I don't know what to do

[UndertheCedartree]

NCd

A stressful situation happened last night. My DP's nephew had self-harmed and myself and DP went over to support him for an hour. DP was very stressed out. On the way in the car he screamed at me and called me names. When we got home we got into an argument. He screamed in my face I was a cunt. Opened the front door and screamed everyone was a cunt. He threw my Echo show across the room. Grabbed the phone off me and hit me with it. He held me down and screamed at me. I have 2 DC who were in bed and were frightened by the shouting.

I don't know what to do. I'm in a very vulnerable situation right now. I have EUPD which I'm getting little support for right now due to Covid. I also had Covid in April and have just been diagnosed with Long Covid (minor heart problem causing nausea/dizziness) and Post-Covid fatigue. I am exhausted almost all the time and sleep for hours on the sofa during the day. I can't cope alone. But I hate how he treated me even though it was a stressful situation. What would you do?

If it's your house why can't you tell him to leave?

@PiperPiper20 - I could but the problem is getting the support I need for my mental health and the Long Covid/Post-Covid fatigue. He does a lot - school run, housework, cooking, putting in prescription requests, picking up meds, helping me manage my meds/manage my personality disorder.

Ah I see. Do you have anyone close to you that you could ask to move in for the rest of lockdown?

Do you have PIP to help?

I was going to say the same as 2bazookas. It sounds as if your nephews selfharming really triggered him.

Im not going to shout LTB, because it sounds like you really need his support in the short-term at least. Dont go back to your nephew together - does he have parents or other family who could step up and support him?

You and your DP need to support each other first.

I would contact Women's Aid.

It is your home, he sounds too unpredictable to have arround your children.
Chuck him out.

Get a lodger/carer/live in help that could help with the children.

@PiperPiper20 - I don't have anyone that could move in but yes, I get PIP. I have to use it to pay the interest on my mortgage so not much left, though.

@funnylittlefloozie - it does sound most likely. It doesn't excuse it but I think that could be the reason. It is my DP's nephew. He doesn't have much support as unfortunately his mum commited suicide.

@Onthedunes - I don't have a spare room nor the money to pay someone to help. I could maybe stretch to a cleaner which would help, though.

I would separate from him. I imagine your very anxious. I have BPD traits and it's so much better when there's less stress in your life. xxx

There was no reason for him to take anything out on you.

I think I would be able to think clearer if there was more support for my mental health.

If you say you need to see them then they will see you, you just have to keep saying that you need to. I know, I've spent 20 years in the system. With COVID they are seeing people when needed after a phone triage.

If they're not helping you then please apply to change teams when that option is available. I had an awful team and now have a really good team.

I'm not able to properly look after the DC on my own.

I'm sure you can do it. When I was with my ex I thought I had serious issues. Of course I do have issues sometimes (I have Bipolar, ADHD, Autistic traits, BPD traits) but I'm not half as bad as I thought I was when I was with him. Having the best year of my life. Your partner will be making you more anxious, insecure, overwhelmed etc than you would feel without him. Remember you don't have to be a perfect parent, just a good enough one.

I'm pretty sure he is not helping you manage your BPD, he's making it worse. But if you're anything like me you can't realize it while you're in it.

You will be eligible for some benefits I imagine, then the interest on your mortgage will be covered and you can use your PIP on stuff to help you.

I use(d) my PIP to pay for therapy, and at the moment am seeing the NHS psychologist via video (which I find works really well.)

Once years ago I had anaemia, so was knackered. Yes, a cleaner really helped.

He hit you and pinned you down. That's inexcusable. What will he do next time he's stressed? This situation doesn't sound safe for you.

How old are your kids, can they walk to school with a friend? Could a neighbour collect prescriptions for you? Would your ex help with school runs?

You can get the pharmacy to manage your prescriptions. They order and deliver mine because I have trouble organizing it.

@Interestedwoman - I can only talk to OT/Care co over the phone - no face to face or home visits. I am struggling physically to look after the DC because of Long Covid/Post-Covid fatigue. Yes, my mental health can make it hard sometimes but it is the physical illness I am struggling with.

@HotPenguin - I think this was an extreme situation to be honest. He doesn't normally act like that when stressed. My youngest is 8 so needs to be taken to school. Her dad picks her up twice a week. I have no neighbour to help.

@interestedwoman - unfortunately my GP don't allow the pharmacy to order which is a real pain. They also can't do a dosset box which makes it all very hard to manage.

I agree with interested. His unpredictability and the fact you now will be worrying if he's going to attack you again will only make your mental health worse. How old are DC? Can they take a bit more responsibility for themselves and take the burden off you? Or can you make a prioritised list and only do the most important things?

He needs to go, you can't live with that

Call SS and ask for help and guidance around care for DC immediately!

Also the police! You and the child need to be supported through this

I understand that you are in a vulnerable position mentally and physically right now but so are your children.

He may have been triggered last night by the situation and while this may partly explain his extreme reaction resulting in physical abuse towards you it certainly does not excuse it in any way.

End the relationship, Phone the police and report the assault, phone social services and actively engage with them and ask for support, get in touch with your GP to access support for your mental health. Phone women's aid for support. Get in touch with CAB to see if you could access financial support such as PIP.

If your children report this in school then the school has a duty of care to report this. If this happens then social services may want to know why you did not report this. I'm sure that you wouldn't but please do not allow your partner to ask the children to keep it a secret as this is very emotionally damaging.

If you voluntarily ask for help then hopefully you can access support with helping to care for the children while you recover.

