Boyfriend sending his ex baby photos of her

[Star011]

Hi guys...I wanted some advice as I don't know where to turn now. All my friends are fed up of hearing me moaning, and I need to know- honestly- from an outside perspective if this sounds like my boyfriend is not over his ex. It would also be good to hear from some co-parents if this sounds normal...or downright weird!
So me and my boyfriend have been dating a year...it's our year anniversary today, actually, and he's sadly not speaking to me at the moment because I looked through his phone at the weekend. I KNOW this sounds awful and crazy, and honestly, I'm not that person, but being with him over the past few months has made me quite anxious and insecure and paranoid. The guy I'm with doesn't have any friends...like any friends, at all. The only person he speaks to is his brother over drunken rants.
This guy told me when we met that him and his ex had been broken up two years...I since found out it was only one. They still own a house together and can't sell it due to both being students (this doesn't bother me at all). They have a kid together and his ex only properly moved out in the Summer where she can have the kids. I've met the kids and his family, I get along with everyone really well- including his ex!
Everything felt it was going fine with my man, until LOCKDOWN- and this correlated with his ex moving back into their house. She was only there 3 months, but it caused some anxiety and insecurity my end- even though he slept downstairs, I still felt really uneasy about it. His communication with me became worse and basically, I've been reduced to a shell of myself- a shell of the person I was when I met him. I'm usually very strong and independent, but since this deterioration of the relationship and since he's become more and more withdrawn, snappy and angry with me, I've become more and more clingy and insecure- if that makes sense. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks as he was having another break, needing more space etc etc, the same old story. I gave him this space and then he phoned me up asking if I wanted to come over and see him and the kids on the weekend just gone. I went. I had a lush evening with the kids, but as soon as they went to bed and we had downstairs to ourselves, he became really weird with me again- rigid, stiff, basically, not only didn't seem bothered that I was there, but almost UNCOMFORTABLE with it. I've been super lush to him the whole time- we have amazing sex, I always try to make him feel super good, I cook him a lot of lovely food, give him gifts and generally try to be a lush girlfriend who's always thinking of nice things for us to do together. BECAUSE he was so off with me (even when we went to bed..really wasn't bothered about me being there, barely touched me, didn't look at me or chat to me) this made me feel really weird. Why did he invite me there if he didn't WANT to see me?
Anyway, in the back of my mind, I've always felt funny about the ex. I don't think she does anything wrong in any of this, but I've often felt he puts her needs first- if she doesn't want to see the kids or take them to school (this is a regular) he just lets it slide- even if it impacts our time. THIS IS COMMON and has been throughout the year. He doesn't seem to question that she's a pretty lazy, selfish person who takes him for a ride (he has the kids most of the week, but she doesn't give him anything towards that).
Anyway, I'd had a few drinks and I let my inner child get the better of me- I checked his phone in the night. And lo and behold, what do I find, but that he's been messaging her since he got weird with me...links, pictures, a bit of banter but...wait for it...PICTURES OF HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABY. WTF. Urgh. Is that weird, or is that my imagination? I need to know what you guys think. I KNOW it was bad of me to check his phone, please, I know that, but I need to know what external people think of this. WTF. I feel it's pretty inappropriate, gross and weird, but am I being weird for thinking this?!
He tells me it's just because he's alone and isolated and 'wants to make things right with her' and just that they've got 'in jokes and history', but my gut says either he's still in LOVE with her, or he's deeply attached/can't let go. Can someone enlighten me? Because I'm going out of my mind trying to work this all out...this was the person I was sure I was going to have children with, but I'm so conflicted and confused, now. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice or wise words, I'd be so, utterly grateful.
Thanks in advance, Stareyes xxx

Whats that term? More red flags than a communist convention?!

Get out, don't go back. Block delete. Fire up tinder and swipe right on someone else

You want to have children with a man who has made you a shell of a person? Why???

Why the heck is a childhood photos the issue you are taking here?!? He’s clearly not that into you or that interested in making any effort for you, drop trying so hard for someone who doesn’t care. The relationship has no legs.

But by itself, there is nothing weird or whatever about the photo?!

The only thing you need in your life right now is some self respect.

Ditch him, and work on that!

but being with him over the past few months has made me quite anxious and insecure and paranoid

I've been reduced to a shell of myself- a shell of the person I was when I met him.

This is not a healthy relationship. It won't get better.

I always try to make him feel super good, I cook him a lot of lovely food, give him gifts and generally try to be a lush girlfriend

Your relationship seems one sided. You seem to make all or most of the effort and it can come across as a bit needy or desperate.

but I've often felt he puts her needs first

That may be because her needs relate to their children.

He doesn't seem to question that she's a pretty lazy, selfish person who takes him for a ride (he has the kids most of the week, but she doesn't give him anything towards that).

How old are the kids?
Do they both work?
When you say he has them most of the week, do you mean during the daytime?
You shouldn't concern yourself with money in their arrangements.

He tells me it's just because he's alone and isolated and 'wants to make things right with her'

What does he mean by this?

How old are you and him?

I think you should find a man without children. You don't need the hassle and you sound young enough not to have to settle for it.

