It’s happened again

[Clara2000]

So a few years ago I had a 4 year relationship. He ended it with me, started dating other women within 3 weeks of our breakup. Tried to get back with me, I didn’t push too much for this as I was angry/hurt that a)he had ended it and left me to pack up our home on my own and b)that he had gone on dates within weeks of our breakup. He then started a serious relationship within weeks of trying to get back with me, they got engaged after a year. I had waited 4 years for a proposal and he gave it to someone else after a year. Obviously I was very hurt and angry. I felt and still feel that this guy had wasted the best years of my life and may have dashed my hopes of being a mother due to simply wasting my time. He acknowledges what he did and has apologised but we have no contact anymore.

I finally get myself to a point where I can date again. I give it a lot of time and effort and meet a few guys. Most dates go well and it’s a great confidence boost. One guy I’m not initially attracted to but as he’s so lovely I decide to give him a shot. He wants to be my boyfriend and after being a bit reluctant (due to being hurt previously) I end up in a relationship with him for two years. He’s kind, considerate and knows what I went through with the other guy. He promises me regularly that he’ll never hurt me or waste my time etc. He whisks me away regularly, brought me to Paris for our 6 month anniversary, Vienna for the year anniversary. He says he feels so lucky to have me and that we’ll get married one day. We live apart as our work situations dictate it that way, but we acknowledge that we’ll soon compromise when his contract comes to an end. Lockdown hits in March and I expect him to invite me to lockdown with him as I’ll now be working from home. He doesn’t ask and I’m disappointed but I don’t say anything. I can’t ask him as I live with others and he’s still going to work in his area anyway. Anyway, we don’t see each other at all during the first lockdown. Things are relatively normal with communication otherwise. He says he misses me etc. We see each other in June after 3 months apart. Then in July I feel his texts are getting shorter. I know not to ignore intuition so I ask him straight out if everything is ok. He swears to me that we’re fine and it’s just because he’s working long hours. Fast forward to august, lack of communication is getting worse so I ask him again, he says he’s stressed as work might be transferring him to a different country. But again, we’re fine. He even mentions refusing the offer and staying here to be with me, finding work elsewhere. A couple of weeks later he says he’s coming to see me. I get excited to see him as I think he’s finally got the time to see me again and we can get back to a routine again. Turns out he’s come to break up with me as his feelings have changed.
I knew things had changed due to lockdown but I gave him an out twice and both times i was reassured that we were fine. He says he knows how great I am but his feelings are not what they were. He says he doesn’t believe he’s capable of committing, needs to work on himself etc. I ask if there’s anyone else, he swears there isn’t and I tell him I believe him but in my head I convince myself he’s met someone else at work. I also tell him how selfish it is to start a relationship with someone when you don’t know what you want. Anyway, no contact between us since.
My friend then calls me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she saw him on a dating app. This would have been approx 4 weeks post break up. He may well have been on it before that. I can’t believe it. So basically he’s actively looking for a relationship. I’m 37 and another man has wasted my time. I don’t know how I keep picking these people. I never expected it off this one. And yes I know it ended for him a long time before he told me, but at the same time I’m surprised at his lack of respect for me to publicly look for another woman.

Aren't you back on dating apps? I don't see it as a lack of respect when he's your ex, he's probably going to string someone else along. You seem quite passive in this story op, you could have asked him about moving in during lockdown. Had you spoken about marriage or children with him? Sorry it didn't work out though

Yes we had spoken about both, regularly. Surprised I’ve come across passive aggressive, I don’t feel that way, I think I’m just confused and probably still a bit hurt. No I’m not on any apps, we were together two years, we spoke about marriage and kids and up until about 6 weeks ago I thought I’d be l with him forever so a dating app is the furthest thing from my mind! I’m just surprised he could be on one so soon I guess. I really didn’t expect that. But maybe I expected too much.

