Nasty argument with my partner and now he is grieving his Dad after a sudden illness. What should I do now from my end?

[93MCM]

Me and my boyfriend had an argument and in the heat of the moment we broke up. We are long distance and took a couple of weeks apart. We still spoke everyday and then he came to my house to reconcile however that day he came his Dad fell seriously ill so I told him its Ok not to talk about ‘us’ right now and just comforted him. I helped him a lot in the first few days and then for a couple of weeks he completely shut down and we didnt talk. A couple of weeks later he started communicating with me and said he didnt have the energy to talk about the relationship while his Dad was ill - obviously this is completely understandable. Over the next few weeks he would call and end up spending 2hours at a time just talking back and forth about us and the relationship but we never really confirmed what we are doing. I mentioned to him that I understand if he needs space and cant talk but just to communicate so that I know to leave him alone. He always kept telling me he cares for me and has feelings for me but he feels numb and doesnt even want to talk to any of his friends. After a terrible few weeks illness the news came last week that his Dad passed away. He didnt tell me, I heard it through family but i did reach out by text to which he thanked me. I left him a few days knowing that space was what he needed and I tried to call just to see if he needed anything and to let him know I was there. He didnt answer but later text to say he just didnt feel ready to talk just yet. I told him thats completely fine and just to take his time to heal. After loosing my Grandad 5 years ago, grief is something I completely understand and naturally I want to support him and help him if and when he needs it. However I am feeling stuck because of the rough patch we had before his Dad fell ill. It wasnt a breakup as such if that makes sense it was just all out of impulse and anger when we had that nasty argument but then we never got the chance to make up and move forward from it. I know the next few months will definitely not be the time to talk about any of that. Some of my friends are telling me it was clearly a silly argument and he wouldnt have given so much of his time to talk about the problem while his Dad was ill if he didnt want to be together. I do agree, I guess and he hasnt actually told me to leave him alone or anything and even tho he isnt talkative he has replied when I have reached out so maybe I am just over thinking it too Much. I just want to get this right, i love and care and would do anything to help him. Do I step up and show him love and support or do I back off? I wont call him again for the next few weeks because he isnt ready for talking to anybody right now. I was thinking a text message every few days just to send him some love and let him feel the support is there when he is ready for it but i dont want him to feel smothered or pressured right now and I dont want him to think i am just waiting to talk about the argument again. I really, REALLY do not want to break up. I love him so much but I know right now this situation is not about ‘us’ its about him finding a way to get through this. I genuinely just want to be there and help him through this as and when and however he needs. But I am feeling stuck and a little scared about what happened. I guess because we never really made up properly I wouldnt really say we are together right now. He is never the type if person to ask for my help or support anyway he always feels he is being a bother so I know he wouldnt exactly ask if he needed me right now and I just cant tell if I should have ignored the argument and done more to support him instead of holding back or if I should assume as we didnt make up properly we are broken up and to process that on my end? Any advice greatly welcome :)

I would assume you are “ on a break” , so if he does anything you don’t hold it against him. But I would act as if you are still together but going through a rough patch ie do exactly what you have planned checking every few days etc. One point though, what was the argument about- is it something you really do need to talk about or could you just say it’s behind you and ignore it?

If he was my boyfriend, I'm afraid I wouldn't see his grief as a reason not to be in touch. If you were living together you'd expect to still communicate with a partner even when grief stricken. Obviously maybe not arrange fun times or anything, but what's wrong with some communication between 2 people who are meant to be in a relationship?

I don't blame you for worrying about this.

Thanks for the reply :)
With regards to the argument it was a build up over a couple of weeks. He is really bad at communicating his needs and often just expects me to know what he needs in the moment and then when I dont know he will say I dont understand him or that I dont care and one day he exploded and we got into a nasty argument. I would say the argument itself was over nothing it just escalated but I would say the problem behind it is the miscommunication which I feel should be talked about at some point to avoid these problems in the future.
With regards to the ‘on a break’ i was thinking that but I guess the uncertainty of it all and not having that security just scares me a little and Im definitely finding that hard right now. Though as I said before this isnt about me right now and I guess when you love someone sometimes you have to be prepared to give to them when they need it without getting anything back

I think you are being much too "understanding". If you are in a relationship with someone, you talk to them, whatever else is going on. It's too convenient for him to be able to offload on you without any commitment. I would be more robust about your needs and feelings and stop pussy footing around him. If he reacts badly to this he isn't the man you want to spend your life with.

He doesn't want to be with you.

Grief or no grief.

Move on and stop wasting your time.

I would message him that you love him and that you are there for him. I don't think much else will seem important whilst he's grieving but I think it is important that he knows that there's someone there that loves him and is there for him.

Deal with your issues when he's in a better place.

@pog100

I think you are being much too "understanding". If you are in a relationship with someone, you talk to them, whatever else is going on. It's too convenient for him to be able to offload on you without any commitment. I would be more robust about your needs and feelings and stop pussy footing around him. If he reacts badly to this he isn't the man you want to spend your life with.

I hear you, totally. Though it has only been one week since his Dad died, I feel it’s too soon to just jump on him about our problems I dont know why I’m holding back so much. Probably because it was just a really nasty argument we had and although the “breakup” was out of anger on both sides Im finding it hard to ignore that it happened and just resume the supportive ‘girlfriend’ role without resolving the issue

Tbh it sounds like on his side you’re not together anymore, and he’s hoping that because of his dad you won’t force him to have a conversation about it.

