How do people get over heart ache and break ups?

[Sassysally12]

It’s been 2 weeks, and I feel worse if anything. Relationship had good times but a lot of bad, he has deep issues which are ignored by him and unresolved. I feel the whole Relationship would have been different if he had accepted help. He often likes to list a million reasons why he feels we didn’t work, which is just a lovely dagger to the heart really. I feel like shaking him that I’d he wasn’t how he was that list wouldn’t exist. We were so happy before. Together for 7 years, DS 4 and I have a 12 year old DD from previous. The kids don’t know yet, eldest sees her dad but is very attached to my now ex partner. She will be devastated. He works away which is why she hasn’t noticed yet, although she was asking lots of questions last weekend when he didn’t come home, I know I need to tell her but until I can get over the uncontrollable crying stage I feel it will do her more damage seeing me broken. Our son asks for him a lot but he also doesn’t understand and quite liked that he got to stay with us dad at nan and grandads last weekend, kind of a novelty for him as he hasn’t stayed there much. I have been on my own before and I know I wasn’t happy (I could have been if things were different) so why do I feel so lost? Lockdown doesn’t help, I’m an hour away from what would be my ‘bubble’ so I am alone constantly with the children. Maybe that’s why I feel so low? I feel like my confidence has been battered over the years I am a shell of myself and I cannot ever imagine anyone else wanting me. How do people go forward from here? I can’t go no contact due to the kids, I feel like I’m going crazy. Any advice appreciated

Oh sally I completely understand. I used to be confident, sure in my own decisions etc.

He was nice to me unless I dared stand up for myself, have needs, express myself. He would then say the way I go about things is awful and completely tear my personality to pieces. Even after yesterday I'm thinking is it me....am I that bad in how I communicate.

I would desperately try and explain myself just to be shunned...told I'm only doing it to play games etc. This would make me defend / apologise more.

I have let this go on too and am a shell of my former self. I don't even like myself anymore. It's my fault for allowing it, I feel pathetic. I always used to be self confident.

How do we get there? You sound lovely btw and from what you've said way better than him. x

What are you upto today? This lockdown isn't helping is it having time to ponder and being isolated all the time.

Do you have much real life support? I only have my kids atm. They are a little older and have been great, I feel a crap mum for being so miserable.

@Daisylady10 how are you today?

I actually feel ok today
You?
Well apart from problem with my hot water 😅
I watched a video on YouTube lastnight & going to watch another one tonight

I'm not too good today.. I want to cheer up and I can't seem to

@notsurewhattodo22 sorry it’s been one of them days!! Sorry to hear your not doing too well today, have you heard off him or do you have NC? I’m sure there are many bad days for us all to come, but hopefully 6months down the line everyday will be a better day than life with them!

Completely agree with you and many times u have asked
Myself, is it me?? Am I being a baby? He will say horrible things then when I say I’m a human with feelings you know he’s like god take a joke when did your sense of humour disappear
You boring woman. Gas lighting at its finest! Still no word for DD, just a brief hello when he was on FaceTime to son. Twat.

I feel tired 24/7 because I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders but I’m sure it will pass. It’s strange because I don’t think I actually miss him, the house is peaceful,
Nobody is on edge. I’m just so emotional and I can’t understand why, I think about him 24/7 it’s very strange. I’m not even sure if I like him, is is just the brains way of wanting somebody because they don’t want us?? And breaking the habit I guess, and god knows I’ve had bad habits before but he is certainly my worst one.

@Daisylady10 glad your having a good day! Shame about the water though, hopefully an easy fix!

Xxx

I've not heard from him no ☹ definitely over this time.

You say the house is more peaceful which is great. How are your kids doing?

It's usual to be thinking about it, he was a huge part of your life.

