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Original poster

Constant niggles in lockdown

39 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 09:59

Have come on to share this as I'm not sure whether this is just a symptom of lockdown and being stuck in the same house 24/7 (WFH) and not seeing anyone else, or if we have bigger problems. Is anyone else's husband completely and utterly doing their heads in at the moment? Here are the things which are niggling. Tell me if I'm being a bitch or if he is being irritating:-

Constant negativity about everything. Couple of examples: goes out for a run yesterday, and I ask him how it was when he got back. Cue a barrage of complaints about people not social distancing and him having to run into the road. Second thing yesterday was that we are looking at buying a new TV and he is researching the options (he's doing it as he knows more about them than I do and let's face it, it's a man thing). I say 'ooh are you excited about getting a new TV because I am' and the response is 'I'm actually finding it really stressful as you expect me to do all the research and come up with the best option'

Constant mansplaining about everything - takes forever to finish what he's saying and then accuses me of talking over him when I can't actually tell if he's finished what he was saying and I had been waiting forever to speak.

Seems to constantly be annoyed with me about something or other, and I can never tell what I've supposedly done wrong. He just mooches around with a face on until I have to ask him what's wrong.

If I try to raise something which is irritating me, he flounces. And then gets mad when I accuse him of flouncing. So stop flouncing then!!!

It all feels a bit petty when I read it back but I just feel a bit worn down by the atmosphere in the house. What doesn't help is that we have quite opposing views of lockdown / restrictions etc. So there's lots of moaning on his part about people not following rules, whereas I'm just desperate for my gym to reopen so that I can escape the house for an hour every day!

Am happy to be told I need to be more tolerant if that's the case.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/11/2020 10:03

He sounds like a knob

category12 · 09/11/2020 10:05

I think you need to escape the house an hour a day whether your gym is open or not.

You're massively getting on each other's nerves, but difficult to say if that's turning into something fracturing or whether in normal times you'd be OK.

Give each other space. Go out. Spend time talking to other people and perhaps do something like play a game together in the evenings rather than mooching around annoying each other?

MackenCheese · 09/11/2020 10:06

I could have written your post, OP! My husband is the same. I think it is low level depression/anxiety, for which he has refused to seek help. Sadly this has been going on for 10 years ( married for 14 years) and I have had enough. We are separating for this and other reasons this month and I cannot wait! I would also add that the mansplaining and not pausing for breath - while I impatiently wait to get a word in - is possibly an autistic trait, as my ds has autism and when he was diagnosed I could see the features in my dh.....

thepeopleversuswork · 09/11/2020 10:07

Well you can't have it both ways... you say researching a TV is "a man thing"... I mean I wouldn't find researching a TV particularly exciting either but its got bugger all to do with your genitalia. And then you go on to accuse him of "mansplaining". Either you see one another as equals and require an equal relationship or you don't and you can't cherrypick the its of feminism you want.

But that's a bit of an irrelevance. He does sound grumpy and a bit entitled and as if he takes you for granted. It sounds like contempt is creeping into your relationship and that isn't a good look. I think you need to confront him on this and say that constant negativity is grinding you down. And see what his reaction is.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/11/2020 10:08

He sounds intolerably irritating. And full of himself.

Lockdown is obviously bringing out the worst in him.

No advice, just sympathy Brew

Campurp · 09/11/2020 10:08

No, I couldn’t deal with this long term.
When my DH starts acting a fool I make note of the things he does over a few days. I then ask him to have a chat and tell him whats on my mind, he’ll inevitably have his back up and ask for examples and I’ll give them to him from my notes! I then leave him to stew and he soon realises that he’s been a dickhead and there’s usually something beneath that we then discuss.
Communication really is what’s needed here as it seems like you’re not speaking each others language. It’s common when you’ve been together a while so just work out how to adjust.

Another thing we’ve done is read the 5 love languages book. We now can identify each others love languages which helps us be on the same page. Nothing worse than not feeling appreciated by your partner, when they feel they’re always making it known.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 10:09

I was partly joking about the TV research being a 'man thing' but I take your point.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/11/2020 10:10

Well you can't have it both ways... you say researching a TV is "a man thing"... I mean I wouldn't find researching a TV particularly exciting either but its got bugger all to do with your genitalia. And then you go on to accuse him of "mansplaining". Either you see one another as equals and require an equal relationship or you don't and you can't cherrypick the its of feminism you want.

Have to agree with this.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 10:42

Use of the word 'mansplaining' quite aptly sums up what he does....didn't realise I was being sexist!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 10:59

I would also add that the mansplaining and not pausing for breath - while I impatiently wait to get a word in - is possibly an autistic trait, as my ds has autism and when he was diagnosed I could see the features in my dh.....

This is interesting @MackenCheese - he sometimes jokingly says he thinks he's on the spectrum and I also think his son has autistic traits.

Good luck with your separation.

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 09/11/2020 11:33

I suspect you're irritating each other.

He is possibly struggling with lockdown and low level depression. Certainly, he's allowing other people's lack of rule -following to rile him up way too much (and I sympathise as I find the under-nose-mask wearers enough to send my blood pressure soaring. Which I totally appreciate is an over reaction). He's also going on and on about things.

But then, we're generally told in conversation it's not polite to simply wait for an opening. We're supposed to be actually listening to the other person, which you clearly aren't.

