to become normal. The peace and calmess you describe is my end goal. X

Definitely alm23x, it's because the more subtle things do become normal, they can be easily explained away or forgotten about once he starts being nice again. I used to joke with my friends about the fact I wasn't "allowed" out because it was just normal to me. On the rare occasion I did go anywhere alone I'd be harassed by message the whole time and interrogated when I got home and again the next day. He never once even asked if I'd had a nice time! But to me that was just what I expected because it had become such an ingrained part of our relationship. I got the exact same feeling of dread and anxiety when I read your thread earlier, was so weird but I just wanted to yell "run, run now!". Yes, the emotions will hit you randomly for a while, you're starting to realise how bad it is and once you see it you notice it every single time, it makes you remember things from a different perspective too. Also, I don't know how you deal with it all obviously, but when ex was in one of his sulks/tantrums/rants/whatever I'd completely detach emotionally like it was happening to someone else, so then when he was gone (as yours is, working away?) the emotions could finally come out. It's a really tough process to go through but so worth it. You mentioned on your thread that when he left for work you felt immediate relief and calm, that's how my life feels now, and it's how your life will feel all the time once you leave him.

Wow, that turned into an essay, sorry! Also sorry to derail your thread OP.

Anyone who thinks this would be boasting needs therapy in my opinion.

Well done!! Fab to hear!!

@Toddlersareirrational dont be sorry! This post is here to help, and I hope its helping you tonight getting things off your chest?

Welldone OP and what a good thread. MN has helped keep me sane for the last 15 years. Having 2DCs, molar pregnancy, cheated on by narcissistic exH, DS with learning differences, divorced before 40. MN has been reliable support!

How wonderful.

The posters on here can be so wonderful. Years ago when there were apparently less posters, and people really seemed to know who each other was I was surprised by a ring at the door. I opened it to a beautiful bunch of flowers which had been sent by some posters clubbing together as I was having a tough time. Ten minutes later the door went again and it was a delivery of the biggest box of chocolates, bars, bags, buttons, I have ever seen and again was from generous mumsnetters. I was thinking about it only today and so wish I could remember all the names of those who were so kind and giving.

If it was you, I remember and still cherish the moments and are very touched.

Good luck to everyone who is getting out of a bad situation.

@SoxN Ive just turned 31, I was 29 when I left.
Of course it is not too late for you, you are still young! Please dont put an age on when you think things 'should' be done, we are all designed to move at our own pace.

It is all down to your mindset and most of all you need to believe in yourself. This is just a season in your life, what you are experiencing in your life, does not define you or does not define your life. I think sometimes we need to take an event such as a relationship breakdown to figure out what we want from life. Do you know what type of job you would like?

@SunshineCake aww that was so lovely to know that these posters do have your back and genuinely invest their time into helping others :) glad your in a much happier place

Well done op! Mumsnet shouldl be bottled and added to the water supply!
It's helped me a lot too, nothing as dramatic as many of you, but just connecting the dots in life from childhood to adulthood and realising some things are not ok and others are, and just having the confidence to know not everything is your own problem.
Hope everyone is well.. John

What a lovely post. Inspiring. You should be incredibly proud of what you’re achieved.

Brilliant

So many fab people on here

They helped me many many times

Delighted to hear your lovely news

Well done you, I'm so pleased to hear how well you are doing now!

Well done on getting out and making a great new life!

This place has helped me in so many ways.

Very well done OP!

Mumsnet helped me leave an EA relationship too. I’m not sure I’d have done it otherwise.

What a wonderful post, really put a smile on my face! Good for you OP that's amazing. Keep being you, your child is lucky to have such a loving supportive and dam strong QUEEN of a mum! Xx

Some of the most important things I have learnt about relationships I have learnt from mumsnet. It is an amazing community
Even on posts that I’m a bit dubious about whether they are genuine I’m generally happy to post because even if the Op is a troll I hope the advice and perspective I give might help someone reading it

This is so lovely to hear. Best wishes for the new job and a life of success peace and tranquility