Relationship lessons

[Hellin301]

Can anyone post their best advice about relationships

Whether it be lessons learnt, wise sayings or tips for the future

Always interested in hearing people’s personal experiences & things they’ve learnt along the way!

Try and recognise when its over and get out. Don't waste time you'll never get back.

Men are at their peak when you first meet them, set the bar high enough as ground will be lost over time. Never go for someone who could potentially be good, if you could change xyz, the finished article is in front of you.

Lessons harshly learnt

1. If a man says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him! He's unlikely to change his mind.

1. If he's interested you will know, don't chase. I have wasted countless time chasing uninterested men.

1. Keep boundaries high, no matter how much you like him. I sadly have not done these and have ended up hurt.

Always strive to have an equal relationship with mutual respect.

If you don't like his parents and/or they don't like you, end it immediately. No way back from a toxic mil.

Don’t give up your career and potential for his. If it doesn’t last you haven’t lost everything.

Some really good advice here already!
They definitely won't change, marry someone you really like to begin with.
Certainly let them chase you. I've learnt this the hard way.

@Alys20

If you don't like his parents and/or they don't like you, end it immediately. No way back from a toxic mil.

Amen to this.

My advice is for earlier in relationships. Watch how he treats and speaks to others when you're on dates. If he's dismissive to the waiter then he's rude and entitled. If he comments negatively on people around you then he's judgemental and unkind.

He might not direct these attributes towards you at the start, but you can be sure they'll follow along eventually.

Make sure you can genuinely say your partner is a kind, decent person. Don’t overlook any evidence to the contrary because you’re ‘in love’.

Talk about things early (such as whether you would like children, your future goals etc). Don’t wait until you’re years into a relationship before finding out if you’re compatible on important issues.

Some great advice from pp, particularly @Mermaidwaves

I will add some more:

1. if he wanted to, he would. Don't waste your time thinking up excuses for why a man isn't acting interested, if he was interested he would show it

2. only take 'communicate' so far. It is becoming a trend for women to be told to stay in relationships in which they are being treated poorly because they allegedly haven't communicated their boundaries/feelings enough. Only go to couples therapy if he is absolutely willing to change, do not think that you can communicate a man into not treating you like crap, it is a choice he is actively making

3. relationships should add value to your life, not depreciate it. If your boyfriend is constantly making you anxious/upset/angry he is not your soulmate

4. this one is so, so important. Do not EVER give up your financial independence. It puts a strain on relationships and makes it harder for a party to leave if things aren't working out

5. make sure your friends like your SO, they will be able to see things objectively for you

6. make sure early on that you both have the same wants in life (marriage, kids, location, politics)

7. maintain friendships and hobbies that are separate from your SO

Forgot to add: do not fall into the role of Mother. Only give your nurturing to people who actively deserve it and reciprocate it!

And don't ever think you can change someone! If someone shows you who they are, believe them. I could go on all day

Nothing is forever and you can never truly "know" someone. That doesn't mean it isn't worth trying.
I found that out the hard way after husband of 15 years did an "about face" and walked out. Honestly thought he was my soul mate (cringe). There is no such thing!
So yy to previous advice on remaining financially independent and keeping up friends and hobbies.
It's so easy to lose yourself in a relationship but you need your own life too!

It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship that’s making you unhappy

Don’t let anyone use the “I have trust issues from a past relationship” line to justify anyone trying to control who you see/phone/talk to, where you go, wanting to look at your phone etc. Similarly, don’t use that excuse yourself yo justify similar behaviour.

1. There is no such thing as unconditional love, except for one's own children. A partner has to behave in a way that's deserving of love.

1. Don't accept from a partner behaviour you wouldn't accept from a 12 year old child. Eg, name-calling, upsetting 'jokes', leaving dirty dishes or clothes for you to pick up, not pulling their weight. Etc.

1. In a relationship, respect is more important than love. Much harm has been done in the name of love, no harm can be done in the name of respect.

So much good advice here. I wish I could have listened to this a long time ago, but then I wouldn’t have my wonderful children.
If it’s going wrong and you can’t fix it, get out and don’t waste time thinking it will get better.It won’t.

Always trust your gut!

Never settle, know and believe your worth
Communicate, say how you feel. If they can’t handle that they’re not worth it
Do not ignore or justify the little red flags, they get worse
You can’t change or help someone, only they can. Too much effort on your part will make you resentful

Some great advice on this thread. Mine would be don't change to please them. Do what you do and let them fit in around you.

Love is worthless when it's not accompanied by actions. The words are not a panacea. And if your own love is not reciprocated, it's wasted.

Find someone you can have a laugh with it just a physical attraction with. As time goes on you’ll need a connection that makes you excited physically and mentally.

Usually by 3 months a man will have shown his true colours. Three months is usually the time I dump them!

Don't chase.

Set your standards high and write down an essential and desirable list of qualities that they must have.

Have hobbies and interests that you enjoy doing and don't drop them. The same goes for friends, you will always need them.

Don't ignore the red flags and always trust your gut instinct.

Yes dont ignore red flags and always know that you are worth more than settling for poor treatment that hurts you .

Make sure you are sexually compatible and can communicate clearly and openly on the subject. Miss-matched sex drives can cause major issues down the road.

I just revisited a file on my computer called ‘the boyfriend list’ from my 20’s for this 😂 the best one:

1. if he gets angry when you get upset, get out.

Also:

2. make sure you’re happy being on your own before looking for a relationship. Then you’ll never be anxious about being alone.

3. cultivate your own interests and encourage your partner to cultivate theirs.

4. there is a fine balance between realising no one is perfect and not putting up with crap- go with your gut on this.

Agree with pp about friends and family!