Ditto, is he researching the TV because he said, "darling, this is something I am much better at so let me do it" or is he researching the tv because you just don't feel like doing it?

I think you should be making an effort to get out of the house at least once a day, alone. And also giving each other some space.

Tigresswoods · 09/11/2020 11:36

Yes yes yes! So we had a massive row on Friday & cleared the air. Really helped & he's been better since.

category12 · 09/11/2020 12:15

No, mansplaining is a perfectly reasonable terminology to use if he's basically over-explaining things to you because he's the man and you're the woman. But then it's a bit rich to also buy into technology research being a "blue" job.

Also you say you're bringing up your irritations with him and he flounces - what sort of thing are you bringing up? Does it really need airing? I mean some stuff is worth discussing and resolving, and some things are worth overlooking - can you give examples?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 12:26

Re the question about whether I'm listening to him, quite frankly no I'm not because it's the same old rants again and again and I'm bored of them! I also have to listen to work related rants about various members of his team who I've never even met. Repeat this over and over and I would challenge you to keep listening... Feel like this makes me sound unsupportive now but there's only so many times you can listen to the same old thing. I'm used to WFH without him at home and being able to get on with my day with no distractions. Now he's at home as well it's a different story.

Re the TV research - he works in IT. He knows about this stuff. I just want a big telly with a good picture and all of the tv apps I need. I have simple requirements. Whereas he gets into all of the techy details which I'm not interested in.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 14:02

@category12 I'm trying to think of flouncing examples....so a while back he took to just leaving cupboard doors open in the kitchen and I asked him to close them when he'd finished otherwise I'd have to follow him around and do it after him.....minor flounce at this one. Last night he chucked his pillows across the top of the bed so that they were pretty much on my side. I asked him to move over a bit and give me a space which resulted in him just throwing them on the floor. But then we had been bickering just before bed so this possibly initiated a more exaggerated childish reaction

OP posts:
sophmum31 · 09/11/2020 14:18

My husband and I separated during lockdown 1. We had many deep rooted issues which really caused the split but one of the straws that broke the camels back was exactly what you are talking about. He literally ranted on and on and on about everything. Covid rules, people not sticking to Covid rules, the government, Dominic Cummings, the questions in the briefings, him being stuck in, our daughter moving and making noise, Not being about to go to the gym, xyz at work. Every single word out of his mouth was a negative rant, didn’t matter if I listened, my input wasn’t actually needed or wanted.

I realised one day that every single time he talked I faced the other way so I could roll my eyes and make faces without him seeing. You have my sympathy and I have no advice for you, just support!

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 14:32

@sophmum31 wow I'm sorry to hear that, sounds very similar. What I'm struggling with is that we were ok before we were stuck in the house together 24/7. We've only been married 2.5 years.

He has himself worked up about Covid as he's convinced he'll die if he gets it (he has an underlying health condition). And whilst I'm obviously mindful and sympathetic to this, I can't stand the constant moans about people not stepping out of the way/non mask wearing/etc etc. He's supportive of this current lockdown, whilst I'm not. So we have to just avoid the whole subject or we argue.

OP posts:
Titsinknicks · 09/11/2020 14:36

Sounds like he's as annoyed as you are by him tbh. But normal. DP was doing my head in last week. Better over the weekend. Get out, do your own things.

He sounds very stressed - are you adequately empathising? Doing nice things for each other? Tell him how you feel.

widespreadpanic · 09/11/2020 14:47

I knew the lockdowns would cause these types of things issues because on average most of us do not spend 24/7 with anyone on a daily basis unless they are stay home parents.

I don’t live with anyone but I know I’d be an arse if I had to be around some all day every day for months. I’m an introvert and I need space and alone time and when I don’t get it I get crabby.

So just tell him he’s being an arse and not to take his frustrations out on you. Then let it be, it’s not worth getting too upset about.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 14:48

I've told him how I feel. That I can't keep getting dragged down with covid moans. The response I got was 'oh so you don't give a fuck about non compliance, so I'm not allowed to either?' Erm no. Give a fuck all you like. But I can't listen to any more moaning about it.

OP posts:
itsgettingcoldoutside · 09/11/2020 15:29

I think perhaps your not the only one. I get constant criticism. He then says he is not criticising but says I'm being lazy for not getting up, when I spent most of the night in pain and unable to sleep because of the pain!!

nosswith · 09/11/2020 17:10

Not good but I suspect it is the restrictions aka lockdown. See how it is by January.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/11/2020 19:53

Bloody hell I'm not sure I can last til January. Latest criticism is that it's my fault he's exhausted today as he was stressed about us arguing and couldn't sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/11/2020 10:31

Sorry but I need to resurrect this as husband has disappeared this morning with no explanation as to where he is. When I messaged him to ask him is he not working today (he works from home) I get the message that he's 'taking care of his health.' So I'm a bit Hmm and he says he's been to the doctor's because he's stressed and he now needs to de-stress, presumably away from me.

I feel like this is a massive guilt trip and a tad dramatic. He does have an underlying health condition which is triggered by stress, but does that honestly mean that I have to tiptoe around him for ever more? Honestly don't know what to do (other than change the locks while he's out...)

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 10/11/2020 14:05

He's clearly very self absorbed. I still think there's some compromise that should be happening and that you feel like you're the one doing the compromising by letting him rant sometimes.

If he's seeking medical help, I'd see that as a plus.