How do people get over heart ache and break ups?

[Sassysally12]

It’s been 2 weeks, and I feel worse if anything. Relationship had good times but a lot of bad, he has deep issues which are ignored by him and unresolved. I feel the whole Relationship would have been different if he had accepted help. He often likes to list a million reasons why he feels we didn’t work, which is just a lovely dagger to the heart really. I feel like shaking him that I’d he wasn’t how he was that list wouldn’t exist. We were so happy before. Together for 7 years, DS 4 and I have a 12 year old DD from previous. The kids don’t know yet, eldest sees her dad but is very attached to my now ex partner. She will be devastated. He works away which is why she hasn’t noticed yet, although she was asking lots of questions last weekend when he didn’t come home, I know I need to tell her but until I can get over the uncontrollable crying stage I feel it will do her more damage seeing me broken. Our son asks for him a lot but he also doesn’t understand and quite liked that he got to stay with us dad at nan and grandads last weekend, kind of a novelty for him as he hasn’t stayed there much. I have been on my own before and I know I wasn’t happy (I could have been if things were different) so why do I feel so lost? Lockdown doesn’t help, I’m an hour away from what would be my ‘bubble’ so I am alone constantly with the children. Maybe that’s why I feel so low? I feel like my confidence has been battered over the years I am a shell of myself and I cannot ever imagine anyone else wanting me. How do people go forward from here? I can’t go no contact due to the kids, I feel like I’m going crazy. Any advice appreciated

Not much help but I understand how you feel op
💐

@Daisylady10 horrific isn’t it, are you going through the same? Xx

Yes for the 3rd time same man 😩

Time is obviously the biggest one but so many other things which all involve working on yourself

Focus on the here and now. Don’t look back at the past and reminisce and think I wish we were like that, I wish he did this and that. Part of breaking up is grieving who you wished he would be. Let go of the fantasy of him and focus on who he is now, cause that’s who he is. Let go of the iffs. If he got help, if he changed This then he would be perfect. No...he doesn’t want help, he won’t change and he won’t fit into the mould you want him in. Let him be.

Know your worth. You and your kids deserve better. Think of all the reasons why you are such a catch. Think about what you want in the future and what you want in a man, not physically but the things that matter honesty, reliable, holds down a job etc and aspire to that because you are worth that.

Be careful where you are putting
Your energy. Have a couple of weeks resting and grieving but be sure to show up for yourself. Work on your self care and by that I don’t mean baths and face masks, do some work on yourself and your healing.
Watch amy young on youtube, mark groves, Jenna Ryan’s self love u...those are amazing YouTube channels that will really get you over this. Put your energy into you and your kids, cook something nice, get
The house tidy, try new hobbies that don’t cost the earth, watch a new series. Just try to channel your energy back to you because it can be so consuming pining over a man who doesn’t fight for you, who just lets you go.

Social media. Biggest no no. Best coming off it for a while or you will be snooping his socials ten times a day. Or block him and keep him blocked. Turn yours to private because it can also be tempting to post more stuff in a kind of fuck you im living my life kinda way but deep down you are just seeking his validation.

I hope this helps, it’s a hard journey but you can and will get Through this x

I know its not my post but great advice @Limeandlemon i will remember this

@Limeandlemon thank you, brilliant advice. I have saved it into the notes on my phone so I can read it at my low points. Our brain has a way of remembering things with rose tinted glasses so the part about taking him for who he is now really struck a cord, I haven’t liked who he is for a long time and he really does make me feel on edge for his next outburst. Thank you for taking the time to help xx

Same here. About 4th time with same man..same cycle of upset..also going to read those points.

@notsurewhattodo22 exact same here, so friends etc don’t take it as serious as they think oh it’s just them splitting up again. They don’t get that it really is over and it doesn’t make it any easier. In fact I feel like it’s harder because you feel stupid for giving chances and chances.

Can we list 5 bad things about them...what are 5 awful traits of him?

@Sassysally12 same 😩

@Daisylady10 it’s awful isn’t it!! I think that’s what makes it worse because the support isn’t there because people think oh they will just get back together!! Even though the circumstances are completely different this time.

@notsurewhattodo22 only 5??

• moody/ snappy/ very short temper
• one rule for him another for me
• no work ethic, loves money and spending it but not earning it
• immature, holds on to being one of the lads and memories from his youth before me and kids basically. I think he resents me for taking this away from him (I didn’t.. he was 25 when I met him and already has a 13 year old son..)
• depressant, narcissistic drug user who blames me for every dark part of his life, he has created every single issue for himself yet reflects it onto me. Blames me for everting, I am the opposite to him, never taken drugs, steady job for years, my house I own, the car is mine which I thank the lord for but I know trying to get CM out of him will be like getting blood from a stone

Wow that felt good, your turns

@Sassysally12 doesn't sound like you are missing much 😁

Okay my turn:

1. This man can't take any perveived criticism or even humour. Everything is my fault...even if he's screaming that is my fault too. His ego is so fragile it's untrue. Has me apologising constantly and then criticises for that saying I'm playing games.

2. He will never put himself out. of course others are expected to be an on tap counsellor. Everything on his terms. Not once has he put himself out when I've needed him. Again that's my fault for expecting too much.

3. He never apologises.

4. He is super dismissive, if it's not his way it's wrong and will belittle you. Will stonewall for weeks and then return.

5. uber miserable constantly, always moaning.