I’m just going to post this written by someone else on MN and I saved it:

When heartache (not break, it stays in tact) has come visiting in my life, it has helped me a lot to really concentrate on my sense of dignity. I’ve literally dragged myself off the sofa, into a shower, into clothes and sorted my hair. You are not a broken, wailing animal. You are a proud strong woman who can definitely make adult choices (like staying off her phone). You come from a long line of tough women, who faced worse than this. They are standing behind you now, hands on shoulders, going far back in time. They are all saying ‘You’ve got this, wallowing time is over’.

I really like the idea of loads of women standing tall in support

Love it 😊

Adult choices like staying off her phone made me laugh! I can't do that 😁

@cheesecrack brilliant thank you! Another I’ve copied to my notes so I can read when I feel weak!!

@notsurewhattodo22 kid are ok, I have explained to DD now, she seemed ok but she did mention it was strange he hasn’t asked to see her. I know he’s not obliged too it’s just hard when she’s grew up and lived with him. My DS keeps getting upset in the morning saying I miss daddy, I want him to come my house. I just gently explained he will be seeing daddy Friday night at his grandparents house. It is difficult that I deal with the aftermath of it all. I haven’t spoke to him either, he FaceTimed DS iPad directly which is abit rude really but hey.

Today is a good day, although I have to see him later to drop DS so will see how that feels. DD is also going to her dads tonight so a night completely on my own is on the cards, it’s just a shame when it’s not how you planned your life. Part of me thinks well I’m still quite young so maybe I could start over and have my happy ever after (I’m 32) but another part of me feels like is anyone going to want to be my third time lucky? for now its focusing on myself, looking and feeling like me Again, and obviously the kids but they have always been number 1 on my list! Hope you are all ok today, this thread does help me xx

Glad your ok @Sassysally12
im 34 so couple years older but hopefully its not too late..
I started a job last week so thats keeping me focused

I think that's a bit shitty to not speak to your DD. A very selfish way to act to a child, just reinforces it's the right decision. He probably knows it will hurt you too. Kids are very resilient though and they must appreciate the peaceful environment. Is it your home did you say? Or do you have all that to sort out?

Hope it goes well later.

You are 32 lots of time. I'm 39 and feel life if ticking by.

I've learnt a harsh lesson here though and I hope I will have better boundaries in the future, I had zero with him.

Absolutely! I don’t think 34 and 39 are too late to start again, I just worry because this would be my third time
Round, that’s what I feel like would put people off. Again I think it’s a confidence thing, I have to think well if they can’t handle that so relationships have gone round then piss off! Basically! Yeh I think it is very petty, she’s walked past in the background and he’s said oh hello, u ok how’s school, but he hasn’t asked to see her, text her or phoned her directly. Shame as she was 5 when she met him. I feel like anger is keeping me going, keeps reminding me what a horrible man he is. Yes the house is mine luckily, finances will be tighter without him obviously but as a tradesman When the work was handed to him then great but at times when the work slowed down, he wouldn’t chase it. So I’m used to having to stretch my money. Although when DS starts school next September (he’s 4 but JUST missed the cut off) I will go back to 5 days at work (I currently do 4) so that will be a little extra! They just don’t care the mess they leave behind so they, we have to think of everything, while they just pack a bag and go

@notsurewhattodo22 is the no contact helping do you think? I’m glad your kids are helping you, and that they are a little older so will be easier when you start to date again, just think of a lovely xmas with your kids and he’s one less present to buy for

Boundaries, I agree. I took stuff off him that I wouldn’t have ever before. I left my DD dad over 10% of the stuff my new ex has done, it’s crazy really. Embarrasing but we live and learn!

It is I think! It wasn't even a long relationship but it's affected me more than splitting with their Dad. I think a lot of it is grieving what could have been. I do feel a little lighter though that I'm not hanging on for the next outburst!

That’s the same, eldests dad I took zero shit from, god knows what makes our tolerance disappear!! Oh good, I think eventually that feeling of relief will take over the sadness feeling. I didn’t even seen ex today, his dad came
To the door and made
Small talk for 5 minutes while
I dropped DS.. no sign of him, very strange.