Why does he point score?!

[Jane334]

Hi everyone,
I am really frustrated with my partner! I am trying to make our home nice but he seems to hate the decor I choose. For example i showed him a cool print for our downstairs loo today and he tilts his head and says in a really patronising voice (eyes squinted) “do you really like this? Really? It looks like something you see in one of those chavvy places” I said to him “why can’t you just say you don’t like it? If you suggest something and I don’t like it, I I just say “I don’t like it””
He just doesn’t think/care how he speaks to me and if he hurts my feelings. My priority is him and I would never want to make him feel stupid or belittle him but he seems to enjoy it. He treats our relationship like a competition and I hate it! Why would he do that? He’s always trying to get one up on me or critique how I do the washing or telling me if he has done something better than I do it. I have had previous relationships and my partner has never cared what decor I choose or if he head never made me feel stupid about my taste. The ironic thing is he sent me a link for really chavvy Christmas lights the other day and I just said “not for me but if you like them get them” I would never want to make him feel stupid.
I am such a patient person but constant comments wear me down. Plus it has taken the joy out of decorating my home as he has to comment on all but everything I chose. I love Scandinavian style and people have always complimented me on how I do my house but he just seems to want to put me down, I don’t know if it makes him feel better about himself?
I just want us to be on the same team as that’s how I view things but he seems to want to always pit us against one another. And when his daughter stays it’s even worse, he seems to like adding her to his team against me.
Sorry long post, does anyone have any thoughts?
I love my partner and I would not want to leave the relationship, we have amazing moments but at times he really really gets me down xx

OP I had one of these. Many years ago we were very skint at Christmas. I shopped economically in the local market for a present for my niece.

I was quietly proud of the oil/vinegar bottles I found and showed him. I can still recall the sneering tone in which he said "Christ you buy some real shit don't you".

And he was convinced his reaction was correct and and brooked no discussion about it.

He took away any joy I gained in finding a bargain and finding a nice present for someone.

He never changed and any purchases became a minefield as he'd always have something negative to say. I ended up hiding shopping as I wanted to avoid his snide comments. If he found it I was berated for secrecy and excessive spending. And I'm talking £5 tee shirt level spending not designer label.

The real kicker is that by then I was working full time and earning more than him.

He's an ex but I still struggle to be open with my current partner about new purchases.

I'm not saying you will end up where I was but it does sound as if there is some kind of issue around this for you.

He is a middle child, he always jokes he was and is no-ones favourite. It’s really important to him to please his mum and her approval is what he seeks. I see it when he sends pics of his daughter, it’s like he has to prove he is doing a good job.
It was his daughters birthday and I bought her cheap make up sponges as she likes watching me do my make up. They ripped and she said to me “that’s because they’re cheap” I thought that this was an ungrateful thing to say and he just laughed and said “she’s right though” . He has then just proceeded to ask what brand I buy so he can buy her the expensive ones?!! Is this just rewarding spoilt behaviour? Or am I overreacting... I can’t say anything remotely negative about his daughter as he gets so defensive: and by negative I mean things I would say if she was my own child too.
You’re all making excellent points... I’m so scared to be alone and I do worry I have left it too late to have a family x

What exactly is 'this' you are so desperate to work. At present you are in relationship with a man who belittles you, doesn't support you and blows up if you raise issues. That is what 'this' is: a bad relationship! This IS how it works. This is how it will continue to work.

Bringing a child into it will not change how this works for the better. He'll belittle your parenting, your parenting choices, and he will eventually belittle your child - why are you desperate for that life?

I feel for you. There's a difference between being honest and being condescending. The chavy comment isn't that bad (I can imagine myself saying something like that), but at the same time, it's important to read the situation and person accurately. It sounds to me like you feel quite deflated often by these comments and that they happen quite a lot. Some men are like this because they have not been social with a lot of women. They are used to a macho world where everyone blurts out the first thing that comes into their head, where ruthlessness or competitiveness is highly valued.

I don't know you as a person but I think what you might be sensing is that your partner isn't really on your team. That shows when his daughter is over. The comments might increase whilst he's there before it's a way for him to bond with her and show her a kind of dominance over you. Children and teenagers often try this on or try to show off in front of their parents, but as his partner you should expect and demand his respect.

I think he gets a kick out of bursting your bubble, deflating you and that is not good. There's another element of narcissism or lack of empathy that might be troubling too. Feeling subordinate jn a relationship isn't sexy at all.

Do you think he's quite smug or arrogant? Does he make you feel silly often whilst totally ignoring his own mistakes or flaws? How empathic or sympathetic is he generally?

Please do not turn this into a good/bad side, Jelkyll & Hyde thing. That is a big mistake for you. You need to accept that this behaviour is a part of who he is as a whole and you cannot partition off the bits that you can't like, sadly!

Because it's a way*

@Pyewhacket

Problem is, every time I raise something with him, it blows up massively and he threatens to end things..

How old is he , 12 ?. I'd think hard about taking him up on his kind offer.

Haha I bet he does. That's because he really doesn't like it when you actually push back. He wants you to keep accepting his behaviour and threatens to end things as a type of punishment. Next time that happens, I would be really interested to know what would happen if you calmly said 'Ok, then, it's over', and were really serious about it.

Hmm... curious as to why the relationship with his daughter's mum didn't work?

You categorically can't change people OP - particularly people like this (I know I married one!) I know you're desperate for a family and I do sympathize but you're forcing something to work that simply won't. Having a baby when you already KNOW he doesn't treat you right would be madness. It will be ten million times worse if you have child with this man and you'll ultimately end up splitting.

