I don’t love my husband

[Goldandblack]

We have been married 7 years and have two small children.

The crux of our problem is that we have different love languages. I need words and he needs gestures and affection. I used to do the gestures and affection but stopped after I kept begging him for years to give me what I wanted and he never made any effort to do it. He claims he does try because every time I put make up on he says very flatly “you look nice” but it so much more than that and he doesn’t understand. I have always suffered from low self esteem due to childhood issues and thrived in relationships where men were very effusive with praise and nice words. Anyway his unwillingness to try has lead to a lot of resentment building up. I’ve buried it inside and tried to get on with life and everything that needs doing. I generally manage but if we ever have a row it all comes bubbling to the surface and it gets very ugly. I feel trapped in a marriage with someone who I’m not compatible with. I know that mistake is my own. I think I was too young and didn’t know myself and what I needed and then I just got good at pretending/ burying what I really feel and the kids came along etc

I don’t love him. If something happened to him my first thought would be how I would manage the kids and finances. That’s horrible I know but that’s the truth.

I’ve told him that as neither of us is interested in making any effort we have two options: either we carry on ‘functioning’ with all the resentment building up inside or we split up. He can’t seem to make up his mind and neither can I.

I work and earn about the same as him so I wouldn’t have the issues that some SAHM have when deciding whether to leave.

I’ve suggested joint custody but he’s threatening me saying that I won’t get it because he’s a lawyer and has lots of lawyer friends.

I don’t know what to do.

I'm a lawyer and he's wrong. He knows it, hence his scaredy-threat. The cunt.

Good luck love. Lance this boil, then turn your attentions on yourself x

@Goldandblack

I feel like it’s easy to say that people should love themselves but where do you even begin with that? Even when I look objectively at what I have I feel like it’s all pointless if the person I’m with who is supposed to value me more than anyone doesn’t see any of it? Do people really build their self esteem up in total isolation? Isn’t it normal to feel a boost when the person you’re with says something nice about you and to want to have that feeling from time to time?

It is hard. I was on another thread the other day recommending a book that helped me but I won't recommend it here for sounding like broken record.

But what I will say is you're absolutely doing the right thing leaving a relationship that not only doesn't actively build your self-esteem up, but seems to chip away at it.

And funnily enough - I had a lawyer ex-boyfriend who sounds eerily similar to this chap! (No offence to lawyers )

In my option, he had an avoidant personality. And if you are a bit anxiously attached and need a lot of positive reinforcement (I'm the same btw), it'll never work long term. It's an uphill struggle.

He seemed to struggle with saying 'I love you' spontaneously - he could say it back, but could never initiate. To some people that won't matter. To me, it did. Hugely.

@MinecraftMother

I'm a lawyer and he's wrong. He knows it, hence his scaredy-threat. The cunt.

Good luck love. Lance this boil, then turn your attentions on yourself x

Love that advice (lance this boil!).

Remember that loads of people with small children do break up. Better now than when they are resentful teens. You guys do sound incompatible. Time to get some legal advice op.

Thank you everyone

I know he will refuse to move out so what do I do? Carry on living here in this horrible atmosphere? I could stay with my parents but I don’t think he will let me?

I could stay with my parents but I don’t think he will let me?

He can't stop you from leaving.

With the kids though? Is that ok?

You need legal advice. Get this now and don’t talk to him about it.

You need counselling because you don't love him ... sure you do, any woman who doesn't clearly must be mad!

@katy1213 ahahah yes... he really is very full of himself

Your need for validation from men you're in a relationship with is something that you need to work on. Perhaps some therapy would help.

You present him with 2 options and ask him to decide...you're not happy. Why can't you decide what to do.

You're not an onlooker in your own life.

Are you vocal with your complements towards him?

I think you've both reached the point of being fed up of each other.

I don't like his horrible threat though. That doesn't make him sound good.

I guess I wanted us to make a decision together so that I felt like I’m not unilaterally taking such a huge step and I also wanted it to happen amicably so if it was mutually agreed that was more likely...

I used to be vocal in my compliments and have a lot of affection and gestures etc it all stopped when a year or two in I realised that I was just feeding his already huge ego and get nothing in return.

I feel like it’s easy to say that people should love themselves but where do you even begin with that?

It comes naturally to a lot of ppl, but where someone doesn't love themselves, it's worth exploring why. It could be that you were never praised growing up....and lack in confidence as a result.

Even when I look objectively at what I have I feel like it’s all pointless

This is the crux of it...if you don't love yourself and don't feel looking at what you have, that you're worth it....nobody else will.

[quote Goldandblack]@Justcause233 I have thought a lot about it (years and years) but I just can’t seem to improve my self esteem no matter what. The only times in my life where I’ve felt really happy is when I’ve been in relationships with men who have made me feel valued. I know some people can build up their own self worth without any need for validation from anyone else but I just don’t seem able to do it.[/quote]
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We all depend on each other to get our needs met in various ways.

It sounds to me, OP, like you are in a relationship with someone you're not compatible with.

His comment to you about how you won't get half custody speaks volumes. Are you sure your self esteem isn't low because you're in a relationship with an arsehole?