Give the children to their father! If you can't look after them, let him do it! Please, they are better off with him than being in a house with a violent abuser. And your boyfriend is violent and abusive.

Please! Being a good mum isn't about keeping your kids by your side at all costs, it's about loving them enough to put their needs first. You'd be a better mum to let your kids go to their father.

You owe it to your children to remove them from this man ASAP. And also to yourself. There’s always a solution, many solutions, but none involve staying with him.

@QuentinWinters - my DC are 8 and 13. The teen takes his DS to school occasionally. I could speak to him about doing it regularly one day a week or something. I don't want to put to much on him. He already does his own laundrey, empties the dishwasher and is supposed to keep his rolm tidy - not so great on that one! I think I could talk to him and come up with a plan. And yes a prioritised list would be good. I'm not quite sure where to start with it all - probably because I'm so tired.

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls - yes, I agree it doesn't excuse it. I can speak to SS we still have a SW although she was in the process of closing the case not sure if this has happened yet. I already get PIP and am under community mental health services but there is little support right now because of Covid. And no he wouldn't ask them to keep it a secret. He is very ashamed of himself right now but no he wouldn't do this. Thank you for your support I am going to text the DC's SW now.

@hereyehearye - I absolutely would do that if I could. Unfortunately their dad lives with his mum and the DC can't go over there let alone stay (their grandmothers' choice). He also has his own mental health issues that aren't great right now. My partner has done all the housework and took my DD to school so I could have a lie in but is now staying away for a few days while I figure out what to do. Sadly my DC are very close to him and he has always been very good with them. My exDH (children's dad) also abused me due to his mental health. Aside from that he has always been a good dad. My poor DC

Sadly my DC are very close to him and he has always been very good with them

Has he told them why he was abusing and assaulting you? How did he explain that to them?? I’d say that they must be terrified of him.

please god I am begging you on my knees, call social services. Go through the school. Social services are not the devil. They can help you.

Social services is the opposite of all your relationships. Your relationships start good, right? You feel understood, not judged, loved and eventually they become abusive and dysfunctional. Well, social services often starts off with people feeling judged and not understood. But they have the tools and the support to help you save yourself and your children. You've gotten good support for your mental health. They can provide other kinds of support to help you in other ways.

Your children are definitely suffering but you can still do right by them. You can still break the cycle and provide them enough stability to flourish. I am so impressed that you are even on mumsnet acknowledging this abuse isn't right. Despite suffering you are still thinking of your children and putting them first. Don't let shame rob you of a better life. Reach out and get help.

@nimbuscloud - they weren't witness to what happened but heard shouting. My youngest seems fine but my eldest witnessed his dad abusing me so I think the shouting particularly frightened him. My DP wants to apologise to the DC but I've not let him at least yet as I think we all just need some space from him.

@hereyehearye - I have already said I have contacted the DC's SW. I'm fully aware they are not the devil - their SW is lovely. Thanks for your advice. As for relationships I've only had 2. My relationship with my exDH was good until he became mentally ill when it became awful. My relationship with my DP has been good up to this point.

Right, here are the things that you say DP helped with:

school run, housework, cooking, putting in prescription requests, picking up meds, helping me manage my meds/manage my personality disorder.

Can you get old DS to do school drop off Tuesday/Thursday so you can lie in? Put DD clothes and breakfast things out night before

Look into home delivery for the meds- your pharmacy might offer it. And get a daily pill dispenser to help

Meal plan and plan some easy ones that can be cooked when you arehaving a bad day.

Maybe make sure the kids have a cooked lunch at school once or twice a week and a snack tea with you (if that's possible with covid)

You can do this! Baby steps....

@QuentinWinters - thank you for the practical advice - really helpful. I am going to speak to DS about taking his DS to school. I will ask about home delivery. I do have a weeks meds box which is really helpful if I fill it as I can see what I've taken and if I've missed anything. But I've just not had the motivation to fill it recently. I'm on multiple medications 4 times a day and this is something I really struggle with. My memory is awful and I often can't remember if I've taken my meds or not. Meal planning is a good idea. My DD has school lunch 3×week. DS doesn't but he is able to make himself something so may ask him to do that a couple of times a week. He is really good and often makes a meal once a week for us all - and it is always so delicious!

Thank you to everyone that has replied. The support and advice is helping me so much.

Can you ask DD to help you fill the box? Sounds like the kind of job 8 year olds like to do and you can have some fun doing it with her

I think they will be wanting to help you so get them on board with it. DS in particular must be worried

Go to the pharmacy & fill out a form
You should be able to get free deliverys for repeat prescriptions.
If you can't get there phone them

Removing your DP from your home may well reduce your stress and help you feel better.
Make a list of what NEEDS to be done and a list of what can be SKIPPED for the moment.
Example: Clean clothes for school - needed.
School clothes ironed and shoes polished - skip.
Healthy meals - needed.
Home cooked from scratch - skip. Buy ready-made or cheap takeaway.
Give your DS more responsibility. At 13 he is not a child. Talk to him and explain that you need him to step up while you are ill. Reward him with a later bedtime, increased screentime, larger allowance, whatever his interests are.
Finally, listen to hereyehearye and contact social services. There are people who can help you get the services and the protection you need, if you just ask for it. Social services is not your enemy.

You can look after your kids on your own. I have no family, mental and physical health issues and no car.
It works. I'm resourceful.
It can be hard but a darn sight easier than sacrificing myself and kids on the alter of fear, pain and misery.
It is hard at times but you owe it to yourself and your children