I don't know what to do

[UndertheCedartree]

NCd

A stressful situation happened last night. My DP's nephew had self-harmed and myself and DP went over to support him for an hour. DP was very stressed out. On the way in the car he screamed at me and called me names. When we got home we got into an argument. He screamed in my face I was a cunt. Opened the front door and screamed everyone was a cunt. He threw my Echo show across the room. Grabbed the phone off me and hit me with it. He held me down and screamed at me. I have 2 DC who were in bed and were frightened by the shouting.

I don't know what to do. I'm in a very vulnerable situation right now. I have EUPD which I'm getting little support for right now due to Covid. I also had Covid in April and have just been diagnosed with Long Covid (minor heart problem causing nausea/dizziness) and Post-Covid fatigue. I am exhausted almost all the time and sleep for hours on the sofa during the day. I can't cope alone. But I hate how he treated me even though it was a stressful situation. What would you do?

@GeorgiaGirl52 - tbh up until this point my DP hasn't caused me any stress so him not being here hasn't suddenly made my EUPD, Autism, Long Covid, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, muscle and joint pain any better! It's been horrible and painful and bloody exhausting and I am dreading next week. My teen is a sweetheart and helps me a lot - no rewards necessary but yes he is under 18 so still a child and deserves a childhood not having to do housework and childcare all the time. And as I've said I'm fully aware SS are not the enemy! Not had much joy so far....I think our case has been closed.

@famousforwrongreason - I find it hard constantly to be honest. When you say you are resourceful - what do you mean? How do you actually manage physically/mentally?

[quote UndertheCedartree]@famousforwrongreason - I find it hard constantly to be honest. When you say you are resourceful - what do you mean? How do you actually manage physically/mentally?[/quote]
I use my little dla payments to fund a cleaner. I outsource the bulk of my laundry. I do most of my shopping online. I teach my children how to do basic cooking like pizza in the oven.
I make sure that we have plenty of ready meals for the days I have no energy to cook
I am having therapy via NHS which really helps for offloading.
I am getting better at asking for help when needed.
I speak to the school and access any support I can.
I make sure to have days and times when I do absolutely fuck all like when the kids are in school on my days off.
I choose my battles with the kids.
I let go of some of my standards. For me, the house and the kids.
I never iron.
You might have an impression of social services which is a fair one but they do offer an enabling service to which you can self refer.

It's not like social workers, it's a person who comes to your house regularly and supports you to get shit done and help you plan how to ease some of the daily burden. They also have really good access to reliable local services and can help you to build a network of people and businesses to help you in the long-term.

I spent a chunk of savings on a professional declutterer who helped me to reorganize my space which has meant that even though it still gets chaotic it's much easier to tidy up.
I pay my kids hard cash for household chores.
I don't give pocket money but if they want something special I often get them to work for it.
Worth its weight in gold as they get so much joy from earning the money to get what they want.

We review our day and do gratitude exercises.
We take time out to dance and be stupid. We watch films together on the days I have no energy to take them out.

I'm sure there's more but this is the main bulk.

Should add, it's not always easy and sometimes I despair. But I'm doing it. I'm managing. The kids are well and healthy. I'm sometimes lonely but I'm free in so many ways.

@famousforwrongreason - thanks so much for that. Really helpful.

It's a bit of a long story but basically I had a mental breakdown 3 years ago and had to claim benefits. My benefits are still not sorted (still not got help with my mortgage) so although I get PIP I have to use it to cover my mortgage. It is a good amount I get so if I was getting help with my mortgage I could definitely get a cleaner/gardener/help with laundrey. I should also get a back payment of PIP at one point which I could possibly use for help decluttering (although I want to save most as my DS needs his own room so I want to get a loft conversion).