@Aquamarine1029

I...thrived in relationships where men were very effusive with praise and nice words.

This is interesting. You say you thrived, but clearly these relationships didn't because they ended. Verbalising affection is nice, but very often words are cheap. It's someone's actions that really show you how they feel.

You can't expect or demand that other people repair your self-esteem. That's your job.

This And just to look at things for a moment from your H's point of view: it's very hard to be in a relationship where you're constantly being told what the other person needs and how badly you're failing to give it to them. I'm not sure "working at it" or "putting effort in" is the answer to this. People come together in the first place because they have needs and feel to whatever extent that the other person is fulfilling them. It's usually a fairly natural and unspoken process. Once you start analysing all the ways in which they're not doing so enough^ it can become really contrived and impossible for each person just to be themselves any more.

None of which negates the fact that if the relationship isn't making either of you happy, and doesn't look like it ever will, you might as well end it.

@FifteenToes I agree with what you’re saying. I’ve said to him a few times that it might just be an incompatibility which can’t be fixed and I might be wrong in feeling that it’s his fault that he can’t give me what I want. But there’s always a voice in my head that says what if it is that he doesn’t care enough to bother or that he thinks that he’s far too good for you? It should come naturally and at the start of our relationship it was never an issue, it’s just got worse and worse and worse over time.

We either look internally or externally for validation of our worth. When we look internally then we get consistent proof that we have value, we are able to centre ourselves and keep balance. If we can say ourselves "I am a good person" and know that it's true.... Everything else is easier. Everything.

When we look externally for that validation, it is never going to be enough, we need people constantly to say that we are good.... , and our happiness becomes entirely dependant on someone else. It's the complete opposite of being independent. We can become needy and emotional and difficult to live with.

It's not okay to just accept this. You have to look at why this is happening. Some ideas that worked with me...

Counselling ( really recommend this)
Volunteering
Doing hobbies/ pastimes that make you interested in life
Yoga
Exercise
Reflections/ personal diary.

I was where you were and it wasn't a good place to be. I am much happier now. I'm sorry if I sound annoying but .... I don't think you sound in a good place at all.

@Justcause233 If I think of anything good I always question it and convince myself that it can’t be true because if it was my husband would notice. I think when it comes to being a good person I don’t really question it. There are things I can point to that I have done that demonstrate that I’m a good mother, daughter, sister, friend etc. I question things like whether I am attractive, interesting, intelligent etc because I feel that women who are those things have partners who notice them.

I remembered this morning that the last time I discussed this with my husband and asked him why he finds it easy to praise himself but can only look down on others he mentioned that when he was growing up his mother used to tell him and his brothers that women would fall at their feet, any woman that ended up with them was very lucky and that she didn’t think any woman would ever be good enough. That’s the total opposite of my mother! Isn’t that way of thinking something that needs fixing too? Or is it just my low self esteem?

I'm not talking about your husband. I was talking about you. I'm not saying any of this to critisise you. I missed the mark, but I was trying to help. I'm sorry. Good luck.

@PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma

Hmm.

Nobody gives a shiny shit about your husband being a lawyer and having lawyer friends. A child arrangement order (not custody in the UK) would reflect the status quo. Mothers are not always favoured"": what is favoured is an arrangement which best meets the children's needs. If your children are currently looked after equally by you both, a court order would say that they should spend half their time with each of you. If either one of you spends more time looking after them, it would be different. The law is interested only in the children's best interests, not in their parents' career choices. Everything is geared to ensuring that the children's lives continue to be as close to their current lives as possible (given that their parents separating is shit - I know this, and I'm still mopping up after six years).

I'm not sure about the "different love languages" bit (it sounds like a fancy way of saying that you're not compatible), but if you're incompatible, you're incompatible.

FWIW, I used to wish that my XH would have a fatal accident, so I do sympathise.

@PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma The love languages is part of pop psychology. Some people express their love by doing things, other people express their love more verbally. That's what she meant.

@Justcause233 I understand that you were talking about me and I’ve not taken it as a criticism. Based on what you said I was just sharing some additional thoughts on my self esteem issues and also wondering if anyone can really be happy with someone who is so full of themself.

Are you saying that single women don't or can't think of themselves as attractive, interesting etc ? Because that's going to still be a problem for you when you split up with your husband. You'll be on to the next man to meet these needs but now you have children to consider...

Regarding your husband it sounds like you don't like each other much at all.

You definitely need to leave op. Sounds so toxic.
I'd get legal advice and take it from there. Don't let him scare you with his legal threats but do play the game.
Be careful of leaving the home though. If he absolutely refuses to leave try to get evidence, on a text or in earshot of someone else. But don't let it stop you from leaving.
Play the long game, start making plans but cover your tracks.
You sound ground down by him. It's so good you're not financially dependent on him. Huge plus for you (appreciate it may not feel like it).

@niceupthedance Nope when I was single my self esteem was more stable. I wasn’t being ignored. It’s more that I’m with someone and they don’t say anything to my mind either they don’t care or there’s nothing special about me worth noticing (neither of which is good for self esteem)