Grateful for any responses

[BeingSingle]

I’ve been separated for four years and doing my best to foster a life where I am happy to be alone and not trying to find worth in online dating or in male attention relationships/flings.
I know how much better I feel when I can put that aside, it has always ended in heartbreak- like serous anguish, I get so devastated by rejection, things start off well enough and then Just dwindle. I blame myself, feel like i have done something wrong that I’m not good enough I retesting enough, whatever.I feel like men do not really want to spend any significant time with me/ want to form a relationship even casually - other than for sez. I am so terribly disillusioned and broken by the whole
Dating experience. So I stopped. But just this weekend I did see someone on Friday We had some wine and food, he spent 4 hours chatting with me with - left It at kisses and felt good not to have slept with him as I know how I would feel about casual sex, not good for me, works for others but leaves me I. A bad place.Today he came by, we slept together, he said I hope you don’t think this means we are in a relationship that this is anything f serious , that’s not what I want. Well it’s not necessarily what I wanted either but the coldness and the lack of value he places on me, that I allowed him to place on me is just so hard to deal with. I’m seriously seriously low and feeling so devalued by both myself and him.

What an asshole. I won't sleep with anyone now absolutely not, I make them wait 6 months to make sure thay are keen first. I', just not going to be used like that any more.
He's a shit, good riddance.
Don't sleep with the next one, make them wait until they have shown some proper interest in having a relationship with you. I'm afraid men on the whole really devalue you if you sleep with them too soon.

Why did you change your mind so quickly when you had already decided casual was not for you? Sounds like you were pleased with yourself for not having sex straight away and then you ended up doing it the next day.

OP - to me there are several themes in your post and the main one is that you are not in a great place and I think would benefit from doing a bit of self discovery and self reflection with a psychologist.
The part about not looking for self worth in interactions with men or in attention from men isn’t easy to just develop on your own. And by the way you are describing the recent dating experience - I think you aren’t quite there yet.

As to the man in question. What stroke me most is that despite neither of you looking for a relationship - this didn’t come up in the 4 hour conversation you had on the first date? And btw - I think you are not quite honest to yourself - you ARE looking for a relationship.
Then you don’t sleep with him on Fri - but let him come over on a Sunday? Obviously you knew there will be sex. But why go there this quickly if you didn’t want a casual encounter?

And finally - you really need to understand that there isn’t a relationship of your value and your sexual encounters with men. Sex is not always about some deep connection - people also do it for fun. And it doesn’t mean that they somehow don’t value you.
As to this specific man - neither of you was honest or open about what you were looking for in your interaction. So - don’t put all your accumulated hurts on this one.

There was no devaluing. You met, talked, flirted, I presume. There was a connection, at least on a physical level. You had consensual sex. I hope both of you had a good time.
It’s simple really.

If it’s a relationship you are really looking for - just stick to your boundaries a bit more and take time to get to know the other person before sleeping with them. It would weed out men who are after casual encounters.

Very wise words ^^

I have a relative who goes through this exact cycle. She is nice, pretty and extremely intelligent. However when it come to relationships, she tends to go too fast. She tries to keep things slow, but then once she feels she's 'fallen', she allows the male to guide the relationship thinking that this will make them happy. It always ends the same way, they get sex then tell her to remember that it isn't a relationship.

I think if she used the power she feels in her professional life in her private life, she would be treated better.

You should lay down the rules about what you will and will not accept and stick to them. Make it clear you have a line in the cement (never sand), and it will not change. Be firm and confident, and don't allow anyone to take your power from you.

