I don’t love my husband

[Goldandblack]

We have been married 7 years and have two small children.

The crux of our problem is that we have different love languages. I need words and he needs gestures and affection. I used to do the gestures and affection but stopped after I kept begging him for years to give me what I wanted and he never made any effort to do it. He claims he does try because every time I put make up on he says very flatly “you look nice” but it so much more than that and he doesn’t understand. I have always suffered from low self esteem due to childhood issues and thrived in relationships where men were very effusive with praise and nice words. Anyway his unwillingness to try has lead to a lot of resentment building up. I’ve buried it inside and tried to get on with life and everything that needs doing. I generally manage but if we ever have a row it all comes bubbling to the surface and it gets very ugly. I feel trapped in a marriage with someone who I’m not compatible with. I know that mistake is my own. I think I was too young and didn’t know myself and what I needed and then I just got good at pretending/ burying what I really feel and the kids came along etc

I don’t love him. If something happened to him my first thought would be how I would manage the kids and finances. That’s horrible I know but that’s the truth.

I’ve told him that as neither of us is interested in making any effort we have two options: either we carry on ‘functioning’ with all the resentment building up inside or we split up. He can’t seem to make up his mind and neither can I.

I work and earn about the same as him so I wouldn’t have the issues that some SAHM have when deciding whether to leave.

I’ve suggested joint custody but he’s threatening me saying that I won’t get it because he’s a lawyer and has lots of lawyer friends.

I don’t know what to do.

Oh and I forgot to say that he said I need counselling because there’s something wrong with me that’s stopping me from loving him and he doesn’t accept that it’s his fault for not giving me what I need.

I don’t have much in the way of practical advice I’m afraid, but I’m not surprised you don’t love him. He sounds like an utter arsehole. I’m sure the custody thing is an empty threat - what possible reason would any legal process have for not granting joint custody? He’s calling your bluff because he wants to control you, is my guess.

I'd dump him just for threatening to take your kid from you. What an asshole.

And he can 'I have lawyer pals' all he likes but the truth is,mothers are always favoured. You'll get joint custody. At least.

Tell him to go and whistle.

Decision made then. He isnt interested and has threatened you with the children. Time to lawyer up.

I wasn't sure until reading your last comment where he threatened to take your kids away.
What an arsehole! I'd leave.

You're not going to like this, but why are you placing the responsibility for your self esteem at someone else's door? You seem very self aware and knowledgeable about your needs but, at the same time you seem to think that someone else should be doing the work of propping up your self esteem? They shouldn't . You can leave your husband for whatever reason you like, but you may benefit from looking at why this is happening. .

Go get a free half our with his lawyer friends, he won’t be able to use them then. 😇 He’s full of shote anyway you’ll be fine. Time to say bye bye to this guy.

Hmm.

Nobody gives a shiny shit about your husband being a lawyer and having lawyer friends. A child arrangement order (not custody in the UK) would reflect the status quo. Mothers are not always favoured"": what is favoured is an arrangement which best meets the children's needs. If your children are currently looked after equally by you both, a court order would say that they should spend half their time with each of you. If either one of you spends more time looking after them, it would be different. The law is interested only in the children's best interests, not in their parents' career choices. Everything is geared to ensuring that the children's lives continue to be as close to their current lives as possible (given that their parents separating is shit - I know this, and I'm still mopping up after six years).

I'm not sure about the "different love languages" bit (it sounds like a fancy way of saying that you're not compatible), but if you're incompatible, you're incompatible.

FWIW, I used to wish that my XH would have a fatal accident, so I do sympathise.

Yeah i was pretty shaken by the comment about custody. I was trying to be reasonable by saying that I’m happy for us to go for joint custody.

I think I really annoyed him this evening because he kept going on about how he’s a great father (to be fair to him he is very affectionate and will do childcare chores but he NEVER plays with them, just plops them in front of the tv and sits on his mobile) and I told him I disagreed and gave him examples. Since then he’s been trying to tell me I’m a bad mother.

@Justcause233 I have thought a lot about it (years and years) but I just can’t seem to improve my self esteem no matter what. The only times in my life where I’ve felt really happy is when I’ve been in relationships with men who have made me feel valued. I know some people can build up their own self worth without any need for validation from anyone else but I just don’t seem able to do it.

I...thrived in relationships where men were very effusive with praise and nice words.

This is interesting. You say you thrived, but clearly these relationships didn't because they ended. Verbalising affection is nice, but very often words are cheap. It's someone's actions that really show you how they feel.

You can't expect or demand that other people repair your self-esteem. That's your job.

Well if you critices his parenting then it looks like it was tit for tat and as bad as each other. You can,t rely on others to build up your self esteem if cuddles hugs, marriage isn,t enough. You say you dress up and says you look nice. What more should he say?

Anyway it,s by and by. Can you look at relate or some kind of counselling even if marriage is over it might help with the split.

Literally in the same position as you. Told dh in february that things weren't right, he told me it was all my fault and if I wasnt happy I needed to change. So I tried, found out 2 weeks ago he has been sleeping with a woman from work. His excuse was that I told him I wasnt happy but was trying to make it work and he thought it was all fake on my account.... I'd leave before you get hurt further tbh.

@Aquamarine1029 Actions may be what you prefer, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. We are all individuals.

I don’t know how people repair their own self esteem. I get boosts from outside my marriage from other people, my job, interests etc but I just feel like it doesn’t matter if the person who is supposed to love me and value me doesn’t ever notice anything. That’s really hurts me. I wish I knew how to let it slide.

Definitely couples counselling. It will bring things to a head, and help lay out the future steps for co-parenting. Book a handful of appointments and hand him the dates/times.

And you get legal advice off to the side of that, keeping the fact to yourself.

I think maybe your self esteem is so low because you are married to a wanker. You might feel worse initialy if you split up, but am sure you will eventually feel a whole lot better without him

....... "He claims he does try because every time I put make up on he says very flatly “you look nice”........

It's a very hollow compliment and it sounds like he resents you.

@Pastryapronsucks I’ve wondered that too. I have to be fair to him so I will say that he does have a nice side- he will do caring gestures and is affectionate but he also has a narcissist type trait- he’s arrogant, thinks a lot of himself and seems to not have the mental space to think much of anyone else and if he does then he’s almost always looking down on them. I think that’s why he really struggles with saying anything nice to me. He was raised to think he was incredible by a mother who similarly thinks a lot of herself.

The mere fact he threatened you would tell me this relationship had hit the kerb.

I don’t know how people repair their own self esteem.

First, by getting rid of people who don't contribute to ones' life in a positive way. He doesn't. Doesn't matter why, he just doesn't.

Second, by getting counseling if the first doesn't work.

I think only you have the power to change the situation and have life that you want. Decide and go for it

Also, no one will love you if you will not love yourself first. You and you only are responsible for you happiness as well as dealing with problems or past demons, you can’t put the responsibility on someone else.

I feel like it’s easy to say that people should love themselves but where do you even begin with that? Even when I look objectively at what I have I feel like it’s all pointless if the person I’m with who is supposed to value me more than anyone doesn’t see any of it?
Do people really build their self esteem up in total isolation?
Isn’t it normal to feel a boost when the person you’re with says something nice about you and to want to have that feeling from time to time?