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Original poster

So angry with my husband

55 replies

stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:29

A bit of background. Before I met my dh he was married with a ds. He split up from exwife at her instigation and they divorced. She went on to have 2 more children with a new partner.

We met some years later when I was 36 and went out for 4 years before we got married. From the start I made it quite clear that it was very important to me to have children. We got married when I was 40 and had a ds a year later. I've now been unsuccessfully TTC no 2 for 3 years and in this time have had 2 mc.

I've now reached the stage where I'm so angry with him for making me wait for 4 years before we got married. I feel that it is his fault that I'm desperate for another baby at 44 and can't have one and that I've had 2 quite traumatic mc. I've tried to understand that being divorced made him more cautious but at the end of the day I feel that he didn't take my declining fertility all that seriously. I compromised in the sense that it has made life much more difficult for me to have a dss. He just did what felt right for him. Please don't tell me that I'm lucky to have one because I know that. I'm now getting to the stage where I'm so angry with him that I don't want him near me.

OP posts:
pigletmaker · 16/10/2007 20:32

Is your anger and frustration with him a reflection of your frustration with trying to conceive by any chance? Are you undergoing any kind of IVF that might unbalance your hormone levels?

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this, it must feel destructive. I hope you find a way out of it.

moondog · 16/10/2007 20:33

How did you feel in those 4 years?

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:41

I think that the way I'm feeling is in part related to the TTC failure but we're not having any fertility treatment. I spoke to my GP who just said 'old eggs' so there's really very little point in going down that route.

During the 4 years, moondog, I really felt like 3rd best after his exw and dss. Everything revolved around them especially exw who really must not be displeased because she controlled access to dss and would use any excuse to avoid contact. When she visited I had to hide all evidence of myself and was nver allowed to meet dss because she didn't want that to happen. This was all despite the fact that she had gone on to remarry and have more children of her own.

OP posts:
moondog · 16/10/2007 20:42

Oh God.
Sounds dreadful

Can I ask why you married then?
Did you feel it was your last chance saloon?
(Sorry,hope it doesn't sound rude)

peggotty · 16/10/2007 20:45

In all fairness to your dh, his ex-w's attitude towards you was not his fault. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment about his 'first' family in general.

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:45

You're probably right to some extent, md. He does have many good qualities though.

OP posts:
moondog · 16/10/2007 20:46

Have you ever really thrashed it out with him?

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:46

To some extent I feel that in behaving as she did she has deprived me of my own family.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:48

I've never thrashed it out. We nearly split up over it before we got married though. He knows that I feel quite angry but I don't think he appreciates the extent of it. In some ways I'm scared to really tell him in case I end up walking away and splitting up my own family. I feel that in the past he has been quite spineless.

OP posts:
moondog · 16/10/2007 20:48

Yes but you made the decsion to put up with her (not defending her by the way).We can't control how people act but we can control our responses to those acts,yes?

WideWebWitch · 16/10/2007 20:49

Blimey. So four years later you're cross with him for not having children when you were 36? And now you're 44? And you DO have a child with him? It seems you're being a bit unfair to your dh to me. And it seems to me that now you're having a hard time having another that you're blaming him in retrospect. He can't change the past. It's not his fault you're having dificulty having another now.

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:50

You're right, I did make the decision to be with him but I didn't know that I would continue to feel like this, nor that I would find my only family cut short as a result of it. I don't want to feel like this believe me.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 16/10/2007 20:50

I'm really sorry for your difficulty in conceiving.

I can appreciate your anger with your husband, does he have any idea how you feel? Did he know how you felt during those years from 36-40?

I do think though that it's very unfair to entirely blame your dh for your current predicament. It seems from your op that you knew that you wanted children but didn't start to want to ttc until you were 36. I appreciate that there are likely to be very good reasons for this and you probably made what you felt were the right choices at the time but actually even 36 isn't young to start to ttc.

