Dating a separated man who is going through divorce any tip?

[Mums1234]

The divorce is mutual agreement and underway as they drifted apart and stayed together for kids. However, a divorce is stressful and they have things to sort out.

We've dated 6 months now, I wont sleep with him as he's still legally married and his grown up children don't know about me who he's very close to.

Hes definitely got feelings for me, we hold hands, talk, laugh, and I trust him. He puts me under no pressure for sex although I'm sure he wants too!

I've told him I'm not interested in the divorce details although he said it is stressful. It wont be finalised until spring.

I told him at the start I'm dating because I want marriage, not for the sake of it and it may not even be him, but I dont want to be the rebound etc.

I'm being patient as I'm aware his divorce will be hard, but I dont feel like a priority in his life. At 6 months I should feel a bit more.

He hasnt said he loves me, but he listens to me, remembers what I say, holds my hand etc and just how he kisses me.

He rarely mentions his ex, he said it was like they were divorced anyway.

My fear is that he'll get through divorce and say he doesnt wany to marry again, or we split as he needs space, or I'm the transitional woman. This has happened to me before and although I've learned from this, my worry is that I'm choosing men who arent available for commitment due to my abusive past.

What should I be looking for?what are the red flags?

I think your concerns are correct. How long have they been split up?

I dunno he sounds like he treats you well but I never think it’s a great idea to get serious about someone who isn’t divorced yet.

Sounds promising so far. I'm surprised 6 months in he isn't bothered about the lack if sex. Tbh if i were him, I might think you were the one with the red flags.

Assuming he no longer lives with her?
Have you seen his home environment? Does he meet you on the weekends?

I wpuldnt even be thinking of marriage. It's all well talking about tradition but safety is the most important thing. And so it should be a few years of knowing him minimum before marriage is even a thought in your head. Treat him as good company. Ask yourself - if his actions match his words. Does everything 'feel' right?

It sounds like you are being careful. Which is great. Just dont push him away without just cause. And by the same sentiment, do your homework on the guy before letting him into your heart.

You'll date a married man but won't have sex? If you're forming an emotional bond with a married man, what's the difference? He's separated and getting divorced so he's not cheating. It all seems so ridiculous and hypocritical.

Stop dating married men and then you won't be having to deal with all of these issues. You say you've learned this but clearly not.

I don't know, you're dating but no sex, no I love yous - how much priority do you expect to have at that stage?

In what contexts do you feel like you're not prioritised?

Agree with pp op on that it does seem hypocritical that you'll date him but not sleep with him. Was looking for how to put it into words but pp has it.

I mean if you're sure he and her are over and you're ok with dating someone technically still married...then why the no sex? Unless you aren't 100 percent sure thet are separated... ... in which case, you shouldn't be dating him at all.

Go all in or go home as they say.
But if you're doing the former, be bloody sure he is no longer seeing her.

Red Flags.....he is still married, you don't mention anything about if he is still living at the marital home, he is going though a tough separation, he wont know what he wants until at least a year on from his divorce, you are also a red flag as you continue to date unavailable men who are in transition. You will most likely be the transitional woman and would bet he might be starting to look elsewhere for another lady who wants to have a bit more fun with him without the serious "I want marriage" talk. Perhaps you need to stop dating for a while and get some therapy so you can deal with your past issues? You are heading on a path of hurt and trauma right now and thats not good.

Why bother OP? Why not just wait til he's single, or look for someone already single? Why is kissing and dating OK but not sex? Sounds incredibly arbitrary to me and way more trouble than it's worth. If you're really looking for something serious then learn your lesson on dating married men and go find someone with less baggage.

You won't have sex and you won't listen when he talks about the stressful situation he's going through.

And you wonder why you're not a priority?

I think it’s a little strange to be worrying about him not saying I love you yet when you’re not ready to sleep with him yet. Not saying you need to sleep with someone to love them, but you wanting to wait until his divorce to have sex would also indicate to me you want to keep things less intense on the emotions front too until his divorce. So it seems to me he is respecting your wishes?

When I met my partner he'd need seperate 18 months, his wife at the time was dating, absolutely no chance of them reuniting but no rush to divorce as they wanted a smooth transition for the children, youngest 4. It was a very slow relationship for us, which enabled everyone to get used to the changes gradually. The divorce went through without too much angst, the ex wife is now engaged and living with her new fiancee with upto 6 kids as a merged family, we are partially living together, I share 50/50 so the time I have with my child I stay home focusing on him, the rest of the time with my DP and 1 or 2 of the kids, and we all have a really good relationship, the kids are accepting of all adults and children, the adults can have conversations and attend events together, and it's benw worth the time and effort.
It's not easy, but do take your time for all concerned but especially the children

I wouldn't expect to be a priority either at this point, no sex and you're not going to have sex until he's divorced in Spring . I think if your rules were so rigid then you should have waited for the divorce to be actually completed before you started dating him!

