Grateful for any responses

[BeingSingle]

I’ve been separated for four years and doing my best to foster a life where I am happy to be alone and not trying to find worth in online dating or in male attention relationships/flings.
I know how much better I feel when I can put that aside, it has always ended in heartbreak- like serous anguish, I get so devastated by rejection, things start off well enough and then Just dwindle. I blame myself, feel like i have done something wrong that I’m not good enough I retesting enough, whatever.I feel like men do not really want to spend any significant time with me/ want to form a relationship even casually - other than for sez. I am so terribly disillusioned and broken by the whole
Dating experience. So I stopped. But just this weekend I did see someone on Friday We had some wine and food, he spent 4 hours chatting with me with - left It at kisses and felt good not to have slept with him as I know how I would feel about casual sex, not good for me, works for others but leaves me I. A bad place.Today he came by, we slept together, he said I hope you don’t think this means we are in a relationship that this is anything f serious , that’s not what I want. Well it’s not necessarily what I wanted either but the coldness and the lack of value he places on me, that I allowed him to place on me is just so hard to deal with. I’m seriously seriously low and feeling so devalued by both myself and him.

OP I don’t think you will find what you want until you’re honest with yourself about what you want. If you want a relationship then fair enough, but pretending to men that you don’t is not going to get you anywhere, they’ll either sense it in you and take advantage or they’ll take you at your word and just use you for sex.

You seem to have internalised the idea that if you don’t give these men sex they won’t be interested in you. You’ve got it all arse about face. The men who aren’t interested because you don’t put out are not the men you want to be with, they aren’t relationship material. The ones who do want to take it slowly and see if a relationship develops might be a lot harder to find but at least if you’re honest with yourself and them you’ll have a better chance of weeding out the ones who are just in it for a shag.

Having said all that I think PPs are right. The right relationship for you will be the one that doesn’t fill a need but adds value to your life. No other person will ever be able to fix you, and the ones who will seem like they do will be exactly the kind of men you need to avoid. Men have a sixth sense when it comes to vulnerability, they can smell it on you, and the majority of the ones who will be attracted to that will be arseholes. They’ll know exactly what to say to get you eating out of their hands and they won’t treat you well. OLD is full of scummy men who are on the look out for vulnerable single mothers to exploit, so beware.

Entering a relationship because you need saving, or you want to save someone else is a very bad idea and it never leads anywhere good. Save yourself first. Try to work on recognising your own worth and being enough for yourself, then you’ll weed out the chancers and the scumbags automatically. It’s not as easy as that I know, but what you get if you don’t will only feed your insecurities and make it less likely that you’ll find the right person.

@BeingSingle I feel broken too, it feels hopeless doesnt it? All my friends tell me to learn to be alone and that I don't need a man. They are all correct but they are also all in settled relationships! I look at other women in relationships and think how did you manage it?

@Whatisthisfuckerythank you all good advice and stuff I know, just need to act upon. I’m certain that as @Picktionaryobserved, that this has lots more to do with my formative years than I’ve previously acknowledged- it’s all so hard right now w lock down and the need to have some physical contact, without even touching on the need for an emotional connection- however the grief that ensues from a brief physical connection is just not worth it - I totally need to get on board w the self development plan. I have a brief therapy stint right now and will focus on getting my resolve up to do that in those sessions

I also think you need to start being honest with yourself ans men you date. You clearly wish a relationship and that’s fine. Pretending you don’t and then effectively using sex as a spring board to get a relationship is always, always going to end in you feeling like shit.

You need to steel yourself to be honest, and you need to only sleep with men once you know them ans a relationship is developing.

These two actions, will save you a lot of heartache.

Could you look at other ways of dealing with touch-starvation? I know there's nothing quite like skin to skin/sex, but it's leading you in a self-destructive pattern.

If you're able to hug friends or family in a bubbling Covid safe way, do. When we're able to, get a massage or go to the hairdresser. Have you any pets, cuddling up with them can help? Wrap up in a soft blanket, spend time putting body lotions or self-massage.

