Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone fimiliar with FACEBOOK???????

69 replies

spogs · 16/10/2007 19:45

Hi my partner vists this site regulary and unknown to him i have his password on his account...... there is a message on there from an ex girlfriend saying hi etc and asking if they could meet up as she in the area....as she lives far away. he has not said yes or no and he does not know i know the date is nov the 6th so what do i do comfront him and blow the fact i cant spy on him anymore as he will change password or do i sit tight and watch what the messages go like to see if he meets her??????

OP posts:
nappynuttynormabutty · 16/10/2007 19:49

Is the message a private email one or is it on his profile for everyone to see? Are you worried he'd cheat if he meets up with her? Perhaps she's his ex for a reason.

FWIW my dh is still friends with his ex. I don't have a problem with it.

TheDuchess · 16/10/2007 19:50

Why would you check his email? Eavesdroppers never hear good things...

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 19:51

yes its in his private e-mail and he said to her michelle comes on here as i joined you see to see what it was all about and he said so must keep conversations private so i am inclined to feel unnerved by this......

OP posts:
Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 19:52

because i have caught him before texting and chatting to other women

OP posts:
puffling · 16/10/2007 19:53

It would be seriously out of order for him to meet her, so I'd be tempted to sit tight and wait and see what he does.
However, you're already being secretivwe yourself, so perhaps the nobler thing to do would be to forget what you saw, or come clean.

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 19:54

but what if he does meet her nov the 6th will be a nightmare as i will be thinking he is with her

OP posts:
puffling · 16/10/2007 19:55

Now I've read your other messages I can see why you're concerned. Even if he's not been physically unfaithful, he's going behind your back and therefore not to be trusted. Do you want to stay with him?

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 19:56

god yes i love him and we have two children together one of which is only 5 mths......but if he meets her how can i trust him and if its innocent wht the big secret

OP posts:
Tinker · 16/10/2007 19:57

If it's got form I'd be watching as well, I'm afraid to say

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 19:59

im angry and will find it hard to not say anything when he comes in later...... but i know if i say something i will have shot myself as he will change password and i will never know she is bloody engaged and i know she keeps it from her other half to as he said can you talk i will call you

OP posts:
geekymummy · 16/10/2007 19:59

I wouldn't normally agree with snooping, but I can see why you'd want to if you feel you have a reason to i.e. suspicious behaviour or other good grounds to distrust them.

I'd keep mum for now and watch for any shifty behaviour seeing as he hasn't responded to her request to meet up. And mark that message as unread!

Just ask yourself if you can handle finding undesirable information...

Tinker · 16/10/2007 20:00

he not it, sorry

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 20:01

what tinker?

OP posts:
starshaker · 16/10/2007 20:02

hold tight and see what happens.

Tinker · 16/10/2007 20:02
Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 20:05

think i will xx but if he meets her what do i do then?

OP posts:
skidoodle · 16/10/2007 20:05

You don't trust your husband and he deliberately hides contact with other women from you and is open about that deception to them.

So that's your problem. Whether he meets her or not means nothing. Whether he changes his password or not means nothing.

You know what you need to know: there is a really serious problem in your relationship related to trust and loyalty and you guys need to deal with it right now.

There are two children involved here, for god's sake don't wait around until November to deal with this. You guys need to get into counselling and pronto.

Things are broken. You don't fix them by spying on someone you're meant to be able to trust with your life.

Original poster
spogs · 16/10/2007 20:07

your right .......... 100%

OP posts:
Butkin · 16/10/2007 23:23

I agree with Skidoodle. In the meantime get your diary out and deliberatly plan for you to do something with him on Nov 6th. I know it may be difficult with young ones but perhaps get a baby sitter and plan to go out to cinema/dinner etc. That will test his loyalty out. If he doesn't want to go with you then your relationship is in big trouble. If he does want to be with you the Relate can probably fill in the cracks.

mamazon · 16/10/2007 23:25

i have got in touch with an old boyfriend on facebook.

he has dropped in whilst at work and said hi.

there is absolutly nothing in it other than a trip down memory lane amd a chat abotu how our lives have gone.

try not to panic, set your own account up and then you can add him and see his friends list legitimatley.
then you can ask who she is.

