Father cut me off years ago

[Talkingtothemoon]

It’s a long story so I’ll try and be as brief as possible - my DF cut me off 12 years ago after his DW manipulated a situation between her and I. I saw him 7 years ago at a family funeral and had a long talk with him and we seemed to have cleared up the misunderstandings. Then when he was at leaving from the airport (he lives in a long-haul country) he sent me a text saying only “Apologise to my DW.” Nothing else said.

I had counselling back then to try and understand how on earth this ridiculous situation arose in the first place and the counsellor concluded it was nothing to do with me and I was being made a scapegoat for their marital problems.

Over the years I’ve just blocked out the pain of not seeing or having contact with my DF, while also feeling angry at him for being so spineless, but now he’s turned 80 and it’s hit me hard that I’ll definitely probably never see him again. I’ve heard through family that he’s had cancer a few years ago.

I wrote him an email two years ago and had no response. I carefully wrote my side of the story, made no accusations at all - just my side and said what a sad situation this is. Did not criticise his DW, etc. I’m thinking he has either chosen not to reply or his DW saw it first and deleted it (they share the email).

He has no family around him aside from DW’s (he emigrated there in the 1960s from the UK, I was born there but now live in the UK), and his wife is 13 years younger than him. His DW is massively money-orientated and I do sometimes think this situation was by design to cut me out of his life so that she will inherit everything. Before I moved to the UK she told me “you do know all your getting is X property don’t you?” This property was what my DF owned before they married but together they own their own home plus used to have 7 rental properties which was intended to provide for in their retirement. This comment that she made, which my DF is not aware of, makes me think that there is a financial motive behind this situation. The counsellor agreed that it could be a factor.

I feel so hurt and angry that I have lost 12 years from my DF because of her. We always previously got on well and then these petty accusations came out of the blue and turned my DF against me.

I now have my own DC and I cannot see how someone can just cut their child out of their life for such petty rubbish (counsellor agreed it’s petty, therefore there must be another reason between them). My DC I guess will never know their grandfather.

I have thought of emailing one final time, or posting a letter and getting my husband to write the address on the envelope so that his DW won’t recognise the handwriting and intercept it. I just don’t know whether to leave it or try one more time.

Goodness that was long, sorry

It's terribly sad but you didn't lose this time because of her, it was because he chose to let her push you out. He made the decision. It's very hurtful either way though

Would not try again. He has had more than enough time and years to make up with you and he was never interested in hearing your side of things properly. He is a weak man all told and it does seem he has been unduly influenced by his now wife for her own monetary gain.

Is your mother still alive; if so what does she make of her ex H's actions here?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my DM is furious and horrified at my DF. They divorced when I was very young but always got on well, but after my DM had a go at him on the phone about this situation she won’t have any more to do with him. DF blames me for my DM having a go at him

@CodenameVillanelle thank you x

I would try again. People often reflect as they get older and sometimes want to change things or put things right but aren't sure how to go about it or worry how their getting in touch will be received. Don't leave it until it is too late. Better to try and fail to reconcile than for him to die and live with the regret that you wished you'd tried one last time.

Is there a way you can contact your DF directly?

From experience, leave it. He doesn’t love you or want you in his life, as much as his wife may be pulling the strings. I’m sorry

I would ring him up. That is the only way you would be guaranteed to know he had got the message. However he sounds like he is siding with his manipulative wife so reconciliation may not be possible.

As someone who also has a parent who I'm nc with I would try and make contact if you want to but be prepared that you may get nothing back .
If you do prepare yourself that's it you've tried and move on .

I am not sure you can get past his gate keeper.

It is almost certainly financial and at his stage of life she will be making sure he doesn't make any decisions that impact her.

Your husband could address the letter but she is probably the type that opens his mail.

Its a shit situation that is sadly far more common than it should be.

I agree with Boggled, my father did this but its now about 30 years.
I call his DW the gate keeper as you just can't get around her!
Yes he's spineless and he's made up his story and TBH unless he's away from his DW he will stick to the story.
However if you feel/want to write then do so but do it for you and have no expectations that he will reply, it may be very therapeutic.
I wrote a really long letter outlining my hurt, I asked him to explain why he'd let his wife blame a young child for existing and why it was ok with him to let her throw me out on the street at 16 ( my DM lived in another country and it was a week after my 16th birthday)... I then burnt it!

Why didn’t you just apologise at the time? If it was really petty, as you’ve said above, then why didn’t you just swallow your pride and give his “D”W the apology for the sake of maintaining a relationship with your DF?

You know you’ve done nothing wrong, but if apologising now is all it’s it would take to be able to see and speak to him again then what would it really be costing you? IMO you’ll feel far worse (than having to make a fake apology) if he dies without you having spoken for so long.

There’s no fool like an old fool.
As long as his younger dw is in his life she will drip her poison about you in his ear, however it is his decision to listen and believe it.
There’s nothing you can do to change that.
But try and stay in touch with your df for your own sake. When he finally dies you will have the comfort of knowing you did your best to have a relationship.

The reality is that you did not lose contact with your father because of his wife but because he chose her and her interests above yours.

Hard to accept, but if he really missed you and wanted to reconnect he would have done so by now.

Focus on yourself and your partner/kids/mother and let go of your hope to fix your relationship with your father. You already have done more than enough to try to repair things.

And I don't think people change or reflect as they get older.

I am cut off from all my relatives because I got fed up with my parents never acknowledging the emotional and physical abuse they put me through as a child and teenager and for the rest of the family for siding with them in denying my side of the story. I got tired of being the scapegoat who should apologise for everything and cut everyone off. Best thing I ever did.

