Family crisis - PIL and adult SIL with learning disability

[WhenInDoubtSmileandPout]

Hi, I'm looking for advice on this very difficult situation.

SIL is early 40s and has a relatively mild learning disability. She's has a part-time job and lives independently in a house 15 mins walk to my PIL's. She's had a difficult time recently due to a number of things and she now says she no longer wants to live on her own (after 10+ years!). She also says she's not going back to work.

SIL is very difficult to be around. She's very set in her ways and her presence can be suffocating. She demands to move in with my PIL, who are in their mid 70s and who she constantly clashes with. They've said no and have explained why to exhaustion but she's just not having it. If she's at hers she'll phone them relentlessly or she'll turn up at her house and refuse to leave. She refuses to see her support workers.

I know she's lonely and depressed, but her impact on my PIL is frightening. They are in a terrible state about it his whole thing. They've eventually left her stay, temporarily, until the end of lockdown. This is a mistake, in my view, as she's unlikely to ever move out voluntarily. She's not aggressive, just horrible to live with (sorry, I know it's not her fault). She argues constantly with my PILs and generally makes their lives hell - I fear that my FIL might end up with a hear attack or one of them might hurt her or themselves. It is that bad.

Do you have any suggestions? Can social services find her emergency sheltered accommodation perhaps?

Yes, police initially to deal with the immediate problem of her being somewhere she isn't welcome and refusing to leave. Lots of police teams now have specialist workers linked with health that deal sensitively with issues like this for people with LD or MH issues.

Longer term she needs a referral to her learning disability nursing team for some input around her presentation. She may have a learning disability but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't have the capacity to understand how her actions are impacting on her parents.

She sounds bored, out of her usual routines, lonely and anxious but her support workers need to be working with her to build coping strategies to manage this, or just generally distracting her from bothering her parents.

Yes, call the police if needed. They can get emergency social services involved.

Thank you. I didn't know about the specialist LD /MH police teams. I know it's hard for my PILs, but I think police intervention might be needed if things get worse.

Definitely the police.

This must be heartbreaking for ye all but your PILS cant have her living with them.
End of.

There needs to be third party intervention to protect your PILs...they have a right to a peaceful home.

Involve the police that can involve SS.

Okay - lots of stuff going on here. Your SIL (for whatever reason) has decided that she no longer wants to live on her own. Is she able to articulate what she wants?

I think I'd be asking the social worker to call an emergency case conference via Zoom as this has reached crisis point. She is playing on the heart strings of your PIL but she might be frightened too.

Definitely a case conference needs to be called and in the longer term you might want to look at engaging a professional to set up a Circle of Support for your SIL so your PIL are getting more support.

I think you and DH need to stop tag teaming and your PIL need to lock the door, close the curtains and turn the TV up. I know that’s a horrendous suggestion, but you and dh can’t lead her home again and again and your pil can’t cope being bullied in their own home. So one way or another, either they capitulate again or you get to the point where you stop. Ring SS, ring the support worker, ring any local advice services. But there’s no point kidding your selves that leading her home repeatedly will work.

Yes ignore her or Police. PILs need to be firm.You should not assist. If you do, and she gets used to it, mark my words that when PILs pass, she'll want to live with you.

You didn't marry into the family to acquire that problem.

What were the difficult things that caused her not to want to live in her own home after being there for 10 years?

I think it's really difficult to say the PILs should ignore her. If they ignore her and that makes her feel worse, what then, what if she threatens to harm herself unless they let her in for example? As her parents they are hardly going to ignore that.
Is she a danger to herself? I'm no expert in social care but could she also have a mental health assessment and get support through that route, or does that come with the social workers?
If she doesn't want to live alone how about sheltered accommodation?
I'm so sorry for you and your PILs It sounds horribly stressful.

Thanks all. My PILs did the right things today - they locked their door, closed their curtains and didn't interact with my SIL when she was banging on their door. I can't imagine how hard that was for them, I hope they can keep doing it so she gets the message. My husband is taking the day off work today to support my PILs and ensure she doesn't come in.

I agree this has reached crisis point. A social worker is involved but my FIL doesn't seem very optimistic about what she can do. I don't know much about the ins and outs of their meeting though.

I agree my husband and I can't keep being involved so closely. This is a short-term "strategy" until social services (or the police, or some other team) take over. I fear my FIL might have a heart attack over this, that's why we're helping.

One of you asked what's happened for SIL to stop wanting to live on her own. It's a number of things: the end of a good relationship that brought her much happiness, a minor health issue she refuses to treat and is now giving her a lot of trouble, lockdown, winter. She's genuinely distressed and I feel for her, but I feel for my PILs much more. She has given them hell over and over, for one thing or another, for most of her life.

And yes, I'm absolutely terrified of the time my PILs are no longer here. She will never live with us, however much she wants to - but that won't stop her trying to. If you have any advice on what to do it'll be very gratefully received!

This sounds horrendous, and heartbreaking for all of you. ( I have a thread running regarding trying to support someone with significant needs who demands to live with me, so I totally empathize).
I think,hard as it is,your PIL need to " greyrock" and call MH services or police each time she behaves like this.
As long as you are seen to be " coping " even if its destroying your life,then stretched services wont do anything.
Is she on any medication, or has she stopped it suddenly? Her behaviour sounds extremely challenging.