Close to Perfect

[Trumpyouredone]

Those of who are or were dating in your 40s/50s when there aren't many decent men around, how fussy were you when you settled down?

I've been OLD for a while following my divorce.
There have no been any crackers, or even anyone who I wanted a short term relationship with.
Ideally I'm looking for the live of my life, but do I need to be realistic unless I want to live alone for the next 40 odd years?
I'm very happy being single, but I know I could be much happier with a lovely guy in my life.

Do you have to drop your standards to find someone if you don't want to be alone forever? I feel it's complete fluke if you find someone who is 'perfect' for you and actually most relationships starting at this age are compromises?

Eg would you date a guy who was great in every way, but not very good looking etc?

I once thought a a thing which was ( along the lines of vingt et un - so the card game where you have to get 21 with a face card and/or an ace .. others will know the rules better ) So I think my DH of 26 years is a five card trick - the best score other than two cards - so I thought he was funny , then I thought he was lovely , then I thought - Oh hello you're quite attractive ) This is a convoluted way of saying - my husband is funny attractive clever kind - would anyone want to book him to be a model - no - even I can see this , but I think attractiveness is different to good looks I don't consider I have dropped my standards - he's a keeper.

I have a friend dating in her late 40s and the things she will dismiss people for seem to me to be , well let us say trivial. I think if you have a good connection with someone and you think - Oh this could work - and there is something where you think Oh yes - give it a go

Probably has not helped , but best wishes @Trumpyouredone

I have a friend dating in her late 40s and the things she will dismiss people for seem to me to be , well let us say trivial.
Do you mean that she should give anyone half-decent a go? If it's not there it just isn't there.

I don't think that any of us are perfect

When I was hoping for a new partner, I had a list of things that I hoped for

A couple of things I compromised on
The big issues, I stayed true to my original list

Ive been lucky !

I don't think you should let your standards slip. I don't think this has been a very good year for dating anyway. Hopefully next year will be better.

I think in 50s I'll be looking for mr right now rather than mr long term tbh. I mean who wants to grow old with an old man? Snoring and farting next to you. Running around after him well in your 70s. Fuck that.

Fair enough if you had kids together to tie you but otherwise...

Think I would just look to play it by ear as i move into the later years of life. Growing old with someone might sound nice but in reality...being a cougar in Mexico would probably be better xD

@Bunnymumy

I think in 50s I'll be looking for mr right now rather than mr long term tbh. I mean who wants to grow old with an old man? Snoring and farting next to you. Running around after him well in your 70s. Fuck that.

Fair enough if you had kids together to tie you but otherwise...

Think I would just look to play it by ear as i move into the later years of life. Growing old with someone might sound nice but in reality...being a cougar in Mexico would probably be better xD

Yeah, sex tourism isn't on my reserve list and won't be @Bunnymumy

It depends what your standards are really.

'Good looking' is surely subjective? And less important than 'attractive'.

Personal qualities? No, I wouldn't compromise on them.

I suppose it depends what your deal breakers are and how happy you are to be long term single

But at the very least you need to be attracted to them and they should be fully paid up members of the human race.

No sex is better than bad sex.
No partner is better than a bad partner.

Sometimes you are better off alone.

@Bunnymumy hilarious 😂
I was in a LDR for 9 years and it worked well until a business problem (his) last year and COVID this year which resulted in us finishing. I then reheated the soup with an ex we are now living together- he is house trained very good looking sex is great not wealthy but solvent however I know that my vision of life long term is different to his I have a lot of living to do and I want to work and see a lot more of the world. I’m already cooking more than I ever have done which is ok right now but long term I don’t think so - a lot of men seem to want a woman to slot into the space left by the last and I still think there has to be a lot in the pot to make it worthwhile especially for women who end up doing most of the shit work sadly. To be honest I was really happy with my life before COVID but didn’t realise just how happy

Physical attraction is a must, I’m not saying he has look like Idris Alba or Brad Pitt, he just has to look like he takes care of himself, and sadly a lot of the 40+ men haven’t. Attraction is key, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for misery. Don’t drop your standards.

I'm happy to live alone. I just don't want to live without intimacy or affection. I'm in my late 40s and would rather have a lover, or lovers, than a boyfriend or another husband. Domestic life is dull, as are other peoples' families. I want to share good times and life is too short to settle.

Covid is not helping right now but better alone than with someone you don't really want to be with.

