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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is anyone fimiliar with FACEBOOK???????

69 replies

spogs · 16/10/2007 19:45

Hi my partner vists this site regulary and unknown to him i have his password on his account...... there is a message on there from an ex girlfriend saying hi etc and asking if they could meet up as she in the area....as she lives far away. he has not said yes or no and he does not know i know the date is nov the 6th so what do i do comfront him and blow the fact i cant spy on him anymore as he will change password or do i sit tight and watch what the messages go like to see if he meets her??????

OP posts:

susiecutiebananas · 19/10/2007 01:05

interesting to hear that the HORRIBLE physical reaction I had, followed of course by the emotions was not unique to me. I thought i would throw up on the spot. I think it is the worst feeling i have ever experienced. Never never never again....

I kind of came to the conclusion all those years ago, that there is nothing in the world you can actually do to stop someone doing it. you can love them,care for them, even nurture them, be the best friend and sole mate to each other. have a fantastic relationship. it still happens. If they want to do it , they will. knowing about it makes it no easier.

No, im not a doormat. no, i dont want it to happen to me ever again. but the way it destroyed every single ounce of self worth i had, i wish i'd never known, and certainly not in the way i did.

he can bare the burdon of his conscience for the rest of his life, i dont want the painful weight of it on my shoulders too thank you.

Baffy · 19/10/2007 09:25

susie - totally agree with your last post, really good post

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 09:25

Pan I don't misunderstand at all. People obviously differ as do relationships. Snooping is not good.. certianly not.. but any form of "cheating" is worse. It is virtually impossible to ignore that awful feeling of dread born of suspecting your other half is up to no good.. and then not do anything about it. Particularly as most partners (and I have to say men.. it's psychologically proven.. it's the Mars and Venus thing) will lie if they think they can possibly get away with it.

What is a person to do? Ignore that awful fear, so as not to "invade their partner's privacy"? Put their head in the sand and say to themselves "I think he's (she's) up to something.. but he (she!) won't admit it, I have no choice but to miserably put up with it or put my head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening, because to snoop would be wrong!" Come on get real.. this is the real world.. real relationships get messy sometimes. It is not cut and dried.. you can love you partner to distraction but still be driven to snoop on him (her!), just the other partner can actually love her back but still have cheated in some way, even if he regrets it/realised he's made a mistake. (Excuse the he.. I know it can cut both ways).

And that feeling of guilt/conscience, of knowing you about to snoop is nothing compared to the shock/grief of finding out your fears were correct. Are you saying to NOT snoop and therefore NOT to find out the truth is the way to go?? Isn't that akin to living in la-la land??

Original poster

spogs · 19/10/2007 10:12

im with you 100%on that one purple....

OP posts:

bealcain · 19/10/2007 16:26

Spogs - has he come back yet? how did it all kick off, like someone lse said, did you say you were snooping or just be inquisitve about the woman on facebook?

hope things are ok.....

Original poster

spogs · 19/10/2007 19:00

yes he came back last night we chatted and he agrees but says he cant help himself like its some form of addiction i cant understand it myself

OP posts:

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 19:12

Yes it is an addiction Spogs. It can be overcome and there are online sites that can help with that, but most of all I would recommend Relate. But he has to want to and to really be committed. And he has to understand how this has affected you and your reltationship and the possible repercussions of that. Relate can help with that as well. They see this all the time.

Original poster

spogs · 19/10/2007 19:20

whats the sites please xxx

OP posts:

susiecutiebananas · 19/10/2007 20:20

Thank you Baffy

Call it what you will Purple... its NOT la la land at all. its called self preservation . plain and simple.

it is also called, letting him make his bed and lie in it. I do NOT need his guilty conscience off loaded on to me, just so he feels better. he can carry it forever. it can eat away at him, and churn him up. ( i'm clearly not talking about my dh)

I dont ever want that feeling ever again. the feeling that the whole world just fell away from beneath my feet. palpitations, nausea, shaking, head spinning, feeling deathly cold...

if not going looking for something in the first place is the only way to avoid it, then avoid it I will.

All that aside, over the last few years I have learnt how important someones personal space is. it is not my right, as his wife, to know every thing in his life. It is not my right, to know who all the people are in his phone book. to know who he is talking to on the phone, or emailing. I would hope he would tell me all these things,and trust there are no nasty secrets i'd not want to know, but if he chooses not to, then its nit up to me to go and find out for myself.