You still have time to meet someone else, someone kind who has your interests at heart. Even if you didn't meet someone you'd be better off having a baby alone as you'll ultimately end up that way of you have one with this unpleasant man.

“
Do you think he's quite smug or arrogant? Does he make you feel silly often whilst totally ignoring his own mistakes or flaws? “

100%!!! Do you know him 😂 thank you so much for taking time to reply xxx

It sounds like you are holding onto this relationship because you are running out of time. By thinking this way you are likely letting a lot of shitty behaviour slide.

No one here can tell you what to do, but this is who he is.

If someone said to you "when you do xxx, it hurts my feelings", what would you do? I think his behaviour speaks volumes.

You are in a deeply unhealthy relationship. It would be horrible to bring an innocent child into this disaster.

He treats you like this because (a) he's a nasty person and (b) he knows you are desperate for it to work, so you'll accept it.

You would be actively stupid to have a baby with this guy.

Because he is insecure and petty and it makes him feel better to see other people feel worse. This will not get better

He is just a dick. It will be a million times worse if you have a baby with him. He will know best and/or won't be able to discuss parenting choices reasonably. Sperm donor is a great call. Nothing like being shackled to a bloke your whole life because of children. I speak from experience!

Ps you're doing that thing that women do, looking for reasons and explanations and mitigations. Whatever the reasons you cant fix him and there are plenty of middle children (!) that aren't derogatory or cruel.

That’s such a good point, he knows I am desperate for this to work and it gives him license to get away with bad behaviour that I can’t speak to him about for fear of him blowing up.
We had a miscarriage in Jan... he was not the most supportive ie he always reminded me that people have it worse and corrected me whenever I said “lost the baby” he would say “it wasn’t a baby just cells” this was at 10 weeks, we had a heartbeat. I felt that I couldn’t speak to him as he thought i was not strong for being upset.
Once I had to get precancerous cells removed and he wouldn’t come with me as he had his daughter. They went on a trip to the lakes even though I said I needed him there, he just said “I need you to be an adult”. I had to drive myself there and back.
He has told me multiple times, I will never be as important to him as his daughter which I get as I wouldn’t want him to treat me any better than her but sometimes he really makes me feel worthless

You’re all making excellent points... I’m so scared to be alone and I do worry I have left it too late to have a family x

Not a good reason to bring a little one into this world though! I know that sounds harsh but he doesn't sound like someone who will coparent healthily and he isn't your only route to becoming a mother - he sounds unsupportive and immature. You can't discuss things healthily and happily now - imagine adding no sleep and extra stress to the mix! I am 33 and would have become a mum 10 years ago had I had the choice to do so with a suitable partner by that hasn't happened so I've waited. It's worth the wait, I think, to meet someone OR to investigate other options rather than having a baby with someone who is immature and unreliable pre-baby.

Cross posted - I am so sorry about your MC and his attitude to it should show you that he isn't worthy of being your partner

Thank you for replying, I feel less alone when I hear responses. Thanks so much xx

Oh OP, I got rid of my ex who was VERY like this. Funnily enough he was the middle child of 3. I honestly believe my ex had serious issues due to his relationship with his mother. I know he never felt good enough which made him lack confidence so, to compensate, he would criticise everyone else if he thought they might be 'better' than him. He would often put me down and criticise me and I honestly think it was to make himself feel better for his own insecurities. I absolutely adored him and we were together for a long long time and he also used to play on the fact he thought I'd never leave him. So he thought he could treat me however he wanted. Sadly for him I grew up and refused to put up with it anymore. He still hasn't forgiven me!
Your partner is doing exactly this. He is putting you down to make himself feel better, probably something from his childhood.
I'm really sorry to say that he will never change and you really do deserve better.

I’d say he enjoys having power over you.

He’s angry that you’re doing better and earning more than him.

He doesn’t like you OP.

Is it your house? Would he be able to buy and run a house on his own? It sounds like he’s with you for convenience’s sake not because he loves you.

Oh and all that ‘my daughter is my world stuff is to do with performance and public image so that he can portray himself as a nice family man.

He’s not and never will be.

I think the 'daughter is my world' stuff is actually just another way of putting the OP down and reminding her she;s not that important.

Of course his daughter should be top priority but you shouldn't have to actually tell your partner that!

Don't settle, it will be harder with Kids. You still have time to try for a family with someone new I just had a baby at 39. My best friend is pregnant at 43.

Please please do not have a child with him, I feel your pain earlier in the year but he’ll destroy you and the child, the daughter sounds a spoilt brat who follows his lead, these relationships are toxic I I’ve with a family who did nothing but pick, bitch.

It's because he wants to be top dog and putting you down is the equivalent of pissing in every corner.

2 options. End the relationship or have a serious heart to heart and make his see his attitude for what it is. Controlling. If he doesn't take this on board, you know it will get worse.

The trouble is with that sort of character is that you will never be truly equal to him (if I'm right). He may be nice to you, he might be fun, he might do good things......but he will never truly see you as of equal value to himself. That opens the door for abuse, depending on the situation. Expect devaluing, belittling behaviour. Expect not to being able to admit making simply, every day mistakes because he will tut and sigh at you for doing so (because obviously he would never do anything that silly). It will make you feel like a child and you will start to feel tired of sticking up for yourself all the time. He might stop doing certain things if you give him an ultimatum, but deep down, you will be subordinate in his eyes and it might only be a temporary masking of behaviour. Deeper change takes longer.

It's a very ugly character trait and I've seen it a few times in my life in different people.