Not passive aggressive, just passive because you didn't say anything although you were unhappy about being apart for lockdown

He's probably just looking for sex on there. Shows you what he was like, and you can do better. Don't be too sad

Sorry I thought for sure passive aggressive was written there! I can be a bit of a doormat at times. I guess I thought the ball was in his court to ask me to move in and he didn’t. And I didn’t want to ask, Maybe I was too afraid he’d say no. Honestly I probably ignored my gut feeling that he’d have come up with an excuse that I shouldn’t move in. He said afterwards that he should have asked me. He did speak about committing to me regularly but never actually did a thing about it. I had my rose tinted glasses on and ignored it.

It's not you, it's them. & Probably an unpopular opinion here but I fared better back when dating when I discreetly just stopped putting all my eggs in 1 basket.

On 1 memorable occasion I went on a 1st date with a guy I'd met online via a mutual hobby. We spoke for a good while first but the reality of him was awful. We went to a show. I enjoyed the show though. Went outside for fresh air, locked eyes with a handsome man across the way and he's been my DP for 6 years now.

Re Mr Awful I'd already been on several dates with another man, but was thinking his ideas about women weren't for me, so was on the verge of saying bye bye. I didn't tell Mr Awful about him, & vice versa. Didn't feel the need to. At my age I wanted to not be with a timewaster, had done enough of that, so I decided to give myself options and try to make the best choice. Which was to not waste time on those 2 as in seeing who was the best out of a bad bunch.

In your shoes I wouldn't have become so invested, never mind what he was like before. From the moment he didn't want to spend lock down with you, that would have been it - I'd have kept my options open. I reckon that's what your man did. No shade on you, they just weren't right for you.

You're only 37 I'm much older than you. There'll be others.

Come to think of it the worst man I dated (& wasted 5 years on in another wtf was I doing life) whisked me off to Paris 3 times. It's not the big gestures and fancy talk that matters. It's a man wanting to be with you in day to day life, even when it's not exciting, and making it happen because he loves and wants to be with you.

@DeeCeeCherry

It's not you, it's them. & Probably an unpopular opinion here but I fared better back when dating when I discreetly just stopped putting all my eggs in 1 basket.

On 1 memorable occasion I went on a 1st date with a guy I'd met online via a mutual hobby. We spoke for a good while first but the reality of him was awful. We went to a show. I enjoyed the show though. Went outside for fresh air, locked eyes with a handsome man across the way and he's been my DP for 6 years now.

Re Mr Awful I'd already been on several dates with another man, but was thinking his ideas about women weren't for me, so was on the verge of saying bye bye. I didn't tell Mr Awful about him, & vice versa. Didn't feel the need to. At my age I wanted to not be with a timewaster, had done enough of that, so I decided to give myself options and try to make the best choice. Which was to not waste time on those 2 as in seeing who was the best out of a bad bunch.

In your shoes I wouldn't have become so invested, never mind what he was like before. From the moment he didn't want to spend lock down with you, that would have been it - I'd have kept my options open. I reckon that's what your man did. No shade on you, they just weren't right for you.

You're only 37 I'm much older than you. There'll be others.

Come to think of it the worst man I dated (& wasted 5 years on in another wtf was I doing life) whisked me off to Paris 3 times. It's not the big gestures and fancy talk that matters. It's a man wanting to be with you in day to day life, even when it's not exciting, and making it happen because he loves and wants to be with you.

Yes I wholeheartedly agree on this. I told him countless times that the gifts, the trips etc were nice but they weren’t the reason I was with him and that time and effort was a lot more valuable to me. I actually didn’t invest in him that early on, we had been seeing each other for about 4 months before we became official. In those initial few months I know for a fact that he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I can’t say the same! He really was the driver in making this official. I know the issue really does lie with him, but I can’t pick another dud! I’ll go insane! I can understand someone not loving you anymore, that happens. But the disrespect of saying one thing, being ‘distraught’ to be ending it, and then going online a few weeks later....that’s a choice.

So sorry for you. He was checking out through lockdown and you felt it. He is on dating apps for the ego boost and hopefully to get lucky, nothing else I would assume. Lots of men jump straight to dating after a split its just what they do. When you are ready get back on there too. Next time speak up with what you want.