@category12 yes all things I try to do- and I am grateful for friends family etc. Need to focus more on what I have.
@Bluntness100 yep maybe this is accurate, I’ve not thought about it like this before - I just assumed - naive- that a relationship would follow/evolve/whatever - maybe I was using sex as a springboard to it, unconsciously

@Mermaidwaves

I look at other women in relationships and think how did you manage it

It's easy to look in from the outside and think that 'in a relationship' means 'happy'. But think about how many people you know who actually seem to be head over heels in love with each other. It's nowhere near as many as there are relationships. Loads of people are intermittently or constantly being driven nuts by their partner/in a relationship with someone they're not compatible with/just muddling along, feeling they'd be just as happy single, but life's easier with 2 incomes, etc.

It's not the case that those in relationships 'got it right', and those who are single are 'missing out' or 'unable' in some way. People in relationships have simply stuck to a social norm. Bit boring, unless it's REALLY rocking their world.

@Eckhart thanks for the reality check, it’s good to get perspective - it can seem like relationships are good and single is lacking g sometimes, of course nothing is ever that simplistic

Single rocks, as does being in a good relationship.

Who would you respect more, a single, happy woman, in charge of her own affairs, going out and getting life, or a woman in a relationship, thinking 'it's ok, not too bad' etc. Most people, in relationships or otherwise, feel that they're not fulfilling their potential in some ways. Getting closer to doing that is a far more worthy goal than 'I want a boyfriend'. And someone with that goal would be more likely to attract the kind of people (for friendships/personal or professional relationships) we'd all want in our lives: the positive ones, the ones who aspire to their own goals, the ones who appreciate and respect others.

Rather than what your leaning towards now: a man who wants a quick shag.

Raise your goals.

Eckhart The crazy thing is I completely agree with you! It is better to be alone than to be in a mediocre relationship or just settling. I can see this but it still doesn't stop my self destructive behaviour and trying to find 'the one'. I need to delete the dating apps for at least a year I think and concentrate on myself.

Yup. Don't even look. Don't even think about it. It's just NOT something you're going to do. Doesn't exist for you currently, it is a non-concept.

(This parrot is deceased, it is no more )

The key is that you are the one. So you don't have to keep looking.

This is not about you or because of you OP, it's him. You have made a mistake by sleeping with another waste of your time, that's it. Learn & move on. For some people it doesn't matter who they're with, this would be their default. I'm guessing you're in your 30s/40s are you? (Sorry if I've missed that) when the pool is full of time wasters.

Get rid of him. Know your worth and learn from this but don't dwell, or else he wins. X

I think you have almost come to expect this sort of man op . I think you possibly rush into sex too early , but probably these men are no good and not looking for serious anyway .

I think you need to focus on yourself and have a think about what you want . It’s hard as I feel the same way as you at times .

@Eckhart @Manxiety@Civilhelp thanks all - have a bit more perspective today and feeling better I appreciate all the responses and advice. Yes re my age range - I find it confusing tho that one hour he’s sent me pics of him walking in the part and. Suggestions to meet and the next it’s like just so you know I don’t want a relationship. Anyway I will Not dwell any further it ware time trying to figure it out and I will try and remember this lesson

[quote BeingSingle]@Eckhart* @Manxiety*@Civilhelp thanks all - have a bit more perspective today and feeling better I appreciate all the responses and advice. Yes re my age range - I find it confusing tho that one hour he’s sent me pics of him walking in the part and. Suggestions to meet and the next it’s like just so you know I don’t want a relationship. Anyway I will Not dwell any further it ware time trying to figure it out and I will try and remember this lesson[/quote]
The answer is sex and an ego boost OP. Yes - no more dwelling. Onwards & upwards. You are the prize! 🥇

This thread resonates with me so much, it’s made me cry reading it because I feel so much for all of us in this shitty position. We’re decent successful women who deserve better than to feel so down on ourselves.

my children are at ages where they are naturally pulling away from wanting to spend much time with me and I feel like I will make them feel guilty by letting them know how lonely |I am This is exactly how I feel OP but I’m so tired of pretending, this year has been hell - I don’t think anyone except someone else who’s been single through it all can truly understand the loneliness 🙁