One of the most fundamental things in all of this, is that if someone feels trusted, wholly, and not questioned, quizzed, mis trusted, suspected etc... then they have far more respect for that trust than if you are the opposite.

my exH even told me that as he knew i didnt trust him, there didnt seem much point... i expected him to do it so he did. nothing to lose, he wasnt breaking my trust it only pricked his conscience mildly. !! yeah i know, load of shit, self justification.. but, alot of what he said made sense. unfortunately.

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 20:34

SCB, perhaps the fact that he is your xH is the relevant factor here. I realise that someone may choose not to look for evidence by way of self preservation and I appreciate what you are saying about the nausea, palpitations etc completely. But if a person is hoping to salvage a relationship where this kind of deceit is occuring or has occured (and I mean the man with the habit, not the woman who snoops) then it really is no good putting your head in the sand and thinking "what I don't know can't hurt me". Actually it can. She will know regardless and will lose a part of herself in the process (maybe her sanity!). There are things that can be ignored and there are things that cannot.

If he is caught out, is sorry and wants to stop doing it, even if he relapses, then the relationship has a chance. If he is caught out and doesn't want to stop, or wants to pretend to and then carry on going behind her back, the relationship is doomed. And if she is willing to turn a blind eye so as to be with him, then it is not a healthy relationship and is doomed anyway.

Giving someone their personal space does NOT mean leaving them alone to do things that damage the relationship by killing the trust and costing the woman her well being and self esteem.

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 20:35

Sorry Spogs, I will find out the site in question that I am thinking of

susiecutiebananas · 19/10/2007 20:46

I wasnt suggesting that giving someone their personal space is the same as allowing them to do x y and z at all. I didnt meant to infer that.

I was trying to say that by being trusting in this way, by not expecting to know everything your other half is up to usually results in greater respect for the space, etc that you give them. I dont think i'm explaining myself very well here...

he is my exH but I am now married again. I did have suspicions with my Dh last year. it was a horrible and consuming feeling. I didnt go looking, yet i found out that i was wrong in what i thought, via different means. I am glad i didnt invade his personal space/ belongingsin an attempt to prove myself 'right.'

Clearly you and I wont agree on this in the slightest. I'm talking from my experience, and the way i have found to cope with something that utterly destroyed me. I'm not burying my head in the sand either.

incidentally, the affair i personally found out about was not the first. I knew that there was one before from his behaviour. I didnt need to get evidence. I just knew. I chose to let it go, and work at our relationship, and he did the same. unfortunatley, he did it again, despite my love, support forgiveness etc... like i said before , if someone is going to do it nothing you do or say will stop them.

sorry to go on, but its a subject that really effects me. I know you and I will not agree on it

susiecutiebananas · 19/10/2007 20:55

Also, just picking up on you saying 'she will know anyway' I agree. you do know when you know someone is doing the dirty. Its the oddest thing. I think it the curse of womens intuition too! I wish that you didnt know these things! ( by you I mean one )

I would hope that if I 'knew' again, and really really knew, not just suspected... that my Dh would have enough respect for me to admit it when confronted. there are ways to confront, and saying 'ive looked at your phone' only makes them defensive in the first instance...

the option is to say: I know you are having an affair. admit it to me, and maybe we can move forward. dont admit it and you will lose me, and any chance of salvaging the relationship. ( this is what i did with exH.)

OR prove me to be totally and utterly wrong. and deal with the fall out of the accusation if you are proved wrong.

If they do not admit to it, and you do 'know' then any respect that may be lurking there is long gone and they do not want to sort things out and move on together, with councelling/ working at it etc. but of course, this is all IMVHO!! ]

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2007 21:05

SCB we are not that far apart in our thinking at all actually. And of course I am talking from experience also, I wouldn't presume to comment otherwise

bealcain · 20/10/2007 10:02

was it innocent chat then that he couldn't help spogs? or did he have soemthing else in mind?

Tortington · 23/10/2007 00:14

TELL HIM IF THE [ASSWORD CHAnges - yopu will knpow - sdo fuck th fuck off.

expatinscotland · 23/10/2007 00:21

i think i found an old friend on there, but when i tried to message her i got a 'could not open socket' message.

fuck.

that sucks.

jasper · 23/10/2007 00:40

susie , very well put.

EricL · 23/10/2007 16:37

This issue has been visited a number of times.

I still think that none of us should be doing things on-line that we wouldn't want our partners to see. That's my mantra anyway.

It's about trust and honesty really. If he is hiding stuff from you then this is bad news.

Be careful about sneaking about behind his back though. I don't know about Facebook at all but just watch that it doesn't display when you were last logged on or something like that if you want to hide the fact you were snooping.

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