I thought I had been better at speaking up during this relationship as I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before. I told him very early on that a home, marriage and children were what I wanted and if I didn’t get them within a certain time I’d be outta there. I said this in a very nice way, not a crazy bunny boiler way! The only thing I was slow to act on was the lockdown stuff. I knew he was under pressure at work abs maybe that made me a bit more understanding than I should have been. I was also probably hopeful that when his contract ended I’d get everything I was waiting for and to be a bit more patient.

Also wondering. I’ve had my fair share of breakups. They always reached out to check in, just to see if I am ok etc. This is the first time that someone hasn’t. I know that probably makes the moving on easier, but I’ve never experienced that before. Is that common?

But the disrespect of saying one thing, being ‘distraught’ to be ending it, and then going online a few weeks later....that’s a choice.

Lots of people go on dating websites way before they're ready. They're not over the relationship at all, they just want to rush to move on so they don't have to deal with the emotions and loss that they are feeling. You also said he's basically actively looking for a relationship, you don't know that, he might just want sex, he might just want a woman to flirt with.
Perhaps he didn't realise when you gave him the out that his feelings for you had changed a lot, so many people struggled massively with lockdown, he might have put it down to that and only realised later on that his feelings for you had changed.

Also wondering. I’ve had my fair share of breakups. They always reached out to check in, just to see if I am ok etc. This is the first time that someone hasn’t. I know that probably makes the moving on easier, but I’ve never experienced that before. Is that common?

I'd have thought it was more common not to.

It wouldn't occur to le to 'reach out' to someone I'd broken up with to check they were ok and nor would i expect it back from them.

I've remained in contact with my most recent ex because, after a few months, it became clear that all we had was friendship so we ended the relationship and remained friends. But other than that, no, never.

As for the rest of it, totally agree with user1481840227

It sounds as if he’d been distant for a while so from his POV contacting you would make no sense. I think he was perhaps really dreading your reaction to breaking up with you and the ensuing guilt rather than distraught himself. As for going on dating apps, different people make different choices. I know it is hurtful but it sounds as though he is ready to meet someone else even if it’s just for a hook up even if you are not. Some people cannot stand to be alone. You only have to look at the speed some people move on after losing a life partner. Others never date again.

Sorry @Clara2000 I know how much it hurts, but your ex has not done anything wrong, stop dwelling on the past, pick yourself up and move on

Hard not to dwell.
Time is precious .
Hope you do find the right one .

The other thing to remember is that no one owes anyone a relationship.

Even if someone does want marriage and children, it doesn't mean they'll want that with everyone they go out with. Even if you have been together for a couple of years. People ultimately have to make the choice that's right for them.

So sorry this happened to you

I do agree about the passive comment though. In hindsight you should have said something and taken control of the situation.

Also, do not just believe what people say, watch their actions. He was saying everything to keep you dangling but his actions didn't match his supposed feelings.

I guess I thought the ball was in his court to ask me to move in and he didn’t.

No, the ball was in your court to start the conversation on a topic that was important to you. These men have behaved badly but you have wasted so much time being so damn passive. It’s time to learn to prioritise your needs, instead of waiting for someone else to.

@Clara2000

I thought I had been better at speaking up during this relationship as I didn’t want a repeat of what had happened before. I told him very early on that a home, marriage and children were what I wanted and if I didn’t get them within a certain time I’d be outta there. I said this in a very nice way, not a crazy bunny boiler way! The only thing I was slow to act on was the lockdown stuff. I knew he was under pressure at work abs maybe that made me a bit more understanding than I should have been. I was also probably hopeful that when his contract ended I’d get everything I was waiting for and to be a bit more patient.

You have been better at speaking up this time! Don't crap on yourself OP, it's all a process. And you've highlighted that you should have listened to your gut and ended it when he didn't show commitment to you by asking you to lockdown with him. So you know where you went wrong this time and won't make the same mistake again.

It may be an unpopular opinion but I really think that if a man is interested he will show it, it's that simple. So when he started to pull away that was your que to cut the cord. But it sounds like you were more in control/in-tune with yourself this time than you were in your other relationship so even though this situation sucks try to see the progress you have made and will continue to make in future

And now that he has ended it you will be available when the right guy comes along.