I think it definitely becomes more and more difficult in your 40/50's.not
You certainly know what you don't want....one persons idea of perfect may well be not someone elses. I remember asking an ex what she was hoping for in a man. 6ft + Financially independent, multi-diy skills, Own property with no mortgage. Great sense of humour, well dressed, confident and well hung, non-smoker, no dependants or must have grown up children. A desire to travel, must enjoy cycling and watersports. An Audi or BMW would be nice but a decent estate car would suffice for transporting her dog...oh must like dogs and prepared to visit naturist beaches.
Apart from the watersports I totally fitted the part.....in my dreams

I think this is what I’m struggling with @cheerup domestic life IS DULL !!! I am financially independent through completely my own endeavour more so than a lot of men I am paying 18 months more of school fees then I’m off to see what’s what ! I have lived on my own fir 14 years and I don’t think domestication is my forte plus I find food shopping planning etc so DULL !

@MikeUniformMike - no when I say trivial - I mean e.g doesn't live in the right county - I completely agree if there is no connection - well just no - but do not dismiss a chap because you have a platonic ideal in your head - equally don't settle for someone who look like the right sort of person but there is no spark

I am not sure this is helpful - but there you go

Interesting question. I think you have to reassess what’s really important to you because you might change slightly with age.. for example if you’ve always felt a shit hot sex life was non negotiable, you might happily trade that for great companionship in your 50’s/60’s.

Of course it’s a compromise, it’s doubtful you will meet the perfect person. He may not make you laugh but he’s smart, kind and generous. The only criteria is that you would need to be a lot happier with him than without him.

For me, I make far far less compromises now (40s OLD) than I did when I was dating in my 20s. Then, I was anxious to get married so I let the fact that my exh was selfish slide. After all, no ones perfect were my thoughts. Now, I'm much stricter. I've no need for a man apart from sex. I have (girl) friends for fun, children for love, am solvent. So, no, for me it's the perfect man or I'll stay single thanks.

You're not perfect so don't expect perfection. You won't have the appeal in your forties as you had at 25, you have to judge on a different set of standards.

Focus more on character, lifestyle, personality, compatibility and chemistry than looks or anything superficial.

@ReneeRol

You're not perfect so don't expect perfection. You won't have the appeal in your forties as you had at 25, you have to judge on a different set of standards.

Focus more on character, lifestyle, personality, compatibility and chemistry than looks or anything superficial.

I'm in my mid-forties. I definitely don't have the sexual appeal to men that I had when I was 25, but I have so many other qualities and attributes that weren't developed by that age. In a way I am a much better 'catch' now. I was quite insecure when I was young, and I had too much attention from men, this lead to jealousy and control from my ex's at the time. I'm way more sexual confident now, and I've got my own house, a great job and a nicer car etc. (I know those aren't necessarily the assets women are judged on - but considering all the cock-lodger threads on here, lots of men obviously consider it a plus - not that I would ever take in a cock-lodger unless he could give me daily multiple orgasms and did all the housework/cooking and gardening ) There's pros and cons in dating an older woman, I know my worth now and love being single so I feel very powerful out there when I'm dating. There's not much to choose from, but maybe one day I'll meet someone who interests me.

@Trumpyouredone
Dammit, you're my competition, I feel exactly the same!
I'm not sure what your age range is set at, but have you tried looking at the 30 somethings? You are right, we are a catch, but especially to that age group, because we don't want their babies!

*or their money!

@Trumpyouredone @arethereanyleftatall
You are both my competitors! I feel exactly the same way but I’m not keen to date younger I’m 53 but jeez I’m finding all the older men too old in their attitudes and behaviour and don’t start me on their grumpiness

Different things are important to different people, so no, as looks are important to me, I couldn't get together with someone with a face like a potato. Even if I managed it fur a few weeks, I get something I call "the fear" allied with an overriding desire to escape the relationship if I don't really fancy them.

I find posh men and younger men are better bets. Posh men are always splitting up anyway but usually treat you quite well, and they take longer to settle down anyway.

I divorced at 40 and did the whole online dating thing. I hated it, but I wouldn't have "settled" for someone. I think in my 40's I've got more confidence and even less likely to settle for someone than I was when I was younger. But also I know what are big no-no's for me, and I know what are just little things not that important in the grand scheme of things.

And in the end I've re-married to an amazing man who couldn't be much more perfect if he tried. And by that I mean perfect for me. I don't think I would have got that when I was younger because I wasn't confident enough to be straight about things that make me unhappy, or things that make me happy.

I'd be sad to think people are settling for someone just because they feel they should. However it might be that some things become more important than they used to be, which weren't so important when you were younger.

My MIL has done it in her seventies, same interests and genuinely seem to care for each other. Moved in together after six months and still going strong two years later. I think it can definitely happen. No one should just settle though, I’d hate to settle or be settled for.