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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship lessons

40 replies

Hellin301 · 10/11/2020 22:25

Can anyone post their best advice about relationships

Whether it be lessons learnt, wise sayings or tips for the future

Always interested in hearing people’s personal experiences & things they’ve learnt along the way!

OP posts:
2ndMrsdeWinter · 13/11/2020 22:16

When he plays games in the early stages, get rid.

If he is ‘just friends’ with his ex female colleague woman from school then it’s not unreasonable to presume he’s fucking her and fucking with you.

Its a massive red flag when he insists on only dating you during unsociable hours - you are not a bat. He’s hiding something.

Calling his ex a pyscho means that he’s probably a complete bellend who treated her abhorrently.

EarthSight · 14/11/2020 00:26

Great thread. Will read through tomorrow. Mine are -

a) When men say 'I don't deserve someone as good as you', or 'I'm fucked up', or 'I'm not a very nice person'......don't wait to find out if they're right, or try to soothe them, or prove them wrong. Believe them. I did and I've never looked back.

b) Listen to to men's actions, not their words. Words are important to, but if they don't match their actions, then that really needs attention.

EarthSight · 14/11/2020 00:48

I have 6 extra for other women, although I may come up with more in the morning -

  1. Look at how he handles conflict or people he doesn't like. That is exactly what you will experience if you divorce.

  2. You don't just marry a person, you marry their family & friends too if they live nearby. An important factor especially if you plan to raise children.

  3. Check your sex drives. I have seen this issue drive so many couples apart on Mumsnet

  4. If pre-marriage, sit down and really discuss what your expectations of family life is going to be, which includes expected time for socialising or hobbies and division of parenting tasks. Not exactly romantic, but important.

  5. For young women - do not buy into this cultural thing of nurturing a damaged, tortured soul in the hope he will turn into a prince or return the favour and nurture you. Do not let your kind instincts allow you to be a mother or a nurse to a grown man. Take a step back and realise that you are a partner and there should be a limit on how sorry you feel for him. The very basics that you should expect is that he is interested in taking care of his physical & mental health.

  6. Watch how they handle money. If they are reckless and impulsive with it, you just can't build a solid future together.

AeroFlakeTw1rl · 14/11/2020 10:55

Stay independent, never rely on anyone else

Value yourself, your family & your friends

TheKrakening3 · 14/11/2020 10:57

If he is an aggressive driver, he is no good.

If he is rude to service workers, he is no good.

Don’t be afraid to be alone.

NettleTea · 14/11/2020 11:01

dont play mind games or accept them.

dont go out with someone in the hope you can 'fix' them or make them something they are not - men are not projects for women to improve, you need to be happy with who they are, and they you

keep your friends

keep your job

dont have children without being married

NettleTea · 14/11/2020 11:04

expect them to fully pull their weight regarding housework, paying bills, chilcare and mental load

expect them to support your career choices, even if it may make their life a little harder (you may have to work away / have unsocialble hours/ take a night off from seeing them to get some work done/ he may have to take up slack for children)

MrsWooster · 14/11/2020 11:08

Don’t contort yourself to fit what he wants (or what you think he wants); it is impossible to sustain long term, and if he doesn’t like the real version of you, it’ll never last. See also trying to second guess his intentions /wants/needs: being able to ask from a place of honesty and openness, and being able to state your, is a vital base for a lasting, healthy relationship. and if I’d bothered to think about any of this earlier, I wouldn’t have been single and lost in a series of limerance fantasises til my 40s

TheDaydreamBelievers · 14/11/2020 11:20

Any relationship that makes you cry a lot isnt working for you.

Being with someone who is right for you is easy. If it feels like an uphill battle to get together or stay together, it's not working. I used to think that the tension and drama was like "star crossed lovers " when actually in retrospect he just didnt want to be with me much. It wouldn't have been that hard if he wanted to.

Keep investing in yourself outside your relationship- your friendships, finances, hobbies, job. It's okay for your relationship to make you happy. It isnt healthy for it to be the only basis for your happiness.

It's okay to want or not want things (children, marriage, kinks, a house etc etc). If these things differ between you it's okay for that to be a deal breaker. Isnt anyone's fault, just an incompatible. Dont let people make you feel small or stupid for your wishes here.

Tiny2018 · 14/11/2020 11:28

I'm with disneyprincess 87- Always trust your gut.