What strikes me is why you weren't more assertive about commitment milestones with these men much earlier on.

In my 30s, within 6 months I'm making men aware of what I want and if within a year they're not interested in moving in, talking of engagement etc, I walk. Not an ultimatum mind, I do actually leave. My time is too precious and I want kids so I'm very upfront about what I want, and WHEN.

You cannot blame these men for wasting your time when you're letting them get away with disrespecting your boundaries. Stop wasting any more breath on this man who's been detaching for months. Get back on the apps. If you really want marriage and kids you're going to have to be brutal in cutting out time wasters and being more assertive.

It's a blessing too your ex isn't in touch checking on you, he's letting you move on. In that way, I'd respect him for not messing you around anymore.

I was though @JurassicParkAha
With the last guy I didn’t even wait 6 months! 4 dates in I told him what I wanted and if he wasn’t ok with it that we’d be better off calling it a day. When we were 6 months together I told him we needed to speak about living together, work commitments on both sides was the excuse for not doing that. And because the excuse was actually valid I did believe him. We lived apart as it was genuinely impossible for either of us to commute to work. However his contract had an end date in sight and he told me once that was up we’d get to live together then. It made perfect sense so I believed him but at the same time from previous experiences I was still wary and had my guard up, so I told him last January that it was too long to wait without any sort of progress or commitment and he said to prove to me that he wasn’t going to waste my time that he’d propose to me, to prove that he was actually serious and that he really wanted to be with me. He said in Feb that the proposal would come before the end of this year as he wasn’t going to lose me. So based on everything he told me, I thought we’d be living together by November 2020 latest, or engaged before that. July/August he starts pulling away. Sept he’s ended it.
So while I completely understand that I was passive with things during lockdown, I was basing it on what I was told, very convincingly, a few months prior. I definitely had all my cards on the table with this one early on, but he told blatant lies.

@IJustWantSomeBees not an unpopular opinion at all! I think if you’re second guessing a man then it tells you all you need to know. My issue with this one was that the second I felt him pull away I asked him straight up about it and he went out of his way to apologise and to assure me that I had gotten the wrong end of the stick. It’s very hard to protect yourself against someone who’s lying to you. I certainly have learnt a lot from this one too. I’ve had my closure and there’s no going back now as I found out he was back on a dating site a few weeks post break up. He’s someone else’s time waster now.

@Clara2000 reading your posts you sound very like me in my last relationship. I didn’t see it too much at the time but looking back he was very subtly in charge of what we did, where we went, when we saw each other. It wasn’t awful because they were usually things I liked and he seemed really nice.
When he started withdrawing from me I think I knew inside but didn’t want to admit it. I’m a people pleaser so I just carried on as normal. I’d never say when I was disappointed for example if he changed his plans at last minute and we couldn’t see each other. I told myself I was just being nice and easy going and not needy. In hindsight I was just dancing to his tune all the time. I’m a confident professional woman so I don’t know what happened really.
He dumped me to, lots of cliches about why, it’s not you it’s me etc. Told me he didn’t know how to be in a relationship (yeah right - he was actually already with someone else but that’s by the by).
It was such a shock when he suddenly ended it but I should have seen it coming. I’ve honestly no idea why I was so passive in that relationship, I’m not normally like that.
You will get past this and you’ll find yourself again. It takes time. Once I was out of the situation emotionally I was quite shocked by myself and how I’d been in that relationship. I don’t even know why I was like that.
Give yourself time before you look for someone else. There’s no rush at all. You deserve better

@Aminuts23 yes exactly that. If my colleagues could see me in my personal life they wouldn’t recognise me! I felt happy in the relationship but yes in the last few months we were definitely dancing only to his tune, isn’t hindsight is a wonderful thing?
There’s no rush in one way, in another way there’s a bit of a rush as I want children and I’m not getting any younger. Hard to know what to do.

@Clara2000 just don’t rush into anything. It is bonkers isn’t it? You’re right my colleagues wouldn’t have recognised me either. Good luck to you