Nasty argument with my partner and now he is grieving his Dad after a sudden illness. What should I do now from my end?

[93MCM]

Me and my boyfriend had an argument and in the heat of the moment we broke up. We are long distance and took a couple of weeks apart. We still spoke everyday and then he came to my house to reconcile however that day he came his Dad fell seriously ill so I told him its Ok not to talk about ‘us’ right now and just comforted him. I helped him a lot in the first few days and then for a couple of weeks he completely shut down and we didnt talk. A couple of weeks later he started communicating with me and said he didnt have the energy to talk about the relationship while his Dad was ill - obviously this is completely understandable. Over the next few weeks he would call and end up spending 2hours at a time just talking back and forth about us and the relationship but we never really confirmed what we are doing. I mentioned to him that I understand if he needs space and cant talk but just to communicate so that I know to leave him alone. He always kept telling me he cares for me and has feelings for me but he feels numb and doesnt even want to talk to any of his friends. After a terrible few weeks illness the news came last week that his Dad passed away. He didnt tell me, I heard it through family but i did reach out by text to which he thanked me. I left him a few days knowing that space was what he needed and I tried to call just to see if he needed anything and to let him know I was there. He didnt answer but later text to say he just didnt feel ready to talk just yet. I told him thats completely fine and just to take his time to heal. After loosing my Grandad 5 years ago, grief is something I completely understand and naturally I want to support him and help him if and when he needs it. However I am feeling stuck because of the rough patch we had before his Dad fell ill. It wasnt a breakup as such if that makes sense it was just all out of impulse and anger when we had that nasty argument but then we never got the chance to make up and move forward from it. I know the next few months will definitely not be the time to talk about any of that. Some of my friends are telling me it was clearly a silly argument and he wouldnt have given so much of his time to talk about the problem while his Dad was ill if he didnt want to be together. I do agree, I guess and he hasnt actually told me to leave him alone or anything and even tho he isnt talkative he has replied when I have reached out so maybe I am just over thinking it too Much. I just want to get this right, i love and care and would do anything to help him. Do I step up and show him love and support or do I back off? I wont call him again for the next few weeks because he isnt ready for talking to anybody right now. I was thinking a text message every few days just to send him some love and let him feel the support is there when he is ready for it but i dont want him to feel smothered or pressured right now and I dont want him to think i am just waiting to talk about the argument again. I really, REALLY do not want to break up. I love him so much but I know right now this situation is not about ‘us’ its about him finding a way to get through this. I genuinely just want to be there and help him through this as and when and however he needs. But I am feeling stuck and a little scared about what happened. I guess because we never really made up properly I wouldnt really say we are together right now. He is never the type if person to ask for my help or support anyway he always feels he is being a bother so I know he wouldnt exactly ask if he needed me right now and I just cant tell if I should have ignored the argument and done more to support him instead of holding back or if I should assume as we didnt make up properly we are broken up and to process that on my end? Any advice greatly welcome :)

@DelphiniumBlue my thoughts exactly I found it very odd that he didnt. I remember when my Grandad died and I too told all of my closest people.
He just kept telling me he couldnt talk to anybody right now even his bestfriends and he wanted to be alone and he doesnt get why I cant understand that its not personal towards me he just needs to disconnect for a while

that its not personal towards me he just needs to disconnect for a while

But it is personal. So take it personally.

A couple of weeks later he started communicating with me and said he didnt have the energy to talk about the relationship while his Dad was ill

He didnt answer but later text to say he just didnt feel ready to talk just yet

He just kept telling me he couldnt talk to anybody right now even his bestfriends and he wanted to be alone and he doesnt get why I cant understand that its not personal towards me he just needs to disconnect for a while

He's told you at least three times that he doesn't want to talk to you about it.
You need to back off and leave him alone.

You say you understand grief because your Grandad died. Everyone's grief is different so having suffered a bereavement yourself does not mean you can understand what is going on with your ex because his grief is different and his reaction to it will be different.

He did not tell you his Dad has died. This means he did not want to tell you or was unable to tell you. The relationship is over.

Please leave him be. If he wants/needs you, he will come back to you. Sorry to sound harsh but that's the reality.
I lost my Dad last year and my ex popped up straightaway and wouldn't leave me alone and in my grief I wasn't strong enough to get rid of him. It was just another thing - another added pressure on top of everything else.

@iluvgab hey I dont think that you sound harsh at all. I totally see your perspective and what you are saying
Its not so much that I keep pestering him, he has always been the one to call me when we have had those talks. The only time I called was the other day and that was just to see if he needed anything and when he said he didnt feel ready to talk I just told him thats completely Ok and he should take his time to heal
I guess i just feel like I should be offering love and support at a time like this while giving him space to grieve. When i lost my Grandad i didnt know what I needed but just knowing people were there and offering their help made me feel cared about even if I didnt take their help

I would step back OP and not contact him again. From your updates I get the impression he wants to stay broken up, but if we're all wrong he will contact you

Thank you all for your comments. Its good to get a perspective from people outside of the situation. I think just with the way things happened all at once it left me completely not knowing what to do. Its a situation where I just feel like I should be doing something to help but he clearly is needing to handle his grief by withdrawing himself at the moment and as much as you want to be there for someone sometimes being there means just giving them space and time to deal with their hurt

but he clearly is needing to handle his grief by withdrawing himself at the moment

Nope. He's not withdrawing to cope with everything.
He just doesn't want to talk to you because he doesn't want to be with you but probably can't deal with the nightmare of being honest with you.

You sound like a very anxious person OP who overthinks at times. I'd seriously and respectfully, get some counselling advice on that before you enter another relationship.

Taking a slight aside to the immediate situation, i think there is a fundamental issue centred on talking about your relationship and feelings for each other.

All couples will have a need for a big talk at some point. These should not be trivial conversations and if you want to start one or have one, then know what you want from it and be willing to face the consequences if you don’t get it.

Because these are invariably make or break points. I don’t think you should ever start one and be willing to leave with things unresolved because you didn’t get the outcome you wanted.

Let’s face it, you had the big talk. One in which you expressed a need for him to be more open and communicative. That’s pretty hard to do without being critical of who he is as a person btw. He decided he wants to be the person he is. He continues to be that person.

Do you now accept that he is who he is? That he is someone who is closed and uncommunicative? Because the outcome of your big talk was that this is non negotiable point for him. Just like the need for him to change was non negotiable for you. That’s why you split. What has changed?

Why do women expect poor communicators to be good communicators? You are in the wrong relationship if communication is important to you. This man, grief or no grief, doesn’t want to talk to you about anything you think is important. Please accept him for who he is and not to invest more time in a relationship that on a fundamental level will never satisfy you.

Never prioritise someone who treats you like an option.