Single Ladies Join Me!

[Mermaidwaves]

After separating from an unhappy 17 year marriage last year, and then a miserable year of disastrous online dating (social distancing) and having my heart badly broken by a casual fling, I've decided to listen to advice from friends and here and go it alone.

I've come to the realisation that I need to learn to be alone and accept and love myself. I haven't ever done this as I was married young and since splitting have been chasing men looking for 'the one'. I've just deleted my POF account and due to lockdown won't be meeting any men in real life. I feel a bit anxious about embracing the single life fully, are there any others out there who would care to join me and support each other?

Hey OP,

I split from my ex this year and spent a few months obsessing trying to get him back (thank god I'm over that). I also tried online dating but found the majority were weirdos who like to send dick pics.

I've now decided to go it alone and don't really speak to anybody anymore. Sometimes I feel lonely and would like some romantic company but other than that I'm embracing it. Like you I haven't been single for a long time and I'm just trying to find myself again. I believe that once I find myself the right person will come along. Until then I'm not chasing people out of desperation.

Hope all goes well for you, it's a lonely road sometimes but a necessary path we have to take.

I'll join ladies.separated from OH of 18 years am going to embrace the single life - have only been single for 2 years since I was 18 and 50 now. Unfortunately have to live in the same house with my ex but hoping that will all change next year!

@WhatInTheHell yes I've obsessed over my casual fling to the point of madness and now he has a proper girlfriend I've been desperate to find someone too. Desperate being the operative word. I've been chatting with men online, who a few years ago I would never have considered, just to find someone, anybody. It's self destructive behaviour and I agree that by finding ourselves we will meet the right person.

@celticmissey I'm so sorry you still have to live together! I truly hope you can have your complete freedom soon. I find it hard to adapt to the term single, I'm 40 soon and haven't found myself yet.

Yes! I'll join you 🙂

Separated from my husband after nearly 15 years and online dating is painful - my skin is definitely not thick enough for the rejection 😩

I made a plan until December to lose weight and run 5k x

@jigglypuffcookie hi! Online dating is the pits! The men are so shallow and I've been ghosted loads after first dates. I feel the same, the rejection isn't helping my self esteem.

I'm going to try and lose some weight too, to benefit myself and I've started doing yoga which I've discovered I love. When I feel sad or anxious I'm going to try and distract myself with it.

The ghosting is awful! Definitely preferred dating 15 years ago but then I had a lot more confidence too 😂

Yoga sounds good, I might see if any good YouTube videos to try 🙂

Hi @Mermaidwaves , I'm single after blocking a wrong'un I was involved with, blocked in February. He was a sex pest and life without that and his other narcissistic games is fantastic. I don't feel lonely at all, I have space to breathe and am not being nagged for sex, or sex acts I don't want etc.

Best year of my life.

I've had a lot of therapy over the years (mostly via Zoom this year) and would recommend it, especially EMDR if you've had any traumatic expeiences.

I also read the Relationships board a lot- to me it's consciousness raising about the experiences of women.

Through MN I heard of the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/and am involved in that and similar programmes (a lot of the FP facilitators are running stuff via Zoom) and met some friends through that.

Maybe unrelated but I watch a lot of Youtube and play a lot of Pokemon Go (which means I take a bit more exercise than I otherwise would.) We have a good MN Pokemon Go community too, and I also joined a local group.

I think the trick to it is to learn to enjoy your own activities.

Also, bin and block liberally and often. Not just creepy men, unpleasant 'friends' too. Blocking at the first sign of any bollox is asserting your self worth, and you finally will feel more safe and protected, as you're not at the mercy of what others do, you're in charge.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts/experiences.

@jigglypuffcookie I find yoga so good mentally and physically, definately worth a go. Online dating has ruined dating in many ways I think.

@SoulofanAggron I could really do with some therapy as I feel I have really poor boundaries as I've accepted terrible behaviour from ex H and my casual fling. I'm glad you are happier being single, that sounded awful! I do feel my time will be better spent finding activities I enjoy rather than trawling dating sites or waiting for texts from disinterested men.

I'll gladly hop on board too, I have had it with OLD. The ghosting is absolutely soul destroying.

I’ll join, split from ex 5ish years ago after marrying very young, so 20 years together.

Did the whole online dating thing, had a total disaster with a psychopath and 3 shortish term (months) “relationships”, last one ended in Julyish.

I’m not looking anymore, to be fair unlike you I’ve realised I’m playing at it and have no desire to settle down or introduce someone to the kids right now. I’ll probably still “date” for fun now and then, and currently having needs (ha) met without the hassle of the rest.

So this is me, want to explore all that life and my career and travel (when we can!) has to offer before allowing someone into my life maybe when the kids are a lot older, maybe not even then let’s see!!

