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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

45 year old man child

28 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 08/11/2020 20:49

Is there any hope? My daughters father is an overgrown child, he is coming back from Australia as he has decided it's time he wants to step up and be a father and try and work things out with me. This has been slowly progressing over 3 years, and when he does eventually come back I won't allow him to just step straight back into our lives.

The one thing I consistently see with him is his longing to be a family, yet really struggling to leave his bachelor free spirited life behind.

Is it even possible at 45?!

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 08/11/2020 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2020 21:02

Why would you even waste your time with him?

carly2803 · 08/11/2020 21:04

god no.

people do not change. He will short term let you think he has, get his feet under the table, and slowly slip back into his own ways.

so in summary, no.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 08/11/2020 21:05

I doubt we will end up together, but conversing with someone who behaves likes an 18 year old is difficult even when I'm trying to co-parent.

I just hope he does grow up a bit more, otherwise this is going to be hard work.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 08/11/2020 21:06

Do you WANT him back?

pog100 · 08/11/2020 21:10

Haven't you talked lots about him here over the years?

AnyFucker · 08/11/2020 21:13

When did he last see your daughter ?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 08/11/2020 21:16

Slippery, I'd love to be a family. However I've come around to realising it probably won't ever work. And yes, I've spoken about it a lot of the year's - is that a problem? A lot happened and the lovely people at mumsnet have given me some great advice.

The main thing is he wants to be in our daughters life. And willing to give up his life in his beloved Australia. But he still seems very immature. I recently told him not to come back, but he seems intent on doing so. I'm just trying to work out how to deal with him when he does.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 08/11/2020 21:19

Yeah he thinks he can walk back into your life and you will continue to wipe his arse and take care of everything

Tell him you want him to come back get a job pay child support and have contact with his child while you go out on a date see how keen he is then

PicsInRed · 08/11/2020 21:24

Have you posted about this before? There was some meet up, with your daughter meeting him at a restaurant or something? The consensus was that he was a bellend, and not to pin your's or your daughter's hopes on him?

I think that advice stands. I think you are projecting what you want, in terms of a nuclear family, onto him, and I believe that he will continue to disappoint you as he doesn't want this with you.

I would strongly suggest therapy to move past this. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't spend it yearning over a mirage.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 08/11/2020 21:24

He is paying now which is good. But I plan on getting him to babysit while I go on dates 😆 he is going to bloody hate it but tough! I've started dating again, having him here will make it much easier.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 08/11/2020 22:07

Sorry but what? he's decided to try and work things out with me

Do YOU have any say in this? Do you have your own free will or are you just sitting waiting patiently for him to grow up and grace you with his presence? Do you love him? Like him? Give a shit about him?

Just make sure he knows if he wants to come back from Australia he's doing it for himself, not you or your dd.

BeaMends · 08/11/2020 22:19

He's decided, has he? Bully for him.

Has he decided whether or not you actually get a say in this?

madcatladyforever · 08/11/2020 22:57

So he thinks he can just come and go as he likes? I would not count on this as being for anyone's benefit but his. If he is coming back he wants something. Money, somewhere to live, a dosshouse.

SpongeWorthy · 08/11/2020 23:16

This relationship dynamic is so dysfunctional and unhealthy that I recognised you just from the mention of Australia as I've read lots of your threads over the years. This is absolute madness.

You are doing your daughter such a disservice to not draw a line under any discussion of a romantic relationship.

You can coparent with him without being in a relationship and if he doesn't want to coparent without being in a relationship then frankly it's not in your daughters best interest for him to be that involved in her life.

Again, OP - when a stranger recognises how unhealthy a relationship is from threads on a forum over a long time, it's a sign it's memorably dysfunctional.

What are you thinking?!

Krampusasbabysitter · 08/11/2020 23:39

I remember previous threads about the feckless Aussie dude too and am quite frankly astounded that you are expecting him to co-parent. I don't think it is fair to set up your DC for being dropped again. If he really is coming back to the UK, then he needs to very slowly show that he can be trusted to step up and man the fuck up.

S00LA · 08/11/2020 23:48

You say a lot about what he wants.

And a little about what you want.

But not one single word about what is in your daughters best interest.

It seems that he’s not the only one who needs to grow up here.

Valkadin · 09/11/2020 00:57

Do not get him to babysit in your house that is just odd. Plus whatever you do in your life is nothing to do with him unless it is ever harmful to your DD. You also sound childish about it all.

StraightTalkingSally · 10/11/2020 17:19

Hi Cherryblossom, I would say it depends. Meet up with him for a coffee when he is back and explain to him this is not a family you can just walk in/out off. Explain to him you will have to earn your stripes if you want to be with this and if you don't like it... leave! You need to set clear boundaries and then if he accepts them, give him a chance bit by bit and see how he gets on, if not tell him to go back to his playboy life of filth!

x

Daleksatemyshed · 10/11/2020 17:33

@Cherryblossom200 it sounds very much like he still thinks you're waiting for him, he'll come home to you both and be a happy family under one roof. Tell him he can be a Dad but that's his lot, I'd bet money he thinks he'll talk you round

SandyY2K · 10/11/2020 17:51

It seems like he knows the door is ajar, hence he wants to try and work things out with you.

nevermorelenore · 10/11/2020 17:54

Does he actually want to work things out, or does he want somewhere to crash in the UK and play happy families for a bit while he gets settled?

Coriandersucks · 10/11/2020 18:00

I remember your previous posts. I find it odd that he’s coming over to work things out with you but you’re just going to use him for babysitting to go on dates. I can’t see how that’s going to encourage him to be the big family man you are hoping he will turn into.

It sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse and the only person who’s going to get really messed up by it is your daughter.

Standrewsschool · 10/11/2020 18:07

Is he assuming he’s going to live at your?

I think it’s great he wants a relationship With his daughter. He’ll probably play the Disney dad. I would take it slowly as he’s probably a stranger to her.

How old is your daughter? How does she feel about her dad moving back? Excited? Indifferent?

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 10/11/2020 18:10

I bet he's fucked something up in Aus that he's now running from...!

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