Family crisis - PIL and adult SIL with learning disability

[WhenInDoubtSmileandPout]

Hi, I'm looking for advice on this very difficult situation.

SIL is early 40s and has a relatively mild learning disability. She's has a part-time job and lives independently in a house 15 mins walk to my PIL's. She's had a difficult time recently due to a number of things and she now says she no longer wants to live on her own (after 10+ years!). She also says she's not going back to work.

SIL is very difficult to be around. She's very set in her ways and her presence can be suffocating. She demands to move in with my PIL, who are in their mid 70s and who she constantly clashes with. They've said no and have explained why to exhaustion but she's just not having it. If she's at hers she'll phone them relentlessly or she'll turn up at her house and refuse to leave. She refuses to see her support workers.

I know she's lonely and depressed, but her impact on my PIL is frightening. They are in a terrible state about it his whole thing. They've eventually left her stay, temporarily, until the end of lockdown. This is a mistake, in my view, as she's unlikely to ever move out voluntarily. She's not aggressive, just horrible to live with (sorry, I know it's not her fault). She argues constantly with my PILs and generally makes their lives hell - I fear that my FIL might end up with a hear attack or one of them might hurt her or themselves. It is that bad.

Do you have any suggestions? Can social services find her emergency sheltered accommodation perhaps?

Has she actually given notice on her house or flat? (assuming she rents). If she has a support worker obviously tell them so they can support her to return. If she has officially left then it is more difficult but ultimately your PIL have to tell her to leave and mean it.

Harsh but otherwise she will stay and if they let her then no one will help her get a home as she already has one with them.

My PIL own the house she's living in. Her support workers are aware of the situation but she's just refusing to accept she needs to move to her house. It's really hard.

Could they pay for someone to live with her to support her care? Or perhaps a supported housing facility?

Have you got any contact with the local NHS Community Learning Disability Team? They’ll be a multi-professional team who may be able to offer advice and support.

Does she need any kind of care? How do her learning difficulties present?

And what does your DH think?

Having someone live with my SIL sounds like a good idea, but I bet she'd refuse. She's the most negative person I've ever encountered.

I think my in-laws need to be ruthless with her. They need to force her out of the house - but this might entail physically pushing her out whilst she's begging to stay - not something most parents can do.

It's difficult, because she's obviously distressed. But this is killing them.

I have to say, from a selfish point of view, that I dread the day they are no longer here. I cannot bear the thought of having to deal with her.

She's got low IQ and might he on the ASD. She's not been diagnosed with that but to my untrained eye she shows some symptoms.

Realistically though only your PIL can stop this by being firm. I don’t see any other way out. No one else is going to be firm for them.

My DH s supportive of his parent and is acting as a mediator. He agrees she needs to go back to her house but it's such a massive drama to get her out of PIL's that they're not able to.

There was talk of a social worker visiting, my FIL wasn't too optimistic they could do much, but surely they can? There must be some help for crisis like thus?

Does she have a care package from social services?

My SIL threatens to phone the police if she's left in her house and her dad leaves the phone off the hook. I say to my husband that she should be allowed to do that as that might trigger some intervention. Am I right there?

She has some support workers that see her three times a week to go shopping, help her clean the house, things like that.

I can only sympathise, we have a similar issue in our extended family and it creates a lot of tension. You are correct though, if our experience is anything to go by, she won't move back to her home as she will think her PIL's home is now hers too.

I don't have an answer, I wish I did, but I do think if it gets bad enough you and your DH may have to intervene. We tried to do this but MIL backed down and wouldn't insist she left so we were back to square one. The phone is constantly ringing with another issue or other though. It is very wearing for everyone.

Good luck!

What level of capacity does she have - presumably she's able to make decisions for herself?
Does she have any friends or social non family support?
What's the age gap like between her and her support workers? Did she have any say in choosing her support workers?