Another narcissist I think!

@Daisylady10....do you want to list?

Ladies, watch self love u on YouTube. Amazing advice about getting out of relationships with narcissists. I’ve been there too.

My turn...
Lazy, man child, never lifted a finger, wheres my undies etc..
Gamer before me or dc
always late
Ridicules me, mimics in a baby voice
Puts me down
Paranoid
tight although earns well
Rude

It always helped me to have some kind of a goal relating to fitness / exercise and just really focus on that. Walking, c25k, or whatever floats your boat. I think the endorphins help too.

@Daisylady10 @notsurewhattodo22 crikey, sounds like we have been dating triplets!!! This does worry me going forward, I don’t want to end up with another man like this but there seems to be so many judging from MN posts!!! Ex tx me the other day regarding our DS and maybe 3 messages in it ended up him sending me a huge message ‘ I feel this’ ‘ I think that’ it literally said “I” about 30 times, and I just thought you have proved my point right there, it is constantly all about him, there are 5 of us together (his son my DD and our shared son and us two) and yet life really does revolve round him. I do feel sad regarding my stepson, I’ve watched him grow but doubt I will be allowed to see him again. It’s also awkward regarding my daughter because she’s kind of grown up with him and really loves him, he asked to have DS last weekend but not her. Obviously she is not his but is this normal protocol? I feel sorry for her, like she’s just been forgotten. What a mess, just before Christmas aswel!

@Limeandlemon brilliant thank you, That will be my bedtime viewing tonight!! How long did it take to wash your narc out your hair? Xx

@Bluefargo thank you, I took DS for a long walk today and your right being outside fresh air and feeling active made me feel better in myself. I have been a hermit if I’m honest and the sofa has a huge bun shaped dent in it where I have been slumped for two weeks pretty much!! I like the idea of setting myself goals so I can focus my brain on something else rather than him, thank you! Also wouldn’t hurt if it helped me shift a few lbs - revenge body

Aw it's good you've been out.

Our relationship was nowhere near as serious as yours but was on and off for a while. I know I'm better off without but it pains me that he was really the one to finish it, and blamed me for it!

It's a complete headfuck at the moment...as you say people don't understand. They just see someone who didn't treat you well and wonder why the hell you stayed.

@notsurewhattodo22 exactly the same, he ended it (I should have ) then has gave me lists of reasons of why..
All stemming round the fact he was a depressive twat basically. Couldn’t wrap his head Why I wouldn’t want to drag him to the bedroom if he had been stomping round making everyone feel anxious all night with his moods. He really think he’s going to love a fantastic life and meet a girl who works, but not enough for it to affect his life (he wouldn’t want to have to look after his own kids or do more housework etc...) but doesn’t answer him back and ignores his moods but still thinks he’s wonderful and tells him this often while trying to have sex with him. Good luck mate.

There’s always someone’s situation who could seem worse,
For example I’m not married so I’m glad of that, but you have to live your life and with your pain and that’s a serious loss to you. It’s just as painful wether you have kids or not,
Just abit more annoying because you can’t block them! Xxx

Some people ( men especially I've found) have so much anger. Mine had huge issues with his ex. He told me she would scream at him and he was so quiet and timid he would take it. That's not the angry side I've seen!

A real.wolf in sheeps clothing.....

He would never make any effort either.

Must be hard if you have kids with them...you're doing well x

Gutting isn't it how they've effectively dumped us.

We must try and remember all the bad and we are better off without.

If your confidence was battered over the years and you're a shell of yourself that's a BIG indication that the relationship was abusive and/or unhealthy. This breakup is probably a blessing in disguise. Focus on your kids and never be unhealthily emotionally dependent on a man.

Yes I feel like he’s slowly picked me apart bit by bit then when all that’s left is shreds he’s just thrown me away. But I have to remember, I allowed him to do this. I am mortified, I think because it’s lots of small little
Things that happened over years you feel like you are over exaggerating at the time. Now I know I will never let
Someone gaslight me and make me feel like
I am over reacting again. His family would get involved and tell me how much he loved me and how much he has changed since meeting me, but they didn’t see what he was like to live with. They are know though. His parents have expressed concern to me about his mood swings, while he is making out his life is so easy and stress free without me and this is the best decision he’s ever made! Feel like saying well your parents who you live with say otherwise!! What also winds me up is grown ass men with families would rather run back to their parents homes rather than actually make an effort?? And stick by their responsibilities?? That being said I am glad he is gone, well I’m not that’s a fib but I know I will be. I know this is the best thing that will happen to me. I do feel sad, I had always insisted after my
Daughter that I wouldn’t have more children as I felt I would be judged by them having different fathers. He always insisted of course this didn’t matter to us because we would be together forever, so now I have two by two and I just feel abit embarrassed by it. That probably sounds stupid but I always feel like people look awkward when they realise my children have different fathers, I imagine a new boyfriends parents would think oh god stay clear of her she’s a man eater bunny boiler. This is not how I would look at women in the same position of me, it’s strange how you judge yourself so differently
Though isn’t it? I do feel it’s maybe to do with my confidence. It is sad because I was always the life of the party and very outgoing and confident in myself, always got a lot of male attention and kind of knew I was a catch (as a young girl) now I feel like I would kill to feel like that. I massively need to work on myself, feeling good about myself and healing from years of torment really. Somebody telling you your this and that, I guess you start to believe it don’t you.