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

I might think about sending a Christmas card and then leave it at that. DF has no family in the country he lives and I am his only child. They moved to a new area a couple of years ago to be near his DW’s family so he left all his lifelong friends behind. His DW’s family were all lovely people so I hope they will watch over him as he’s getting older.

How do either of them sleep well at night knowing what they have done

His DW’s family were all lovely people ...

Possibly, yes - or maybe they just presented themselves that way to encourage the marriage (it wouldn't be the first time)

Ignore me, of course, if you've met them and actually know them to be so ...

I’m in a very similar situation with my dad, except there was no falling out, he just disappeared, and it’s so so painful. I don’t understand how these ‘parents’ just go about their lives knowing their own flesh and blood is pining for them and are able to ignore it.

Why didn't you apologize to his DW when he asked you? For him his wife takes precedence over an adult daughter...

If you want to talk to him why not call him directly? If she picks up, hang up and try again later? Or call and don’t tell her who you are. In my experience the written word (emails, texts) aren’t great in these situations, so much can be lost. Just call him directly and tell him how you feel. For all you know he’s not receiving your emails, 80 and unwell, chances are she’s in charge of everything. Even if the call doesn’t go well, you can hand in heart say you tried everything.

Agree with others that this is about him and not about his wife. I am NC with my mum now. She married a man who she knew was a paedophile (like with an actual criminal record, which he told her about, she believes he has abused other children, but thinks he wouldn't do it to any in the family). She hid this from me until I found out on my own (lots of red flags and I hired a private investigator to provide me with his records), allowing him unsupervised access to my dc. We are NC because she won't accept that this is all sorts of wrong and highly problematic. I also disclosed my own experiences of sexual abuse. And her reaction was that I brought too much negativity to her life with all of this and she didn't choose to live life dealing with any of this anymore, and she was 'moving on' from me and my dc.

The reality is that she made this choice not because of anything I did, or anything her partner did (though I suspect he is pleased she is more isolated now, his own dc and dgc have nothing to do with him either), but because there is something deeply broken inside her. I can't fix it and it's not my responsibility to carry it around.

My therapist has helped me to think through reaching out to her in the future - basically, by thinking through how I'll feel regardless of the outcome. If I reached out, and she ignored me, I'd feel like shit because how dare she treat me like that when I've done nothing wrong in all of this and I was just trying to extend an olive branch. If she responded, her response is likely to be the same sort of rubbish it always is, equivalent to your dad's demands for you to apologise to his wife. That's shit too. I can't make her be the parent I need her to be, because she's too messed up. So I leave well alone and keep myself healthy and sane.

Your dad has chosen not to keep in contact with you. You can't just blame it all on his wife. As hurtful as that is, it's his choice to ignore you and he will have to live with the decision he made.

I would call him, I think you regret the things in life you don't do rather than do. Even if you don't get the result you want, at least you know you tried and there will be no "what ifs" etc
A card/letter is unlikely to make it to him

Thanks for everyone’s different perspectives.

DF’s brother (my uncle) visited him for a month a couple of years ago and said DF has long episodes of staring into space in the evenings and seems lost in thought, not responsive to conversation etc. Uncle didn’t tell me, I heard it from another relative. It could be old age or I wonder if he ever thinks of me and what could have been.

I don’t feel the need to apologise as a couple of posters said I should. I have done nothing wrong, and the counsellor agreed that this is nothing to do with me. If anyone should apologise it should DF for the times in my childhood and teenage years where he regularly drove drunk with me in the car, I was always petrified but he never got caught (until about 20 years ago and he lost his license for 6mo). Or the hours he would leave me home alone at primary age, he would just disappear, or the relentless bullying over my weight which has left me with self-confidence issues. Or him telling me “don’t come back here (home country) as there is nothing for you here.” I could go on but that’s another thread in itself.

There was bad times and good times but he’s still my Dad

I don't think this is about whether you should apologise or whose fault it is you've lost contact with him. It's all about how you'll feel when you eventually hear he's gone and you hadn't reconciled. If you can look deep inside and say to yourself that you'll be OK with that, then leave it as it is. If not, then move heaven and earth to speak to him. How he feels about you (and staring into space does not mean he has regrets) is nothing to do with you tbh. My ex behaved abominably to our adult children and they went nc. He tried to make amends and I said the same to them (he is in his 80s now and poor health) - they are both now in superficial contact and have said their consciences will be clear when they get that phone call. Good luck.

After your update I think you need to read up 'FOG' (fear, obligation, guilt) as to why you feel the need to give this man any more of your headspace. The stately homes thread might be of help.

Hi OP, my opinion comes from similar experience. He is your dad but he is lost to you. He values his DW over you. I also have a remarried dad. I am low contact. His DW is lovely and I bear her no ill will, but his life now focuses on her and her family over his own family which can be hurtful.

What I try to do is a little bit to make myself feel better. There was a very big falling out some years ago. I made the effort to build bridges. I dutifully call him and visit even though it's just a handful of times a year.

Sadly none of this is reciprocated, He never calls me, he doesn't visit. He is socially awkward and in the big falling out he really got stuck into my husband so the atmosphere is strained in family gatherings and no chance of him staying over at mine, it would just be really strained. I had cancer, he didn't visit even though I couldn't visit him as too ill. He has no relationship with and does nothing for his grandchild. When I had cancer and he didn't visit it actually made me feel a bit better in a funny way - I knew I was low priority to him for sure so didn't have to feel guilty about not being a better daughter. So I'm going to keep going, I'll keep lines of communication open but I feel less guilty these days and I think that's what's important- my dad checked out on me, I think yours has too so this has got to be about what makes you feel better with a recognition that you don't owe him much.