You acknowledge that your dh's previous experiences made him wary in committing to you and having further dc after his first marriage broke down. It sounds like he really wanted his dc to have a stable family life and that this was his priority over how many dc he could have with you.

I really hope that you find some resolution to your feelings both with regard to your lack of success in the ttc and with your relationship with your husband.

WideWebWitch · 16/10/2007 20:51

Just read the rest of your posts. So actually, you have an issue with his being married before and the relationship he has with his ex wife and their son. It sounds like he didn't want to jeopardise his access to his son so he went along with whatever was necessary to get that sorted. Which sounds like the kind of thing a decent bloke who loves his child would do.

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:52

www, I think that to some extent it is his fault that I'm having difficulty having a second child because he dithered about for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:54

He no longer has a relationship with his exw and dss. After we had got married he told me that dss had been adopted by his exw and her new husband. I was so shocked that I had married a man who was capable of this. He apparently hadn't thought to tell me before because it didn't concern me.

OP posts:
peggotty · 16/10/2007 20:55

I can see that him delaying things for those 4 years while there was a lot of bitterness and upset between him and his ex could be seen by you as him being 'selfish' but he was trying to deal with the issue of maintaining contact with his ds, concentrating on that. I think that he was concentrating on existing children, not on having more 'hypothetical' children iykwim. Not that this makes it any easier for you, I'm just trying to understand why he might have delayed having more children. He couldn't have forseen the problems you've been having. Was he upset at your mcs?

moondog · 16/10/2007 20:55

???
He hid you away to see his ds and now he doesn't see ds AT ALL????

Santasmissyontheside · 16/10/2007 20:55

I can't offer you much advice and my situation is not like yours. But like you my dh was married before with a child and i find it incredibly hard sometimes to deal with his past. And makes me angry sometimes that he has it. As stupid as that sounds.

WideWebWitch · 16/10/2007 20:56

I think you're being unfair to your dh and you have to find a way to move on from the anger and bitterness about not being able to have another. You can't blame him, you met a man who already had a child and whose ex wife was controlling about access. So it sounds as if he was understandably wary.

You made a choice to wait 4 years, or to agree to wait until you were married/he wanted to commit. You could have walked away at 36. You chose not to. You did have a child and it's not your dh's fault (or yours) if you're having difficulty conceiving again. It's not the end of the world imo and you should focus on salvaging your marriage and ditching the bitterness.

Because you cannot change the past, that's for sure. You could talk to him about how you feel but not in accusatory fashion, I don't think that would be fair.
all imo of course

Original poster
stripycurtains · 16/10/2007 20:57

Ladada, I wanted children for many years before 36 but for 10 years was with a partner who wouldn't commit and eventually told me he didn't see a future for us together and so we split up. He remains single by the way and seems to have had second thoughts as he's tried to get in touch though friends but I've never responded and have no intention of doing so.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 16/10/2007 20:57

Why would the new husband adopting make any difference? Your dh is still his son's father. Why doesn't he see him now?

meemar · 16/10/2007 21:00

I agree with everything WWW has said.

But I do sympathise with you deeply. It's horrible that women are a slave to the biological clock

moondog · 16/10/2007 21:03

Stripy,do you taKE SOME RESponsibility for what is obviously a pattern of hanging about with men who dither???

fondant4000 · 16/10/2007 21:03

Not being able ttc is nobody's fault. You both made decisions together, you're married so you're both responsible - not just your dh.

I met my dh at 32, took 4 years till he was ready to have children due to his financial situation. I accepted his reasons and stayed with him, despite wanting children. When he was ready, I had 5 mcs from age 36-39 and finally had a dd at 40.

We didn't expect to have problems (even tho' we probably should), so it was a shock to both of us when we did. If you're going to come through this, you have to do it together. Can you accept that it was a joint decision, nobody's fault, something neither of you could reasonably have foreseen and move on?

I know it's hard to accept the possibility of not having another child, but blame isn't going to help either of you, your relationship, or more importantly your living child.

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