If you were a victim of DV, were you believed?

[JustAQuickNameChange1]

As the title says really.

My husband is the charming, lovely, kind, family man who quit his job to start a (successful) business to spend more time with his wife and daughter. He is constantly posting on social media about how much he adores me, how I'm paramount to his success, it's stomach curdling. SIL knows he has been violent on for 3 years and has been encouraging me to leave but if push came to shove, would she testify against her brother?

Will friends/family/the police believe me?

He is careful and never goes far enough to leave obvious marks but I do have a recording where he admits to a particularly nasty event. He doesn't know I have this.

I believe you.

And I think anyone working in the field know these classic traits of masking the truth.

Are you planning to get out?

links to support in this thread

No. But I was still able to leave.

Do you have plans?

Yes, everyone believed me. He sounded very convincing but apart from his mother, nobody bought his bullshit as they'd seen it all before.

@user17163254865

No. But I was still able to leave.

Do you have plans?

Do they believe you now?

@SummerHouse I don't have a plan. I wasn't actively planning but today he put his hands around my neck and told me he was going to kill me, twice, and I believed him.

Report to the police now. This can't go on.

Some people did, most didn’t. I only had the police to testify against him as they arrested him running after me down the street in my nighty after he had strangled me and smacked my head against a cupboard so hard it was bleeding and I ran out the house barefoot.... I found out I was pregnant shortly after I left and not many people did believe he did any of it... until he abused his next girlfriend and her 18month old baby while he was still under suspended sentence for what he did to me and got 3 and a half years in prison... he only did 13 months but we haven’t heard from him in a while after court refused him access! Please stay strong, it’s not about who believes you but how much you believe in you! You can get through this 💕💕💕💕💕

Look. Seriously. You're looking for something that isn't actually relevant. Any agencies who are tasked with investigating these things, will approach it with an open mind. You know it's true though. You know. You thought you were going to die today. (I wish I could just give you a hug!).

Friends and family members, some might surprise you, some will act exactly as you expect and have your back, others will act exactly as you expect and have his..... It's irrelevant. Be honest and....., get the fuck out of there. I'll tell you, I work with some pretty tough people, if anyone put hands round their necks and said they were going to die, they would be on their knees, as would I.

You have to leave. You know what he's capable of. That's all that matters. The rest will ..... It will fall whatever way it does. You want to think about strategy and how to do it? Then start thinking about that. And posting about that. Xxxxxx

No. He’s very manipulative and I even had the police asking if I ‘was sure’ it happened the way I told them It was only when I kept calling them and it was all in their database that he was flagged up on their system
My solicitor and the court saw straight through him tho
Family and friends still don’t really believe me
However I left which is the main thing.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if people believe it. The important thing is to leave and be safe

I believe you
It's very common for abusive men to present a charming, successful exterior, and agencies know this.
The fact that he had his hands on your throat you should take very seriously.
Check out the links, find a local agency who can help you make plans safely.

Be very careful he can't find out what you are thinking- delete your search history and maybe get a second phone
good luck

I believe you.
My own mother didn’t believe me ! I left and am happily remarried .
30+ years later I have no regrets . Meanwhile ex has abused at least 3 other women .
Leave. Please.

You need to leave before he kills you. Hands round neck is a massive danger sign.

And yes, you will be believed. Call the police, call Women's Aid, get out.

I believe you. But that doesn't matter. What matters is you know the truth. You know you must leave. You know it isn't safe to stay.

Here's more truth. You can leave. You can have another life. You can do it. You will be believed by enough people who matter.

Yes you will be believed. Maybe not by people close to him but you will be believed.

Please get out now.

Then not everyone believed me. Now most people do. Hardly anyone understands how truly vile he is.

For the most part people believe women who say this (despite the man claiming they wont be believed). At least, they believe there is no smoke without fire.

But really, what does it matter? You dont need other peoples validation of your experience to leave someone. You know he is a shit, a dangerous shit at that. Give yourself permission to go. People whos opinions actually matter a jot (genuine friends ect) will believe you.

The police and other agencies will believe you, they've seen it hundreds of times and are use to seeing through the mask. As for family and friends, not everyone will believe you but the people who matter will.

Honestly, people probably don't like him as much as you think. If I had a pound for every loud mouthed buffoon whose oppressed wife thought he was the "life and soul of the party", I'd be retired.

I mean, he spends all his time posting on facebook about how much he loves you? That would put most people's back's up anyway! Do you believe people's bullshit facebook stories? I know I don't.

This is all helpful, thank you. I'm just petrified he will have everyone fooled and courts will grant him custody of our daughter. I'm terrified she'll grow up with him painting me as a monster who wrecked our family and I'll look like the bad person.
She's only 10 months. I genuinely don't for a second think he'd ever harm her but equally I don't want her to be around someone who is capable of threatening to kill her mother. What if the courts don't believe me me and she'll be with him 50% of the time? I can't let that happen.

If he kills you, what then for your daughter?

Strangling or choking you is a strong indicator he may very well follow through on his threats. And in fact he might even do it unintentionally while only meaning to frighten you - please read www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Contact women's aid. Please x

Op, you say you don’t think he’d hurt your daughter. I thought the same of my ex... and he didn’t, until my little boy got to the toddler stage and could start answering him back or refusing to do what he’d said. Then the situation completely changed... just because they’re not being violent to a baby, does not mean your daughter will be safe forever from his wrath. Please trust me. Please phone Womens aid. It was the best thing I ever did and gave me the confidence to leave. They helped with all the practical and financial advice side to. Get out. Please please please. Anything he does now will continue to escalate and will get worse, NEVER better.

I'm not the victim of a man like your husband, I'm the daughter of one. I think that, there's nothing you can do to completely make this situation right. Hopefully , between honesty, disclosure and doing the right thing..... talking to people and letting this out .... I think that could do more to protect your daughter in the long run than anything else. Please consider this.

The people that mattered believed me. If you’re going to leave please make sure you go to the police, I didn’t I just ran and have spent the last 7.5 years petrified that he’d be granted access to our son if he ever sought it because I didn’t report everything he did to me. The night I believed he was going to kill me in front of our 7 month old son is the night I left and I have never regretted it.

I am on the other side.
My sister was married to a lovely man, had everything she wanted, including two gorgeous children. I thought her husband was wonderful.
She rang me one night and asked for a bed, saying she was leaving him.

Obviously, her and the girls arrived. My sister told me of the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered in silence with for years.
I immediately believed her, not just because she was a woman and my sister, but weirdly, things that always seemed so good about him became stunningly obviously just wrong.....
I felt, and still feel, guilty for not jumping all over it. But without context, some things seem sweet, loving, really nice. When you hear about the real character of the person, those things become abusive, controlling, smothering.

Tell people.
Hojestly, the amount of people who will nod sagely and say they alwats suspected there was was something 'off' about him will shock you.
You have done nothing wrong. Do not cover up for him, when asked, be factualmand tell people the truth.

Now, get out and stay out. You owe that to yourself and your daughter x