It sounds to me as though she's lonely, anxious and struggling to express what's she's feeling. Moving back into her parents probably removes throes feelings even if she's not easy to be around.
My suggestion would be to try and find a few good support workers who have similar interests. Who are either the same age or younger than her. So she not feeling too bossed about. I wouldn't use an agency.
I'd then try if possible and get family members to make commitments to spend short periods with her every day so she has something to look forward to. But not the same person each time. And it be conditional on her moving back to her house.

@WhenInDoubtSmileandPout

My SIL threatens to phone the police if she's left in her house and her dad leaves the phone off the hook. I say to my husband that she should be allowed to do that as that might trigger some intervention. Am I right there?

The police are highly unlikely to do anything other than reassure her. If they had serious concerns for her welfare they would contact social services

@WhenInDoubtSmileandPout

She has some support workers that see her three times a week to go shopping, help her clean the house, things like that.

It sounds to me like she needs at least daily support if not more

Sadly it sounds like more than your PIL can handle. Has she ever tried living with anyone else before?

Social services will tell your PILs that if they don't want her there then they need to kick her out. Harsh but true.

They also won't find emergency accommodation for someone that already has somewhere to live, whether that's her current flat or her parents house.

Thanks, that's useful.

Her support workers are close in age to her and lovely people. She's been with one of them for several years but now she doesn't want to see her. This is, I think, because she's encouraging her to move back home.

My DH will encourage her parents to be more firm and insist they move her out. It's so hard...

Would she be eligible for some sort of supported accommodation? Based on her needs rather than her housing issues?
My friend had the same problem with her sister , wanting to stay with elderly parents. She tried to put it to her that her parents would be looking for help and people her own age would be better for her.
Not an easy situation for anyone involved.

Can you and your DH coordinate with your ILs to move her back home while your ILs are out? It would save them from the scene.

I haven't been through this myself but my parents have with my aunt.

Longer-term, sheltered housing sounds a better bet for your SIL than living alone. This might take quite some time but don't despair over what will happen once your ILs die. Significantly more sheltered housing options open up once your SIL is 50 as that's the age bracket where she starts to be eligible for sheltered housing for elderly people.

My aunt lives in a shared house with two other people with learning disabilities and live-in carers. She's very happy there; much more so than she was living in her own home.

Re the arguments, can your PIL adopt the grey rock technique, ignore? It might take away some of the energy and tension? This may make it bearable until 2/12? If PIL have said that she can stay until then?

Can she be reasoned with? If she stops bad behaviour she can stay until 2/12 if not she needs to go now?

Would police involvement scare her into reason? The example that you gave about PIL taking phone off the hook?

If she won’t see her care worker what is the agencies policy? Can that be escalated?

OP,
This sounds so very hard on everyone.

Your concern for your PIL is palpable.

Are there any supports for the elderly in your area?

Your PIL are being abused by there daughter.

I understand it is perhaps beyond her control, but she is terrorising your PIL, and they need support from SS as much as she does.

They have a right to live peacefully.

I would look for interventions on their behalf.

Clearly they don't want to live with her.
Take that as the starting point.

They shouldn't be forced to house their daughter.

Interventions on their behalf need to be sought.

Hi, thank you for the last replies, I didn't see them until now.

Update: the situation is escalating badly and I'm increasingly worried about my in-laws. My SIL agreed to spend last night at hers and she did - she left in a huff after an argument. Long story short, she refused to engage with her social worker or support officers and this really upset my PIL. I managed to convince them not to have her back at theirs again.

Since then, she's gone round knocking loudly on their door and demanding to be let in. They've phoned me to take her away and she was horrible, I had to threaten to phone the police (and I will next time!). I walked her home as I knew she'd walk back to her parents' the minute I left. She shouted at me all the way - "I don't want you to follow me, you're stalking me". Passers-by looked alarmed and I guess it did look like I was stalking her... eventually I had to let her go (I had left my 3 school-aged kids at home alone for this).

She was back at her parents within 20 minute. Then my husband got home from work and took over.

Just imagine the impact of this on my PIL.

What emergency service could deal with this if things get even worse? The police? I have no idea what to do, but at least I'm pleased my PIL are on board in terms of not letting her back in.

Bumping up