What do you think a romantic relationship involves if not listening to the other person’s highs and lows in life and having sex? It sounds like you’ve made a big deal on here that you’re not shagging as if it’ll get you brownie points but it just makes you seem a bit weird tbh. You expect him to listen to you but won’t offer him the same courtesy. You expect him to love, prioritise and then marry you but won’t be more intimate than holding hands? You’re lucky he’s hung around as long as 6 months. If you want dating to lead to marriage then my main tip is to find someone who’s not already married...

I don’t see the point myself. Why don’t you end it and see him when he’s finally divorced? You could be missing out on meeting someone else in the meantime.

It's just the wrong time for this sort of thing for him, I wouldn't see him as marriage material at all, but you can continue to enjoy his friendship and company if you want.

Give it plenty of space and time. He needs to get over the separation whatever he says. Don't be the rebound woman. I met DH 6 months after he separated from his XW. He was mainly over it but had been on a few dates with others (no DC). I took it very slowly and it didn't get serious for another year. We've been married 11 years now. With DC in the picture I'd be very cautious and see how it plays out. If it's meant to be it will keep.

Let's be realistic - not many men will make you a priority in their life if you aren't having sex. How serious are things? In my view you can't be someone's priority/achieve that level of intimacy without sex. And not because that's callous and animalistic, but an important part of intimacy.

Are you a virgin? He clearly isn't.

Appreciate there could be a religious angle here for your views but frankly what's the difference dating and passionately kissing someone who is still married vs actually prioritising you're relationship and going for it.

Sounds like it's going well but lack of sex is a wall up, IMHO. That will work both ways so you can't expect to be a priority his side either.

I think you are wasting your time. You aren't giving or receiving the best of each other.
Have you even asked him if he would marry again.
I doubt its on his agenda unless he tells you and as you aren't sleeping with him, he isn't going to want to suggest marriage.
I'd leave him until he's divorced and see if you can find anyone suitable in the meantime

I don’t understand the logic. You’re dating him holding his hand, kissing him, want to feel like his priority, but won’t shag him because he’s married? Surely the emotional connection you wish with him and are tying to forge with him is the bigger thing there?

I think expecting marriage from someone who's not yet divorced is rushing things.

Thank you for taking the time to post.

I am clumsy with words and perhaps I didnt corm across well. However, your answers have helped me clarify things.

I think I need to know how to take relationship slow and steady. I know he isn't with me for sex, and after few dates I said I was hoping for serious. These are only ways I know how to take it slow and steady. Anything else?

Also what makes a relationship serious?

There are no guarantees in any relationship after 6 months. I wish I was better with words.

There's slow and steady and there is just plain being daft. So what if the legal bit is going through. I dated DP whilst I was getting divorced and whilst it was all amicable it was nice to have the support there. No sex for 6 months and he isn't allowed to discuss one of the most stressful things he can go through? He must really like you! I don't understand why you are looking for red flags. There aren't any. You obviously don't like him that much. Especially when you said you want marriage and maybe not to him. I'm surprised he stuck around.

@Mums1234 6 months? How did you meet him during lockdown? Just curious.

What do you think he’s getting from this relationship with you?

Surely you can't be this desperate to involve yourself with a married man whose marital bed is barely cold. The questions you're asking and your talk about marriage etc. show you're naive about how most people feel in the aftermath of a marriage and not aligned at all with his situation. Why on earth would you be expecting he would be prioritising you at all in his situation, and at six months at that

I mean this kindly, but do work on your self esteem OP as the way you've latched onto him as a rebound is not healthy at all. It's very unlikely what you have with him would end up as something long term serious.

I second the other person about how you met him during this period of social distancing and lockdowns. Hopefully you weren't a contributing factor in his decision to start ending their marriage?

Sticking with anyone through a divorce is tricky. IMO, men always want to know someone is there for them during stressful times, however when they have their heads straight again, the person who they are dating is not often who the want to be with.
Myself and my ex turned into utterly vile, destructive and truly bonkers aliens during our divorce. Thank god no one had to put up with me !!