Is this a passive aggressive dig or not?

[HarleyQuinn33]

Background: my mother and I have had a very strained relationship this year. She has always been very controlling but this year I had a baby. My first. When I was pregnant and told her so, she gave me a short lecture on how hard parenting was and that she doubted my parenting ability as she believes I am too sensitive. She then went and got lots of baby stuff without telling me, buggy, changing mat, clothes. All second hand and of mixed quality. I asked her to let me know and check with me if she was going to get more things and to not buy any more because I had things from my in laws and had got things already.

Today: she texted me 'do you want me to make your birthday cake, normally I would but I have to put brakes on now to check everything'. I pointed out that it sounded passive aggressive and now she says I hate her, am hostile and she is threatening to cut ties.

Am I being dense here or was that a subtle dig?

Let her cut ties.

That sounds like the kind of thing my mum would say. Feign innocence, thank her for checking, but tell her you’re buying a cake this year instead.

Does she have a history of making passive/agressive comments.

My way of dealing with passive/agressive comments is to take then at face value. So, if she said to me do you want me to make your birthday cake, normally I would but I have to put brakes on now to check everything' then I would simply answer whether or not i wanted her to make a birthday cake. Either, yes please that would be lovely or no thanks it's already organised. That way you'll have answered her question and ignored the passive/agressive nonsense.

It’s absolutely a dig and I’d say no thanks to the cake. You’re putting healthy boundaries in place, she doesn’t like it. You’re right and she’ll either get used to it and start respecting you as an adult or she won’t and you can limit her involvement in your life.

I would say that was a not so subtle dig and would be the one cutting ties.

Cutting ties sounds great!
That sounds like a great plan dm.
Really appreciate if you would do that - cut ties I mean, not bake a bloody cake.
Best wishes for the future..
Op..
And ignore..
I am nc with my dm over childish behaviour and bullying also..
Best part of 20 years now.
Bliss.

No, it was an unsubtle dig. Let her do her drama queening. No way will she cut ties, it will be an empty threat.

Indeed @SonEtLumiere!!!!!

OP don't engage. Engaging with shit like this will exhaust you and wear you down, but the other person loves it! Never underestimate how much energy people like this have got - they can go on forever so just grey rock them.

Thanks for the advice. She makes me so angry sometimes as I have had a lifetime of this shit. I keep thinking that if I point out to her when she is being rude or controlling she will apologise and try harder next time to do better. I really want my relationship with her to be better because I so crave a lovely mum-daughter bond. Maybe I should just accept this is who she is.

I keep thinking that if I point out to her when she is being rude or controlling she will apologise and try harder next time to do better.

Hows that working out so far?

I think you need to start to work towards just accepting she’ll never be what you hope for or deserve. DH has a monster of a mother, we’re all NC, and he found the book Toxic Parents both helpful and validating. It’s not you, it’s her, and life will be so much easier when you stop allowing yourself to be hurt by her behaviour.

It's a not so subtle dig and she was probably hoping you would grovel in response. When you calmly called it as passive aggressive she's gone nuclear because she didn't expect to be challenged.

Keep calm and leave the ball in her court.

Maybe I should just accept this is who she is

That's true actually. If you accept that she is never going to change, then you can be in control of whether you actually have a relationship with that person or not.

It is so obviously a dig. As others have said you are politely putting boundaries in places because she doesn't have the decency to let you be an adult. And now you have a baby she can no longer deny that you are a proper adult and have control over your own life. She told you you was too sensitive to plant the seed of doubt for her to grow from. You need to quickly learn she is showing you who she is. You need to either tell her to stop it and/or learn to please your self as she will never be happy with what you do, so at least one of you is happy

@HarleyQuinn33

Thanks for the advice. She makes me so angry sometimes as I have had a lifetime of this shit. I keep thinking that if I point out to her when she is being rude or controlling she will apologise and try harder next time to do better. I really want my relationship with her to be better because I so crave a lovely mum-daughter bond. Maybe I should just accept this is who she is.

She does not have what you want from her. It just isn't in her.

I spent decades of my life bending over backwards to make my mother like me, so that we could have a close relationship. It was wasted time. My mother is rude, controlling and extremely selfish. She doesn't care about offending others, because they are not important to her. Nice people often assume that people are rude because they don't understand what they are doing. This is rarely true, it's much more likely that they know and either don't care or actively enjoy it.

Yes she was having a dig. In your shoes I think I would just go quiet every time she has a dig, but then I'm not you and I've not had a lifetime of stupid games to endure from your DM. It must be so hard.

I agree with PP that you can't change her or your relationship with her. What you can do is make sure your relationship with your DC is as good as it can be. Make sure you learn from what makes your DM so painful to you and don't make those mistakes.

I think that you will have to accept who she is but that doesn't mean you can't have boundaries - or need them. People like this are incredibly draining.

The very fact that she reacts in passive aggressive way (or in any negative way) when you set a boundary highlights the need for them.

The 'too sensitive' comment is a form of gas-lighting - and telling you she doubts your parenting skills when you are pregnant with your first child is just plain mean.

Thanks for the comments all.

Looks like she has now blocked my number and unfriended me on social media so that's the end of that then...

Omg your mother has blocked you that's so sad. I surpose at least they won't be any from stress for a while.

So sorry @HarleyQuinn33. The quicker you accept this is how she is and won’t change, the happier you will be. Been there, done that..

I know it's very upsetting for you. This is because you very politely stood up to her.

You miss having a "mum" one that loves and cherishes you, honestly you aren't going to miss the mother you do have.

If you have had a lifetime of her treating you like this, perhaps it is time to accept that having her in your life is no longer viable. Although it sounds as if she has made the decision for you. Well, that is her loss. Enjoy your baby and the birthday!

Looks like she has now blocked my number and unfriended me on social media so that's the end of that then...

Take it as a blessing. What sort of mother does that to her pregnant daughter?