Constant niggles in lockdown

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Have come on to share this as I'm not sure whether this is just a symptom of lockdown and being stuck in the same house 24/7 (WFH) and not seeing anyone else, or if we have bigger problems. Is anyone else's husband completely and utterly doing their heads in at the moment? Here are the things which are niggling. Tell me if I'm being a bitch or if he is being irritating:-

Constant negativity about everything. Couple of examples: goes out for a run yesterday, and I ask him how it was when he got back. Cue a barrage of complaints about people not social distancing and him having to run into the road. Second thing yesterday was that we are looking at buying a new TV and he is researching the options (he's doing it as he knows more about them than I do and let's face it, it's a man thing). I say 'ooh are you excited about getting a new TV because I am' and the response is 'I'm actually finding it really stressful as you expect me to do all the research and come up with the best option'

Constant mansplaining about everything - takes forever to finish what he's saying and then accuses me of talking over him when I can't actually tell if he's finished what he was saying and I had been waiting forever to speak.

Seems to constantly be annoyed with me about something or other, and I can never tell what I've supposedly done wrong. He just mooches around with a face on until I have to ask him what's wrong.

If I try to raise something which is irritating me, he flounces. And then gets mad when I accuse him of flouncing. So stop flouncing then!!!

It all feels a bit petty when I read it back but I just feel a bit worn down by the atmosphere in the house. What doesn't help is that we have quite opposing views of lockdown / restrictions etc. So there's lots of moaning on his part about people not following rules, whereas I'm just desperate for my gym to reopen so that I can escape the house for an hour every day!

Am happy to be told I need to be more tolerant if that's the case.

Thanks for your response, I honestly can't decide whether I'm being unsympathetic but when he plays the health condition card what am I supposed to do? I can't have our whole relationship revolve around his condition and avoid any kind of stress or conflict forever in case it makes him ill. I can't live like that.

Playing the 'health card' and being 'dramatic'? Giving you a 'guilt trip'?

Isn't this good he's going to the GP? You want him to sort it out so he's taking positive action and you're even more pissed off with him. When I've been to the GP with mental health issues I've been pretty near breaking point/suicidal.

Are you one of these people who thinks he just needs to 'think positive' and snap out of it?

Lots of people have been severely struggling with anxiety over the last six months - is there a reason why you think he shouldn't be one of them? Is it because he's a man? (Thinking of your sexist comments above). Not everyone is as resilient as you. You say he has an underlying health condition - plenty of people honestly thought they were going to die. Do you empathise with him on this?

He sounds depressed and anxious and stressed and yes annoying but you sound cold and unkind.

Can you two have a proper discussion about this?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Thanks for your response, I honestly can't decide whether I'm being unsympathetic but when he plays the health condition card what am I supposed to do? I can't have our whole relationship revolve around his condition and avoid any kind of stress or conflict forever in case it makes him ill. I can't live like that.

No, I'd argue that him going to the GP is a sign that you don't have to constantly manage his health because he's trying to do it himself. Ideally.

I suspect if you empathised a bit more and tried to understand he might be a little self absorbed as he'd feel someone else cared. Worth a try anyway

I didn't mean to sound so cold and I appreciate the honest feedback. I just feel like every time we have an argument, no matter how minor, I'm made to feel that I have to do anything I can to avoid conflict at all costs. With the best will in the world, all couples argue. I don't know how to deal with being told that my actions are causing him to be ill. That's why I came here to ask for advice.

We've all been anxious about Covid this year, him more so than the rest of us. We're all pissed off with the rule breakers. But what I can't deal with (and it changes absolutely nothing) is constant discussion and complaining about said rule breakers. But he interprets that to mean that I don't give a shit.

I do feel for you op. Your communication does sound like it's not working.
Have you tried saying 'What would be helpful for me to say when you make another one of these complaints? I feel so frustrated because you keep saying it but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do or say to help.' or 'I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because you're being so snappy with me'.

'You say I am making you ill. I'm happy to be here for you and talk but I am not totally responsible for your mental health and it's really unfair of you to say I am. I feel stressed and unhappy too.' and then tell him how to help make you feel better. What could he do?

You're not responsible for his feelings ops and all you can do is be an empathetic as possible.

Have you considered doing Relate?

I get quite anxious and get really upset when I feel like dp is dismissing me. He rarely gets anxious or worries and if he says any version of 'oh it'll be fine, don't worry' I want to kill him. He isn't wrong - we all worry about different things - but the feelings are real to me. I wonder if you and your DP perhaps have a similar issue?

Could you talk to a mutual friend? Would he listen to them re the anxiety about people not social distancing etc?

I haven't considered Relate but we may need to if things don't improve. This has been building up for months now and it follows months and months of me listening, letting him rant, empathising, etc etc until I feel I can take no more. I don't quite know how to express this without sounding unfeeling but it feels like his health comes first at the expense of everything else.

I don't want to live under a black cloud and I'd like to focus on some positives. I tried to start the first weekend in lockdown by suggesting we do nice things to keep positive - cooking nice food, log fire, listening to music to raise our spirits, and just trying to make the best of being stuck at home. But I just feel like I'm constantly being dragged down. Having suffered from depression myself a couple of years back when going through the menopause, I can't go back to that dark place.

He sounds quite draining to be around. People who moan a lot and can't/won't see how it impacts others are hard work and at the moment neither of you are able to get that support from other people or get away from it.
Positive that he's seeking help though?
You sound at the end of your patience rather than lacking in care.

I've found out since that he only went to the dr's for a scheduled blood test. Not to seek help with his stress. But he made it sound like that was the reason.
He's fucked off out again. Just as I served dinner up. I can't be doing with the drama.

Aaah, so not seeking medical help but instead attempting to guilt you? Plus he's purposefully making you feel off balance by disappearing at weird times, leaving you cryptic messages about what he's doing?

I'm increasingly leaning towards he's being a dick. I mean, his medical appointment this morning, without telling you, was clearly to give you a shock. Then his departure as you serve up dinner is punishment - you have not responded how he wants you to so he's going to give you a taste of your own medicine (ie, he's not going to do what you want him to do). Clearly this is perfectly reasonable in his mind.

I'm still inclined to think he has mental health problems. But mental health problems do not justify nor excuse shitty behaviour.

You don’t sound very compatible. I think lockdown is forcing people to have a long look at who they are actually spending time with

I'm in a similar situation OP.
DP constantly being negative about everything. Everything is a disaster or a nightmare, worst case scenarios are the only scenarios and its just so draining. It's like he's going out of his way to have no joy in his lift whatsoever. We almost split during the first lockdown, we had counselling and I asked him to move out for 2 weeks. Then he improved but in the last 2 months, has got worse again. I don't think its lockdown that's bothering him, but its bothering me because it means I hear his ranting all the time. Ditto about work colleagues who I couldn't give a shit about?

Trying to guilt you is a step too far though. I'm not sure what to suggest here but if he's genuinely struggling, he needs to see his GP properly. It's not your job to fix him. You've been there for him as much as you can. He has to want to seek help.

We talked last night and I explained to him how draining his constant negativity is. He said that he would try to be more positive. He also said that the whole thing about the dr's appointment wasn't meant to be dramatic and get me to worry, but I'm not sure if I believe him tbh.