I would get out your self worth is more important

Bloody hell ditch him. You are worth so much more than a half assed relationship, picking you up and dropping you when he feels like it.

Don’t be hard on yourself for checking the phone, you had a reason, and you needed answers.

You will always come second to his ex and frankly you deserve someone who gives as much into the relationship as you are. He’s taking from you and giving you crumbs.

Set yourself free and get a real man who has room for all of you and treats you like you deserve.
This man will only have your self esteem on the floor and you will get badly hurt if you stay any longer. He’s not worth it, seriously.

I KNOW this sounds awful and crazy, and honestly, I'm not that person, but being with him over the past few months has made me quite anxious and insecure and paranoid.

This isn't how a healthy relationship makes you feel and means it's not one you should stay in.

I've been super lush to him the whole time- we have amazing sex, I always try to make him feel super good, I cook him a lot of lovely food, give him gifts and generally try to be a lush girlfriend who's always thinking of nice things for us to do together. BECAUSE he was so off with me (even when we went to bed..really wasn't bothered about me being there, barely touched me, didn't look at me or chat to me) this made me feel really weird.

You've been consciously turning yourself inside out to try to be what you view as perfect. It isn't working because you aren't happy, and even if it was 'working' in as much as he was treating you well, it wouldn't be real anyway because it should NOT be a conscious effort to constantly be doing / saying / buying / accommodating things to make the other person happy. Healthy relationships feel equal, mutual and natural. Especially a few months / a year in.

Even taking the phone issue out of things for now, this is NOT a healthy, happy relationship. You're more invested than he is and he has different priorities to you because he is a father with a relationship with his ex that has tricky boundaries due to them sharing a child.

It takes a huge maturity and team work (from all adults involved) to make a relationship work with someone who has children. You sound young, idealistic and desperate to make this man happy to the point you've been playing at the perfect girlfriend but in the process perhaps realised people want genuine, not forced.

I think you should walk away, reassess your boundaries and expectations, enjoy being single for a while and only date again when you've realised that you shouldn't have to do all those things to sort of win someone over continually (organising things, buying loads of gifts, making loads of meals etc) because when it's a healthy relationship it's much easier than that. You both do nice things for each other because it's easy and fun and not real effort because it's genuine.

This isn't the one, OP.

This is just too much hard work It is not good for you so you need to leave it. Good relationships arnt like this please realise

I’m very sorry OP. I didn’t read further than where you wrote you became a shell of yourself

Just with that, you need to walk away. Not not walk, run, run far away. No one should make you feel that way

He’s probably turned off by you thinking everything is “lush”. Sorry you’re trying way too hard

You sound very young (I don't mean this in a bad way). Young enough to not need to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids.

You aren't happy. You haven't been together long and you have no ties to him. I would just walk away.

I am utterly lost. In all the lush everythingness, I have zero understanding how he has got a picture of his ex as a baby and why he sent it to, er, her. Like oh, I found a picture of you as a baby (because your mum sent it me when our child was born and oh, doesn’t it look like our Bobby) or, what? Oh, I robbed your parents house and took their baby album (weirder)?
Lush, I’m sure, but I’m a bit confused.
Anyway, you sound way too young to be bothering about some bloke with at least one kid (which also turned into multiples which also confused me) who appears to be (still? Sometimes?) living with the mother of his child/ren.
Get some self esteem and stop slaving over his mighty penis. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch.

Hold on a minute, why is he sending someone baby pictures of themselves?
And which part of the world are you in op? Because due to lockdown and no mixing of households, I wouldn't have thought you should be going round there anyway. Infact, use that as your reason to distance yourself completely.

I got as far as he’s making you anxious, paranoid and insecure.
Drop him, you don’t need it.

Run——————- Hills are that way >>>>>

In a kind way I can see why your mates are tired of your story. They are telling you the same thing as we are and we don't even know you. You just want confirmation from someone to tell you he is worth fighting for but you won't get it from them or us. You need to make a decision to stay or go for once and for all

I have no helpful advice - you have had plenty of that in previous posts - but why does he have pictures of her when she was a baby?

I have seen baby pictures of my OH but they certainly don't belong to me and I don't have any of them stored in my phone?

He’s snappy and angry, lacking boundaries with his ex, blows hot and cold, has you on edge, you’re bending over backwards to impress him and he’s ignoring you, you’re tense, obsessive, don’t recognise yourself, are driving your friends mad banging on about him. This is not the man you should be having children with, or dating. It’s been a year and you feel like you’re losing your mind, what do you expect to happen if you stay with him?

Being in a relationship should make your life easier. The other person should make you feel good about yourself.

Have you bought into a Hollywood version of romance where love is pain, it’s not real unless it’s dramatic and hard work and you have to fight to maintain the other person’s affection and attention?

I'm also wondering why he has baby pictures of her. But that's not even the point. Relationships shouldn't be this hard, even less so a year in. You're trying too hard for someone who isn't really into you.

He sounds a horrible person . Time for you to move on and find someone new who won't treat you like this - not talking to you FFS!

NOTHING you wrote about him, your relationship sounds like fun!

You really do have to ask yourself why you stay with him. What is he good for?

Too much drama going on within the first year...I'd walk away.