My husband left 2 years ago after 21yrs of marriage, 3 children and being together since I was 18! I'm still dealing with the after affects and trying to get over it all. Recently been having some therapy and hypnosis to get rid of my anger and bitterness and move on.
I've signed up to some dating sites recently but absolutely no one has caught my eye! I don't even know what I'm looking for! And I'm a bit scared of going on a real date after so long! I suppose lockdown has put a hold on it all anyway. But I do know that I would like a significant other.
I've recently discovered Michael Sealey hypnosis recordings on YouTube which I have found really helpful.
I'll check in as much as I can xx

I've discovered yoga and online coaching. YouTube is a great resource, I really like Stephanie Lyn coaching videos and yoga with Adrienne. I've also carried sober October on and feel better for it, I don't want or need wine o'clock to numb myself. Lots of support lurking on the alcohol free threads. Also enjoy decluttering and treating myself to fluffy bedding and different types of tea. And my kitten, he was a game changer lol

@Headsshoulderskneesandtoes00 the last guy to ghost me was clever, professional and seemed very modest. A quick text to say no thanks was all he needed to do.

@DrizzleandDamp I like your attitude! I do like the idea of travel and adventure without being tied down, my kids are older teens so this will be possible for me after covid. I've tried FWB but I'm a fool and end up getting attached stupid I know!

@ArabellaRockerfella I should have been sensible like you and seeked therapy before rushing online to date. I think you've been wise to do so.

yesterdaytotalsteps I can't get to my yoga classes so will have a look at those online, thanks. I also like the idea of making my home more comfy, like a sanctuary, lots of candles and crystals for me. I would love to get a kitten

It’s hard to not become attached, maybe after so long I’m just dead inside

In reality though I’m quite a bit further down the track from you (and Arabella 20yrs, 3 kids, from 18 here too snap!) and I went through the mill of getting over attached and sadly waiting by the phone.

But I’ve realised what I was craving was distraction, that dopamine hit and a bit of attention. Not actually the man himself.

Now I am having a delightful affair (not a married one!) with someone wholly inappropriate and am friends (platonic) with a few men who I’ve either dated or just met dating. And it’s lovely, I care about them, but there is no desire to build anything, it turns out I just like people and that friends have far more value 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve applied for my gun license, started riding again, stepped up massively in my career, been to festivals alone, been to several exciting countries all with 3 kids under 12. No man is going to give me a dopamine hit like those things can!

Life is greener when you get to the other side. Not going to lie and say there isn’t some shit, have an ongoing rape case, kids alone with a crap ex can be tough, but even with all of that, you can find your joy if you look for it

@DrizzleandDamp i definitely get attached too quickly and I think you're right about the distraction part too! Definitely given me a lot to think about!

@DrizzleandDamp I really want to be where you are now happy by myself with male company if I feel like it, but in no way important. It does feel like I won't ever get there but I'm hoping I will. You are so right about the dopamine hit! Waiting for and then receving that text I seem to need validation from men and I really want to stop that. For your rape case

Hey all! I’d love to join please. Been single over 4 years. I’ve tried OLD for a year, all the sites, but completely gave up a few weeks ago as I found it was becoming really detrimental to my soul and mental health! I feel like it’s literally the worst side of humanity. It’s actually sad. I have felt so much better and back to being ME since I deleted all that crap. Ive accepted I’m going to just be single and happy now, and I really feel such a sense of peace and liberation about it. I hated the whole culture of OLD. Lovely to meet you all 😊🌸🌻

@Shayelle2009 welcome! I'm sorry you've found online dating horrendous, I really have too. It's also affected my mental health and made me think that most men have awful issues in some way. I'm hoping to feel like you, a sense of liberation

I listened to some hynosis on You Tube last night about getting over an ex and I'm not sure if its a co incidence but I haven't felt the need to check his social media today which feels really positive. How is everybody doing today?

Hi Mermaid 😊 you seem lovely Ive read lots of your previous posts. Its great if you haven't checked his social today. Thats 100% one step forward. Ive found lots of walking and treating myself like a queen keeps my spirits, positivity and self esteem high 🥰

@Shayelle2009 aww thankyou thats so kind of you to say! We definately deserve to treat ourselves like queens, rely on ourselves to bring happiness

I had a few wobbly moments this evening where I get a panicky feeling about being alone but they have passed. Does anyone else get this anxious feeling sometimes?

I do, actually feeling panicky tonight but think that definitely means I need sometime alone 🙂

I have been on sick leave since a bad accident during the previous lockdown. As I await surgery, I have wandered into the world of facebook groups. Some have been awful, but some of the groups are really social and generally have good people in them. There are single parent dating groups, over 40 friends etc. So perhaps try that...not to meet someone per se, but just the daily interaction can be confidence boosting in pandemic times. I am on one group called single by choice (or something like that), and it is full of people in quiet but resilient determination to take time out of dating.

This feeling is usually what drives me online dating, the urge to look for a potential man, which I think is unwise as I end up chatting to unsuitable men. I've been trying to distract myself by reading and watching TV.

@scoobydoo1971 thats a really good idea, I hadn't thought of joining a group for single folk which is not dating. I'm going to have a look on facebook and see what there is.