Currently it sounds like you are insecure about your value, so men will recognize that and use you. Do not let them. Be strong. You are worth so much more!

thank you for your responses, when I titled "grateful for any responses" it is so true.
Ok where to start... yes, I guess at the risk of being arrogant I am perceived to be pretty intelligent and attractive, I just don't really feel this myself, so that's problem number one.
Yes I am most probably looking for a relationship, even though I try to be casual/modern/cool/flexible - whatever in order to have some form of connection. I am terribly terribly lonely.
I have a very stressful job and some significant stress with one of my children. I have financial pressure and the whole lockdown situation. I am a single mother.
I was very pleased not to have slept with him on Friday, felt empowered, strong - like I'd made progress. I have no idea why I went with it today, I guess I am craving a connection.
I agree that sex does not have to be a deep connection, the beginning of a relationship and actually felt fine about it being casual until he said those words, like don't think this is going to be something because we slept together
It was like a slap in the face
I've had this with the last person I saw for over four months - he said he enjoyed talking with me and sleeping with me but didn't want anything else - I let that continue for four or more months even though it made me feel really bad
I cried so much tonight - drank some wine and felt terrible for being such a mess

@MMmomDD yes I am in therapy - on and off when I can afford it
Thank you for your words I guess I find a momentary connection in a physical connection, obviously this means more to me than it does to them or than I allow myself to believe it means to me.
I know how awful I feel and how worthless when I am cast aside afterwards and it always happens - either after one encounter of after a couple of months, I've tried editing my need for connection - texts -meeting up - tried to be all versions of what I think might be appealing/interesting - but invariably I am not enough. I think maybe it's because I am aging or there is something not quite right with me I feel as though it may be safest to never date or get involved again with a man, but I do crave that physical connection and whatever illusion of an emotional connection I conjure up from it

actually felt fine about it being casual until he said those words, like don't think this is going to be something because we slept together
It wasn't a nice thing to say, seems very unnecessary as if to put you back in your box.

Perhaps dating isn't the right thing for you at the moment. I think you need to invest a bit more in yourself.

"@category12 exactly, unnecessary, and made me feel like I had somehow manipulated him into this position where he felt he had to commit to seeing me again.

I've tried editing my need for connection - texts -meeting up - tried to be all versions of what I think might be appealing/interesting - but invariably I am not enough.

You'll never find anyone decent while you're twisting yourself like a pretzel to please and not valuing yourself. You need to like yourself, be happy in yourself and be thinking of terms of what the guy adds to your current happiness, instead of being grateful for any attention.

But yes, perhaps I am putting all my accumulated hurts on him, as was commented earlier, dating is obviously causing me grief rather than the desired outcome - but I am lonely, have friends and family but do seem to crave that male and physical fix

OP. Don't beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes. You know what you did and you regret it. You learned a lesson. You won't do it again.
Take care x

OP - I don’t think anything is wrong with you - and it’s not about aging or not being enough.
But the way you come across in just a few posts makes it clear how lonely and in need of a connection you are.
Unfortunately - that also it most likely quite palpable to the men you meet. And this is more than anything something that would push them away.

I have been on the other side of this. In my dating life met a few men that were desperate for a connection. And instead of thinking it’s a good thing as they are great to have a relationship with - I thought that it was clear that they want A relationship, in general, with just anybody, not me specifically. I didn’t feel like being some charity to save them from their loneliness.

Unfortunately, this is a chicken and egg problem. But - you do need to start on your end and not put this much pressure on every encounter with men. They are not there to save you from loneliness.
Relationships need to be based on meeting a person and wanting to get to know them, and wanting to build something joint. Not to save you from something.

I don’t know what the answer is. Sorry.

I think you need to be true to yourself. You don’t need to be ‘modern and cool’ in order to win a man over. I think people can sense that we don’t mean it When we do that and it can come across as inauthentic and a little desperate (sorry to use that word) and people take advantage.

You sound like you actually know what you want which is an intimate, meaningful connection (you say you’re feeling very lonely) and that’s perfectly fine to want that. The thing is, some relationships will fizzle out after a few months. It’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s just the process of getting to know each other. But my point is, be your true self and if you know you can’t do casual then don’t jump too quickly next time. It will certainly weed out the ones who are only looking for sex like this last guy. He sounds like a charmless idiot, by the way and you sound lovely.

