So angry with my husband

[stripycurtains]

A bit of background. Before I met my dh he was married with a ds. He split up from exwife at her instigation and they divorced. She went on to have 2 more children with a new partner.

We met some years later when I was 36 and went out for 4 years before we got married. From the start I made it quite clear that it was very important to me to have children. We got married when I was 40 and had a ds a year later. I've now been unsuccessfully TTC no 2 for 3 years and in this time have had 2 mc.

I've now reached the stage where I'm so angry with him for making me wait for 4 years before we got married. I feel that it is his fault that I'm desperate for another baby at 44 and can't have one and that I've had 2 quite traumatic mc. I've tried to understand that being divorced made him more cautious but at the end of the day I feel that he didn't take my declining fertility all that seriously. I compromised in the sense that it has made life much more difficult for me to have a dss. He just did what felt right for him. Please don't tell me that I'm lucky to have one because I know that. I'm now getting to the stage where I'm so angry with him that I don't want him near me.

stripey, I think your anger is misdirected. It takes time to get to know someone, to decide that that person is right for you, and to make the huge step to have a child together. You can't blame your dh for not rushing into things because of your biological clock. It's not his fault that you were 36 when you met each other, if anything you need to look at why you were content to be messed around for the previous 10 years by someone unwilling to commit.
In any case, there's no point in apportioning blame now, what's done is done, you can't change it and there's no point in wallowing in bitterness. Accept what you have, learn to love it and move on.

I've no experience of step families, and hope I never have to, but I'm sure it must be difficult.

However I don't think you can fairly blame your husband for wanting to make sure he made the right decision second time around. I'm sure I would.

You clearly have to deal with your anger in some way, and also your regrets, because you'll be jeopardising all that you value in your life if you don't, and punishing your husband and DS (who I'm sure you love immeasurably) basically because of circumstance.

You have all of this anger and resentment inside you for a reason. Often when things don't go our way we want someone to blame, and that is a way of dealing with that anger. I think a lot of your points are very valid and I think I'd feel the same.

Ultimately though this is going to destroy your family. Whatever anyone else thinks, the fact that you feel this way means that it is valid and needs to be addressed. I really think you should see a counsellor to help come to terms with all of this. It is not your fault you feel this way and you have been through a hell of a lot. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

And don't shut your dh out either. You really should be talking all of this through with him.

The only thing that concerns me in here is the fact that he went along for so many years pandering to his ex's demands over seeing his son. And then decided to walk away. If he felt that strongly about doing whatever it takes to see his son, then what changed?
To be honest, if this were me, that fact alone would make me angry at him - why put your relationship on hold for all those years for his son (fair enough that a parent would always put their child ahead of a new relationship) but then decide to just give up and walk away??

But Baffy, everyone has a breaking point. People stay in abusive relationships for years and then one thing makes them leave - or realise that the abuse will never change. Perhaps in some way, this guy's relationship with his ex just reached a point where he had had enough - and he made a really tough decision.

I don't think that we know enough to comment, but I do think that Stripy needs to get down to the nitty gritty with her DH, in a non-threatening way, and get all her concerns out in the open. She may find that he has been bottling stuff up about his relationship with his first son and it might just make things better.

totally agree Anonymama

stripy I think the very best thing for you at the moment will be to talk talk talk this through with dh. on your own, with a counsellor, whatever suits both of you. don't let it build up any longer - you both can't bottle all of this up forever. I hope you're ok?