PregnantGrrrl · 17/10/2007 07:23

what's wrong with just talking to him? why do people seem to find the need for ploys / snooping etc, i don't understand why people aren't just upfront and honest about what they know / feel

hatingtoberight · 17/10/2007 07:44

I was never one to snoop - until I suspected my DH of ahving a bit of an inapproprpraite relationsihp with someone at work. I went into his emials and unfortunatley had my suspicions confirmed. (seee previous threads if you want to relive my experince!)I felt terrible for doig it - but the thought that I wouldn't have known waht ws goign on was worse. Seeing the emails also meant that I knew exactly what was going on and not having to rely on his version ( and I'm sorry, but men are notoriously bad at coming totally clean if they think it is going to make it easier for them)

So I say carry on for a while - prepare yourself for being hurt even if nothign actually happens. - consider very carefully when or it you tell you DH.

I know I will get shot down fro appearing so sneaky - but I felt under threat and also needed to do it for my family and my sanity.

bealcain · 17/10/2007 07:50

Spogs, i have to say i agree with Butkin.

i am totally addicted to facebook and hav met so many old friends on there, some were ex boyfriends and i think we might meet up again, but in a group with all our other old friends. i have told DF and he is a very jealous person so kicked off, before i could fully explain.

it might be totally innocent, he's just scared of how you'll react.

i'm in a minority here and say good on you for snooping. i dont think it's a trust thing at all i think it's jsuy being inquisitive. i have DF's PW for facebook and emails and stuff and yea i check it out, but then he checks my phone without me knowing (well thinks i dont know) reallt doesn't mean there's any less trust.

Just look his friends list from your profile and ask who she is, and some others aswell in case he gts suspicious

wannaBe · 17/10/2007 09:26

those of you that feel that snooping is ok, would you be as understanding of it if your partners were checking your email/facebook/mobile?

To the op, you say your dh was texting other women before, were the texts of a sexual nature? Did he actually have affairs with them? or does he just have female friends that you don't approve of? Because there is a differenc.
e
Is it possible that your dh hasn't told you about all this because he knows you don't trust him and doesn't want an inquisition about it all?

I have male friends. i text them, I have them on msn and facebook, and occasionally, very occasionally, I meet up with one of them. My dh is fully aware of this as I have nothing to hide, but I don't tell him about every text/email I have from every one of them because it's all innocent and really I don't have to tell him every part of my life. But that doesn't mean I'm cheating on him with any of them - it just means that I don't feel the need to tell him about every contact I have with other men, after all I don't tell him about all contact I've had with other women so why should men be any different? But it's not a secret iyswim. But if my dh suddenly started to question every contact I had, started reading my emails and texts, started to mistrust me, then I might well start being more secretive about it, not because I have anything to hide, but to avoid an inquisition.

If you really think your dh is cheating on you, then confront him. All this snooping around really isn't going to achieve anything other than a lot of hurt/upset.

cestlavie · 17/10/2007 11:09

Hi, you said you were looking for a guy's opinion in the men's room...

Firstly, despite what other people say, if you're checking up on him, you don't trust him (maybe justifiably, maybe not). I think I have a couple of DW's passwords from when she's asked me to check her hotmail in the past but I'd simply never check her mail or Facebook account unless she asked me to. Why would I want to unless I didn't trust her?

Secondly, both of us are on Facebook. One of her ex's from ages ago got in touch with her recently and they've been swapping mails. They might get round to meeting up though he's moving out the area soon so maybe not. If she wants to, that's absolutely fine with me. I'd go with her if she wanted me to but to be quite honest, am really not bothered, not least cos it'd mean sorting out a babysitter.

Thirdly, it's the 21st century. I'd really expect people to have male and female friends, including obviously from their past lives. I was out last night with a girl from university who I used to live with (in a house-mate way) til late. DW is off out tonight with a group of mates, single/married, male/female she used to work with.

Personally I can't see why anyone would ever be bothered about partners hanging out with people of the opposite sex or who would want to check their partner's mail/phone etc. unless they fundamentally didn't trust them. Am I wrong here?