I usually do a shop once a month at Lidl/Aldi and the rest online. My DS is good at cooking - I could probably get him to do a little more. We always have easy things in the freezer/ things to have on toast. I am waiting for therapy in the community - I have already done DBT as an inpatient but they want me to do it in the community but who knows when that might be. Then they will look at trauma therapy - this is what I really need! The DC's social worker refered us to Early help but they didn't accept us as they felt I already had enough things in place. The trouble is everything I have in place equals nothing due to Covid! I did have a volunteer helping me prior to Covid but they have closed to us as I'm 'doing so well' - how would they know as I don't see anyone!!

Have you got a local carers count ? They can help to make sure you're getting all the support / money you should be getting.

Well done OP. You are doing well under tough circumstances. I'll say this though: your kids would rather do more housework than have an abusive stepfather.

More housework vs living with a violent man = every child in the world would take housework 1000%

Robbing them of a childhood is robbing them of a place of safety and comfort. An unstable violent man who can snap at any time is robbing them of a childhood much more.

13 and 8 = don't let him apologize. just get him out.

@notapizzaeater - I'm already getting help with my benefits but it has been a horrible 3 years and counting slog.

@hereyehearye - yes, that's true, of course. I know he was abusive to me but it was so out of character I kind of keep forgetting about it. Then remembering and my heart sinks. He's not here. He has told me he has made an appointment with his psychiatrist. My 8 year old has asked for him this weekend. I just told her he was his nephew for a while. I've checked in with them that
they're ok but not had a big talk to them about what's going on.

[quote UndertheCedartree]@famousforwrongreason - thanks so much for that. Really helpful.

It's a bit of a long story but basically I had a mental breakdown 3 years ago and had to claim benefits. My benefits are still not sorted (still not got help with my mortgage) so although I get PIP I have to use it to cover my mortgage. It is a good amount I get so if I was getting help with my mortgage I could definitely get a cleaner/gardener/help with laundrey. I should also get a back payment of PIP at one point which I could possibly use for help decluttering (although I want to save most as my DS needs his own room so I want to get a loft conversion).

I usually do a shop once a month at Lidl/Aldi and the rest online. My DS is good at cooking - I could probably get him to do a little more. We always have easy things in the freezer/ things to have on toast. I am waiting for therapy in the community - I have already done DBT as an inpatient but they want me to do it in the community but who knows when that might be. Then they will look at trauma therapy - this is what I really need! The DC's social worker refered us to Early help but they didn't accept us as they felt I already had enough things in place. The trouble is everything I have in place equals nothing due to Covid! I did have a volunteer helping me prior to Covid but they have closed to us as I'm 'doing so well' - how would they know as I don't see anyone!![/quote]
Yeah that happened to me being 'closed' suspended duue to covid and then closed due to doing well (I was having an actual breakdown)
Sending you huge hugs and sorry it's so hard right now. Sometimes it takes a lot of fighting too get the support you need. Have you got social media? There's loads of community groups set up to help and I'm sure if you find the right people you could even get a few things done for free .
I am hugely sympathetic ref the mortgage, I'm on my own with a mortgage took, v poor health at times but hold on to working as can't imagine trying to keep a house on benefits.
Wishing you a big break xx

Thank you so much @famousforwrongreason

[quote UndertheCedartree]@PiperPiper20 - I could but the problem is getting the support I need for my mental health and the Long Covid/Post-Covid fatigue. He does a lot - school run, housework, cooking, putting in prescription requests, picking up meds, helping me manage my meds/manage my personality disorder.[/quote]
School run - you'll have to do it. Or the older one can help - if you contact the school, they'll also be able to access support for managing it.

Housework - get a cleaner.

Cooking - buy ding dinners and quick things.

Prescription requests - do them online.

Picking up meds - order them online for delivery.

Manage your meds - gonna have to do that one for yourself.

Personality disorder - that's your job, but you can get some support via the GP. As can your children as Young Carers.

They're more likely to be taken into care if you keep a violent man near them.

Your kids sound brilliant. You must get away from him, they deserve that.

Surely this behaviour has not completely come out of the blue ?
There is no coming back from this
If you stay with him you are telling him it's ok to do this to you every time he is stressed out