Why does he point score?!

[Jane334]

Hi everyone,
I am really frustrated with my partner! I am trying to make our home nice but he seems to hate the decor I choose. For example i showed him a cool print for our downstairs loo today and he tilts his head and says in a really patronising voice (eyes squinted) “do you really like this? Really? It looks like something you see in one of those chavvy places” I said to him “why can’t you just say you don’t like it? If you suggest something and I don’t like it, I I just say “I don’t like it””
He just doesn’t think/care how he speaks to me and if he hurts my feelings. My priority is him and I would never want to make him feel stupid or belittle him but he seems to enjoy it. He treats our relationship like a competition and I hate it! Why would he do that? He’s always trying to get one up on me or critique how I do the washing or telling me if he has done something better than I do it. I have had previous relationships and my partner has never cared what decor I choose or if he head never made me feel stupid about my taste. The ironic thing is he sent me a link for really chavvy Christmas lights the other day and I just said “not for me but if you like them get them” I would never want to make him feel stupid.
I am such a patient person but constant comments wear me down. Plus it has taken the joy out of decorating my home as he has to comment on all but everything I chose. I love Scandinavian style and people have always complimented me on how I do my house but he just seems to want to put me down, I don’t know if it makes him feel better about himself?
I just want us to be on the same team as that’s how I view things but he seems to want to always pit us against one another. And when his daughter stays it’s even worse, he seems to like adding her to his team against me.
Sorry long post, does anyone have any thoughts?
I love my partner and I would not want to leave the relationship, we have amazing moments but at times he really really gets me down xx

Expect not to be able to admit making simple, everyday mistakes*

@Jane334

That’s such a good point, he knows I am desperate for this to work and it gives him license to get away with bad behaviour that I can’t speak to him about for fear of him blowing up. We had a miscarriage in Jan... he was not the most supportive ie he always reminded me that people have it worse and corrected me whenever I said “lost the baby” he would say “it wasn’t a baby just cells” this was at 10 weeks, we had a heartbeat. I felt that I couldn’t speak to him as he thought i was not strong for being upset. Once I had to get precancerous cells removed and he wouldn’t come with me as he had his daughter. They went on a trip to the lakes even though I said I needed him there, he just said “I need you to be an adult”. I had to drive myself there and back. He has told me multiple times, I will never be as important to him as his daughter which I get as I wouldn’t want him to treat me any better than her but sometimes he really makes me feel worthless

There is a power imbalance in your relationship which suits him just fine. Like you said it gives him license because he thinks he holds the ace card. To hold that as a trump card to play against a woman, to capitalise on your vulnerability is so, so bad. That is not something that someone with a clean, loving heart would do - there's no genuine, heartfelt connection in that. I think you are capable of this 'clean heart', loving connection, but he may not be. To treat you that in the first place, he would need to see you as inferior to him. It's difficult to put into words, but it's a sort of 'she'll do as she's told' sort of feeling.

Is there much of an age gap and what's his occupation, if you don't mind saying? Is there a considerable financial gap between the both of you in terms of assets or earnings?

No! Don't have a baby with a judgy point scorer!

He'll judge you the way you let the baby pass through your own birth canal and then he will keep track over who is changing the most diapers. (Spoiler Alert - YOU will be changing ALL of the diapers but he will take credit, unless you do it wrong, then it's all your fault.)

He isn't the man you are willing him to be OP and it does not sound as if he loves you as you deserve.

Choose a better specimen to provide sperm !

Being a lone parent is tough but being a parent with someone who belittles you and undermines your confidence at every turn would be far tougher.

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. I really think you need to try and take a step back from this relationship and view it without the ‘this is how out wish our relationship outdoors be’ glasses.
He is not kind to you, or respectful, or supportive or caring .... he isn’t any of the things that you deserve in a partner.
You are letting your desire for that perfect family to cloud your judgement and responses. But think: why would you want a child with someone so mean spirited? He would surely criticise your romper suit colour choices, your parent style, your post baby bod etc. Please don’t let yourself be locked into such an unhealthy relationship.
He won’t change. He will probably get worse. But you have a chance now to think about yourself and what will make you happy. And it sure ain’t this man.

The trouble is, these kinds of things chip away at you, wear you down, and eventually change you into someone you don't recognise.

You gradually let things go, purely to keep the peace, and soon it's all gone.

YOUR baby / ANY baby deserves a much better childhood than this contemptuous set can deliver. A child develops much better emotionally in a calm, peaceful and warm single parent household that in a two parent household where these passive aggressive covert bullying tactics pollute the home.

He is eroding your sense of self by giving just enough belittling put downs each time so that you would feel foolish calling him out on it. These are deliberate and meant to hurt - but spun in a way that he can call it a “joke” and that you are “over reacting” - but it’s the totality, the pattern, the continuity that when you consolidate it all you can see that he is consciously inflicting a wound.

This is death by a 1000 cuts,

If you have a child with him he will pollute and destroy your motherhood with his sabotaging, undermining and contemptuous habits. Everyone deserves a better experience of motherhood than this. He will likely up the ante - as he “has one over on you” - he is already a parent and will use this as a stick to beat you with - ever so subtlety.

Then you won’t be the mother you want / choose to be. It will be his version - no compromise, He will drain your confidence and increase your anxiety in being a mother (often we are vulnerable as new mothers and do enough of that to ourselves) - and this will be transmitted to your child. They will also pick up on the tension / negativity / inequality between you. They will internalise it and become confused and unsettled. As they become older this internal stress / anxiety can become behavioural issues.

Love is kindness and respect. He does not show you this. You and your future baby deserve a confident, content, attuned mother and a calm and peaceful home.

He can’t give you that.