@ariettesmall

He doesn't want to be with you.

Grief or no grief.

Move on and stop wasting your time.

He hasn’t said he doesn’t want to be with me and I feel like if he didnt he wouldnt still be communicating with me.

I just know this is a very difficult time for him and he probably cant think about anything other than the fact he just loat his Dad right now

Maybe he's liking the fact that he's able to tie you in knots and doubt yourself.
His "poor communication skills" is your generous interpretation of what increasingly looks like a deliberate control/ attention tactic at its worst and a fundamental character flaw of his at its best..
I'd offer my sincere condolences for his very sad loss OP and quietly move on.

@workhomesleeprepeat

Tbh it sounds like on his side you’re not together anymore, and he’s hoping that because of his dad you won’t force him to have a conversation about it.

Thats definitely crossed my mind hence why Im so insure where to put myself.

Its a bit tricky, he isnt that good at communicating at the best of times let alone now

It wasnt a breakup as such if that makes sense it was just all out of impulse and anger when we had that nasty argument but then we never got the chance to make up and move forward from it. I know the next few months will definitely not be the time to talk about any of that

Sorry but if you're in a relationship then that is unacceptable. Everyone goes through tough things in their life and if this is the end for your relationship then he needs to give you the time to discuss it with you so that you can move forward and begin to get over the relationship.

This isn't a relationship if you are too afraid to even ask if you're still in a relationship. That is not right. You have needs too and they can't all be ignored because he's going through a tough time. You deserve honesty.

He's treating you like crap & you're letting him.

If he loved you & wanted you, he would have called you when his Dad died. That's the cold hard truth.

It doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does.

He has you on a string & pulls it when he wants someone to talk at.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I hope it stops you wasting years on him.

I think the relationship is over.

If it was me, I’d text every couple of days just to say “hope you’re ok and just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and your family” you aren’t together though. He didn’t tell you his dad had died! It’s done.

If he wanted to be with you he would have come back when you reached out when his dad became seriously ill. Not necessarily for serious talking, but because he needed you there. Bereavement doesn't stop you from being with loved ones. It's a shame about his loss, but this is no reason for him to have you dangling on a string.

Feel for you, it’s a tough position to be in. But honestly you can’t force him to be a better communicator, he has to want to do that work himself.

As a pp has said I would maybe msg him sending your condolences and quietly back off. You’ve made yourself available and he’s kind of passively rejecting you/leaving you in a sort of limbo.

If you were together as a couple I think it would be clearer tbh.

I really, REALLY do not want to break up.

I think you need to assume you are not in a relationship.

Whatever you hope for, the ball is in his court and you cannot ask.

So be a supportive friend - thinking of you etc, get in touch any time - and just try to move on.

You sound young and this guy sounds tricky. There’s others out there.

You guys all give some good points.
It is just tricky and I am just feeling stuck, but I dont know why?
Perhaps because its something as serious as a death and I know sometimes how badly grief can be especially for the first few weeks.
I guess I also keep feeling like I could have done more. As much as Im over here saying that he never gave any reasuurance of us being together, I didnt give him any either and I never really acted the girlfriend part either I was just as distant so maybe I am just now feeling I should have at least tried to do more for him
Maybe I have been just as bad at communicating as he has....

You say you don't want to break up... But you already have broke up.... After the argument. You say he was meeting back up with you to reconcile.... Are you sure... He might not gave thought the same...

Honestly I'd leave it.. Step away... You've past on your condolences... If he wants to contact you he will be in touch.... But you may be reading relationship when he is thinking friend.

Pressume it's over... Move on

@happytoday73

You say you don't want to break up... But you already have broke up.... After the argument. You say he was meeting back up with you to reconcile.... Are you sure... He might not gave thought the same...

Honestly I'd leave it.. Step away... You've past on your condolences... If he wants to contact you he will be in touch.... But you may be reading relationship when he is thinking friend.

Pressume it's over... Move on

see I have been thinking this myself. If his Dad never fell ill I’m positive we would have sorted things out because of the way we were talking before he came But since his Dad got ill its like we both just naturally stepped away from each other and thats where Im confused because even I stepped back too and I dont know why I did

Let him go and if he does want to be with you he'll be back - whether you'll still want him by then is the question. Personally I think he's using his grief to avoid having any meaningful conversations with you which means it's over. One final friendly text and then get on with your life.

Its a bit tricky

Not really.

He's stringing you along and as of yet you don't have enough respect for yourself to see that and move on.

@ariettesmall

Its a bit tricky

Not really.

He's stringing you along and as of yet you don't have enough respect for yourself to see that and move on.

I agree it’s not that difficult. I think he knows how you feel and what you want. I am fairly sure he does. If he wanted the same things the conversation would be easy for him.

He doesn’t want what you want. And he definitely doesn’t want to talk about it or to analyse it.

I don’t know if he is stringing you along. But I do think you are stringing yourself along.

Hey @LemonTT thanks for your comment. I think I agree with that. I guess even if he’s in a bad place and maybe doesnt feel up for having a big talk about what happened right now and just needs the space to grieve it wouldnt be hard for him to say ‘hey I’m with you but I just need a little space right now’
Maybe I have strung myself along because it wasn’t too clear and i just didnt know what to do for the best.

He didn't tell you when his dad died? That tells me he doesn't see you as being that close.
I know when my dad died ,many years ago, I'd recently split with my boyfriend of 5 years. He was the first person I phoned, and was round to my house within minutes.
If he didn't phone you, you're just not top of his list. Sorry.