@MMmomDD @QueenJulian yes, I guess that no matter how much I try to play it cool, be unaffected by lack of contact or genuine interest it most probably is obvious that I don't really mean it - yes I understand how off-putting neediness is and go to huge lengths not to appear that way. Ironically one encounter that had potential faltered because he took me at my word and didn't invest - I was then in the awful position of trying to scramble back from that - which obviously didn't work
I feel like |I should have this stuff figured out by now
thanks for your words, I don't know the answer either and it all seems so hopeless. my children are at ages where they are naturally pulling away from wanting to spend much time with me and I feel like I will make them feel guilty by letting them know how lonely |I am

but invariably I am not enough

You will never feel like you're enough in any kind of relationship until you feel like you're enough for yourself. Don't start a relationship because you're lonely. Learn to be ok with being alone. Learn to love life. Do things you love doing, for as much of the time as possible. A relationship may come, in that you'll meet someone so amazing you just want to spend loads of time with them, an it's reciprocated. Or this might not happen, but that will be ok, because you're happy and spend all your time doing things you love.

None of this involves changing yourself, doing anything differently from the way you naturally do it, or trying to be anything for anybody. A relationship is a nice thing to have, like a Porsche or a million quid. But don't spend your life lamenting your days away because you don't have something like that. And certainly don't chase after a Morris Minor or 10p as substitutes!

I feel like |I should have this stuff figured out by now

There's nothing to figure out. You're talking as if it's a game, where people can act a certain way and get it 'right'. The whole joy of being yourself is that there is no effort involved, no trying, nothing to 'work out'. Just be.

@Eckhart thank you, yes I know you are correct and this is the advice I would give to a friend expressing the same, the thing is I can't seem to take it myself. I have felt quite good and strong recently, being alone, doing things for myself, but I wobble at the slightest expression of interest from a man, I obviously have huge self esteem issues. I can't seem to learn from the previous mistakes I have made.

OP I could have written your post word for word. My dating experiences have been exactly the same as yours. I've found that men are only interested in sex, they never seem to want a relationship with me though. My last guy has just finished our casual set up to be in a proper relationship with a girl which has broken me. I'm like you that I crave the physical side as I hope it will lead to a connection, which never seems to for the man. Lots of good advice here which I need to listen to as well.

@Mermaidwaves I am so sorry that happened to you, it must be incredibly painful, - yes lots of good advice here - I need to actually internalise it and act on it - It's just so tempting to think this next one might finally work out - and then so hard when it once again doesn't
And I hate how it affects my wider life - as I feel terribly broken

Stay single then. Just leave it at that, for the forseeable. Celibacy. Not forever, but with no time limit on it.

Focus only on improving your life.

Otherwise you are letting what's in some blokes pants dictate your self worth.

I have lots of similar issues and thoughts like you, OP. Have you considered therapy to explore your self esteem and why you might crave the attention of men to make you feel seen? I have been doing that with my therapist and very interesting - I have been understand more about myself and things are clicking into place.

Lots of what previous posters have said is true and I agree with them but talking about this with a therapist means you wil have the chance to explore the impact of relationships with men in your life you have had - primarily your father! - and wherher there are any repeating patterns of beliefs about yourself or behaviours.

I have been looking for a man to fill the void that my dad left and I cannot and should not do that. Taken a long time to understand this and come to realise that.

@Picktionary yes I do have therapy when I can afford it - it certainly helps
My dad died very suddenly when I was an adolescent. My husband left our marriage very suddenly
Yes I crave male attention - and yes it is to feel seen
I hate that I know this and yet keep doing it
Thank you for sharing

@Eckhart - yes, this is the answer I guess

Aw I am sorry to hear about your dad
Thats huge. All this stuff about dating is not really about these random men then, but about you grieving for the dad you craved but never had. No man will fill those boots and give you the comfort you want. Just a perspective to consider.