Don’t worry about your age - my close friend has her first at 47 in August.

I am so sorry for your loss. You did lose a baby. Your body and mind was preoccupied and bonded with an image of a newborn. He is an incredibly callous man.

Struggling to understand why you’re in a relationship with him? I’m a bit tired as I can’t sleep, is that it? Am I missing some redeeming qualities?

To a certain degree it doesn’t even sound like he likes you? It’s like he’s with you for the sake of it. His comments surrounding your loss are disgusting. Why does he think it’s okay to treat you in this manner?

In my opinion it won’t get better, it will only get worse. He will continue to wear you down. It’s really sad.

It sounds like he has a lot of pent up rage/insecurity and tries to one up you/put you down to soothe his ego.

Don't think of it as having a baby with him; think of it as sharing residence with him, i.e. a complete nightmare. He's already shown you what he's like as a father and an ex: he shows off and behaves like a Disney dad. All the boasting about how his daughter's his world is designed to make his ex feel as though she doesn't matter as much, or do things as well as he does. It will be the same with you.

You won't stay with him forever, as one day you simply won't be able to put up with it any more. He will likely be a nasty and uncooperative co-parent who insists on his "rights" and undermines you at every turn.

You don't want that for your child, and you don't want that for yourself.

Get out as soon as you can, before you fall pregnant again!

Seriously. You can do far better than this. He doesn't deserve you.

You don’t have a good, secure relationship with him. Appreciate the strong desire to have DC, but if you have a DC with him his treatment of you will be worse and you’ll be dumped or have to leave him at some point, then seek to negotiate maintenance and co parent apart, which will be much, much harder than walking away with no DC with him.

Far better to take your chances on meeting someone better, or looking at options to have a DC alone.

Whose property do you live in? If yours, you could just ask him to leave!

Being nice some of the time isn’t reason to stay with someone who treats you badly at other times.

Even some men who were previously consistently good to their partners behave much worse after DC, eg don’t want to share parenting/the much increased domestic work, prioritise themselves. This man is clearly showing you who he is now, before!

I am 36 and desperate for this to work, I want a family and I am running out of time for this.

I agree that you're running out of time, that's why I can't fathom why you are wasting your time on such a disrespectful man who wants to be in control. Leave him, date for a bit, use a donor if ypu have to but don't stay with this man.

I was you, OP, over a decade ago.

DP was so "nice" in the beginning, but once I moved in, away from family & friends, and knowing that I desperately wanted a baby - he took advantage of the power imbalance.

I felt a little bewildered in the beginning; didn't see what was going on. But the disrespect, having to be right/have the last word, refusing to pull his weight at home, not acknowledging my needs, the passive-aggressive behaviour, poor communication..... I could go on.

I planned to leave & gave an ultimatum; if I'd been 10 years younger I would have been long gone but at 36 I was desperate for a baby.

He agreed & I stayed, falling pregnant shortly after.

What I didn't know at the time, was that he punished me by having an affair. I would never have stayed.

Since then, he has focused on his career & hobbies, with little interest in family life, apart from the Disney Dad stuff. And doing fuck all round the house.

I'm in the process of leaving him & it is hell on earth. He is now going for 50/50, and suggesting he become the primary carer, he is lying & manipulating- still point-scoring.

Whilst I don't regret my DC, my life became hellish. It is so much harder to get out when you have children.

He also has narcissistic behaviour traits, just like his mum, who is a perfectionist with no kindness or warmth.

Don't me me, OP.

The threats to leave when something doesn’t go his way is very emotionally abusive.

I wouldn’t quite go as far as others to say just leave, but would offer following advice - get a quiet moment when you cannot be interrupted and explain to him you wish to talk without him interrupting. Be calm and business like. Explain to him the times he has made you feel terrible - the miscarriage comments, the ganging up with the daughter, the belittling comments with the presents. Then conclude by saying it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t feel it warrants you being upset, that you are upset and seriously questioning your future together as a result. Then say you are leaving for time to think - do what you can to stay away for 2/3 weeks. Do not contact him.

Everything in your mind will be telling you it’s the worst thing to do if you don’t want things to end, but you must stay strong in order to achieve real change.

If after that period - he adopts the same attitude - you have your answer and you should have no regrets. When faced with massive loss - and right now he doesn’t have that - he may consider his actions and attempt to improve / change. Even if not instant - you would regain your self esteem and balance the relationship back in your favour.

It will be very hard but is possible to get the changes you desire.

The ironic thing is he sent me a link for really chavvy Christmas lights the other day

Sounds like you both categorise things into "chavvy" and "non-chavvy". But you are more polite to him than he is to you at least.

I agree with what everyone else has written. This man will exhaust you. My ex loved point scoring in every aspect of life. He was never happy if I achieved anything. Whatever I bought was rubbish. I felt like he undermined everything I did with clever jokey comments to cover his sly digs.

If you have a child with this man he will do exactly the same to you as what he is doing with his daughter. He will use your child to gang up on you. My ex actually would try (and luckily fail) to get my daughter (who was not his child) to side with him. I am lucky that she told me what he was doing. He was sneakily doing it when I was out of ear shot. They don’t care who they use in their games as long as they come out on top. You do need to consider the impact his behaviour would have on a child. His daughter is all ready exhibiting some behaviour that she is picking up from him.

If you are not married to him, OP, run. Run like the wind.

Omg.

Please just get away from this HORRIBLE piece of shit.

Honestly, leave, consider sperm donation. Having a child with him would be utterly awful - he would undermine you as a mother.

You know what you said about feeling his likes adding his daughter to his team? Think how you'd feel to see, in 15 years time, your own child sitting next to him jeering at how stupid you are, because he'd taught them to despise you from birth.

Get out!