Hi guys...I wanted some advice as I don't know where to turn now. All my friends are fed up of hearing me moaning, and I need to know- honestly- from an outside perspective if this sounds like my boyfriend is not over his ex. It would also be good to hear from some co-parents if this sounds normal...or downright weird!
So me and my boyfriend have been dating a year...it's our year anniversary today, actually, and he's sadly not speaking to me at the moment because I looked through his phone at the weekend. I KNOW this sounds awful and crazy, and honestly, I'm not that person, but being with him over the past few months has made me quite anxious and insecure and paranoid. The guy I'm with doesn't have any friends...like any friends, at all. The only person he speaks to is his brother over drunken rants.
This guy told me when we met that him and his ex had been broken up two years...I since found out it was only one. They still own a house together and can't sell it due to both being students (this doesn't bother me at all). They have a kid together and his ex only properly moved out in the Summer where she can have the kids. I've met the kids and his family, I get along with everyone really well- including his ex!
Everything felt it was going fine with my man, until LOCKDOWN- and this correlated with his ex moving back into their house. She was only there 3 months, but it caused some anxiety and insecurity my end- even though he slept downstairs, I still felt really uneasy about it. His communication with me became worse and basically, I've been reduced to a shell of myself- a shell of the person I was when I met him. I'm usually very strong and independent, but since this deterioration of the relationship and since he's become more and more withdrawn, snappy and angry with me, I've become more and more clingy and insecure- if that makes sense. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks as he was having another break, needing more space etc etc, the same old story. I gave him this space and then he phoned me up asking if I wanted to come over and see him and the kids on the weekend just gone. I went. I had a lush evening with the kids, but as soon as they went to bed and we had downstairs to ourselves, he became really weird with me again- rigid, stiff, basically, not only didn't seem bothered that I was there, but almost UNCOMFORTABLE with it. I've been super lush to him the whole time- we have amazing sex, I always try to make him feel super good, I cook him a lot of lovely food, give him gifts and generally try to be a lush girlfriend who's always thinking of nice things for us to do together. BECAUSE he was so off with me (even when we went to bed..really wasn't bothered about me being there, barely touched me, didn't look at me or chat to me) this made me feel really weird. Why did he invite me there if he didn't WANT to see me?
Anyway, in the back of my mind, I've always felt funny about the ex. I don't think she does anything wrong in any of this, but I've often felt he puts her needs first- if she doesn't want to see the kids or take them to school (this is a regular) he just lets it slide- even if it impacts our time. THIS IS COMMON and has been throughout the year. He doesn't seem to question that she's a pretty lazy, selfish person who takes him for a ride (he has the kids most of the week, but she doesn't give him anything towards that).
Anyway, I'd had a few drinks and I let my inner child get the better of me- I checked his phone in the night. And lo and behold, what do I find, but that he's been messaging her since he got weird with me...links, pictures, a bit of banter but...wait for it...PICTURES OF HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABY. WTF. Urgh. Is that weird, or is that my imagination? I need to know what you guys think. I KNOW it was bad of me to check his phone, please, I know that, but I need to know what external people think of this. WTF. I feel it's pretty inappropriate, gross and weird, but am I being weird for thinking this?!
He tells me it's just because he's alone and isolated and 'wants to make things right with her' and just that they've got 'in jokes and history', but my gut says either he's still in LOVE with her, or he's deeply attached/can't let go. Can someone enlighten me? Because I'm going out of my mind trying to work this all out...this was the person I was sure I was going to have children with, but I'm so conflicted and confused, now. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice or wise words, I'd be so, utterly grateful.
Thanks in advance, Stareyes xxx