If your gut tells you there's more to it with an ex, give it up as a bad job. Don't allow yourself to fall into the deepest, darkest pits of hell with insecurity, paranoia, suspicion.
If anybody close to him warns you, about him, even subtely, give it up. My exes best friend and Uncle cared about me enough to give me a heads up. I chose to ignore it.
Don't ignore any flags. When we are in love, we often choose to bury our head in the sand, unwilling to see waht is right in front of us. Over time, the more red flags come up or continue, the harder it is to ignire them. In my experience, this level of inner conflict can, at times, make you feel as though you are genuinely cracking up. No man is worth your peace of mind, give it up.
If his morals are too different to yours, either agree to disagree or give it up. Agreeing to disagree is unlikely to work in the long run though, as these same morals and belief systems will be considered by both when making larger decisions surrounding parenting, housing, employment, finances etc.
If he is shit with money, give it up. This will not change and will cause you ridiculous amounts of stress and you will have a future that includes nothing better than you have now- if anything it will get worse over time due to decreased earning potential.
If he indulges in any activity excessivelly, get rid. My ex was a gamer and a habitual stoner. He worked part time, when he wasn't working, he wanted to game and get stoned.
Drugs- stay away from addicts. No amount of love or compassion will change their addiction. Many believe that Cannabis is not much of an issue these days, and I honestly believe the odd tote at night or the weekend is not much of an issue. My ex smoked from the moment he got up at 6am, until he went to bed. When he did not have his weed, he became irritable and more aggressive than usual. If we went on a holiday, he would have to buy a weeks worth in advance to take along with us. One caravan holiday, the caravans were so close together and the class of people on the park prevented him from being able to smoke it on the decking. He was a fucking arse all week and ruined it for everyone. Also money, a habit is aexpensive, even if he claimed it was not a habit. They claim this, don't fall for it get out.
Any hint of a temper that scares you, makes you anxious, get out.
If it doesn't feel like he's joking, he's not.
If you are becoming insecure, whre before you were not, it's him, not you, get out. This can also be the case even though you've been cheated on in the past.
I could go on forever.
Become comfortable with your own company, become financially independent. Build a life for yourself that you like, or preferably love. Once this is achieved, you are less likely to twist yourself up in knots for a man that doesn't deserve you.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 14/11/2020 11:33

Oh and two more-

Early on, dont do the "ooh I wont reply for an hour so he doesnt think I'm too keen" dance. If he doesn't like you because you texted back quickly, he didn't like you in the first place.

A partners mental ill health or addiction does not make them treating you poorly excusable. If they treat you poorly, it's okay to leave even if they are unwell. Similarly to a point I made above, you should also maintain your boundaries in this situation- if you do x, I will leave you, even if you did this due to mental ill health or addiction. Dont let yourself sacrifice your happiness because they are unwell, it is ruinous for your wellbeing and also doesnt help them. I'd also be concerned about dating anyone in this situation who is not interested in receiving help or helping themselves

ClearEyed · 14/11/2020 12:27

@IJustWantSomeBees

Some great advice from pp, particularly *@Mermaidwaves*

I will add some more:

  1. if he wanted to, he would. Don't waste your time thinking up excuses for why a man isn't acting interested, if he was interested he would show it

  2. only take 'communicate' so far. It is becoming a trend for women to be told to stay in relationships in which they are being treated poorly because they allegedly haven't communicated their boundaries/feelings enough. Only go to couples therapy if he is absolutely willing to change, do not think that you can communicate a man into not treating you like crap, it is a choice he is actively making

  3. relationships should add value to your life, not depreciate it. If your boyfriend is constantly making you anxious/upset/angry he is not your soulmate

  4. this one is so, so important. Do not EVER give up your financial independence. It puts a strain on relationships and makes it harder for a party to leave if things aren't working out

  5. make sure your friends like your SO, they will be able to see things objectively for you

  6. make sure early on that you both have the same wants in life (marriage, kids, location, politics)

  7. maintain friendships and hobbies that are separate from your SO

Excellent advice. I agree with them all!
frozendaisy · 14/11/2020 12:38

A good relationship makes you a better version of yourself.

If you don't make each other laugh (a lot) it will be a dull time.

You need to find each other hot. It's what makes a relationship different to everyone else.

Trust and forgive fuck-ups. Not betrayal but when they are the occasional drunken sop!

Be kind.

Thewoodfromthetrees · 14/11/2020 13:39

Hmm....and if we take all this advice on we would be single well into old age...i'm not convinced. We have to be realistic. I would say weigh up the pros and the cons and go from there

Sally2791 · 14/11/2020 18:44

This is an excellent thread, should be compulsory reading for teen girls onwards! Trouble is, at that age they all know better and think it will be different for them...

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